Wednesday, July 29, 2015

the bachelorette: Season Finale!

This finale really did me in, you guys. I don't know why I care so much or when I got so invested. It just left me feeling awful by the end. Honestly, I thought it was the worst possible outcome. For me, Kaitlyn truly earned the nickname of "Hatelyn" in this episode.

But before we get to the end, let's quickly get through all the boring parts. I miss the days when ABC had money and the cast of The Bachelorette would travel all over the world. Instead, Kaitlyn had to spend the entire time in Ireland. Then, she inexplicably met Shawn and Nick's families in Utah. And then she was back in LA... probably to get fitted for Dancing with the Stars costumes. If I was her family, I would be PISSED. Other family members got to go to Fiji or Bora Bora. These people have their whole lives to visit Hatelyn in LA. They should be sipping drinks out of coconuts right now.

Sad Nick is the first to meet Queen Kaitlyn's family. They all pretend to be surprised that he's on the show... but it's not like she's been in solitary confinement for the last two months. I'm sure she's been giving them regular updates on what's been going on. And for some strange reason, Kaitlyn decides to tell them that she boned Nick mid-season. Um, who talks about this stuff in front of their dad?! I've assured my parents that when I get pregnant, I will use IVF so I can remain a virgin forever.

Kaitlyn's mom takes Nick aside and because she is a Bachelorette super fan, calls him out on being possessive and weird and creepy and a serial killer on Andi's season. Nick takes the criticism in stride and when he starts talking about how much he loves Kaitlyn, he starts to cry. You guys know how I feel about grown men who cry. I fucking love them. This was a turning point for me. Nick is sincerely in love with Kaitlyn. He totally wins her family over. And then....

HOT Shawn shows up and everything changes.

Nick basically cut a vein open in front of these people and bared his soul... but Shawn showed up looking like Ryan Gosling, batting his eyelashes, flashing his abs, and suddenly they're all Team Shawn. I'm pretty sure Kaitlyn's mom undressed him with her eyes and had a fantasy about fucking her future son-in-law while hanging from the curtain rods (if you understand this reference, I love you). Kaitlyn's sister (who quite possibly has the worst hairstyle since the mullet) apparently loved Nick for a year, but now she's team Shawn too. Look, I get it. I would want him in my family too so I could stare at him and admire his abs during a poolside vacation, but Nick just seems more in love with her.

But at this point, things are not looking good for Nick. Especially when they cut to his family in the After the Final Rose audience and they all look like someone has raped and pillaged their suburban community. Little Bella looks like she might set the whole studio on fire with her eyes. Chris Harrison better watch the fuck out.
After both guys meet Kaitlyn's family and successfully ask for her hand in marriage, she gets one last day with each of them. She and Nick make out on a boat, then back at his hotel-- he gives her a present. It's a picture from their first one on one date accompanied by a note that doesn't really make a lot of sense. Kaitlyn gushes over it and at this point, I just can't take it anymore, because the finale was spoiled for me on Twitter and I already know that he's about to get dumped. How do these people honestly pretend to be in love with someone without having a complete nervous breakdown about it?? I once sobbed on the floor in the fetal position when I was fifteen after telling a guy after one coffee date that I just wanted to be friends. I still feel bad about it. This show is SO fucked up. All I can think is that if Kaitlyn could sneak into Abs McGee's hotel room a few weeks back to tell him he was the one, then she could sneak into Sad Nick's room to tell him he's going to get dumped.

On her last date with Shawn of the Head, they go to a ranch and drink wine. Which is just added torture for this man, because we all know he's a beer guy. For some reason, things are awkward between the two of them and Shawn starts to get nervous. Since I'm a smart television viewer, I know where all of this weirdness is stemming from. The producers just told Hatelyn to pretend like she's confused, so that we can wonder if she's actually going to pick Nick. Whatever is happening here, I'm not fucking falling for it... because the ending was spoiled for me.

I know what you're thinking: Saaara, the ending was spoiled weeks ago when Shawn and Kaitlyn accidentally sent out a snap chat of them in bed together. BUT I chose to ignore that. Although I would have LOVED to be a fly on the wall when ABC lost their shit over it. If I were them, I would have fed Queen Kaitlyn to her baby dragons.

During the evening portion of their date, things get better when S &K start talking about their future together. Queen Kaitlyn asks Shawn if he'll be able to handle it if things get stale when they're together for six or seven years and they have kids. Shawn is like: things will always be fun for us. Holy shit. These two have no fucking clue what it's like to be in a long term relationship. Six or seven years? Try ten, fifteen, twenty! They are SO doomed. I would like to give them three months before breaking up, but I think the hot sex will keep them holding on for an additional three months... so I'm calling it now. Shawn and Kaitlyn will be DUNZO by January 29th, 2016.

The night ends when Shawn-da Rhymes gives Kaitlyn a memory jar as a gift. This totally beats Nick's gift, but I also spotted a broken condom and a package of Plan B in there, so maybe some memories aren't really meant to go in the memory jar. (I'm serious guys, go back and watch in slow motion). CUT TO:

The day of the big proposal. Kaitlyn wears yet another figure skater inspired dress, which is appropriate because this is how she's probably feeling inside"
Meanwhile, Neil Lane shows up so that Shawn Gosling and Slick Nick can each pick out a ring. It's painful to see how relieved and excited Nick is when it's Neil at the door and not Kaitlyn there to dump him. But that's not important. What's important is that Neil Lane feels the need to continually whore himself out on this show. Doesn't he have a diamond empire to run? Isn't there a minion he can send in his place. Maybe he was the one that put his foot down and was like "I will not fly to Mazatlan, the finale must be in Los Angeles!" I like to believe that Neil holds all the power and that he even gets to decide who Kaitlyn chooses at the end. Maybe there's this whole secret contest we know nothing about. All these years, the person who picks the right engagement ring gets to be the bachelorette's fiance.

Also, for once I would love it if he was like: "Which ring do you see Kaitlyn wearing for three months before you guys break up and have to give this shit back to me?"

I'm sorely disappointed to discover that Queen Kaitlyn is going to get engaged at the bachelor house. Of all the places in the world to put a ring on it, I think the Bachelor house might be the WORST option. I would rather get proposed to in Guantanamo Bay, South Sudan, somewhere in the middle of the congo, at a training camp for Boko Haram, inside of Chris Harrison's anal cavity. ANYWHERE besides the herpes-infested Bachelor house.

Nick is the first to arrive which always means: Dump time! Kaitlyn decides that rather than telling Nick right away that he's not the one--- it would be a lot better for her to let him get through his entire "i want to spend the rest of my life with you" speech and only stop him when he pulls the ring out. OH NO SHE DIDN'T. Remember when Carrie gives Berger's friends that whole break up speech? Allow me to refresh your memory:
We all know there's actually a decent way to break up with a person on The Bachelorette and it doesn't include a post it note OR allowing them to pick out your engagement ring and give you some speech about how much they love you! Ali Fedotowsky and Andi Dorfman both ended it with their first runner-ups BEFORE they even got to meet Neil Lane. So, that bodes the question--- why didn't Kaitlyn do this?? My first thought would be that the producers wouldn't allow it. Bitch already broke a bunch of rules and she owed them this one. BUT, I also believe she would totally have sold out the producers if this was the case during the After the Final Rose. I think she wanted to hear the guy fawn all over her. Thus, Kaitlyn = Hatelyn.

I'm actually surprised that Nick didn't collapse on the floor in a heap of tears. I'm pretty sure this is what he was feeling inside:
But holy shit, can I just say that if I ever need to write a break-up scene, I'm just gonna call up Nick and be like: what would you say? His reaction was all kinds of epic and heartbreaking. When Kaitlyn told him that all the moments were real to her and he was just like: What I felt for you was greater than a moment. WAAAAAAAAAH! Poor Nick. Needless to say, he's pretty devastated and not only tosses Kaitlyn's ring, but his own Irish Claddagh ring when he gets back to the limo. And then he says "I'm the world's biggest joke." Hashtag Heartbroken.

And herein lies my problem with this show. Maybe I just have too much empathy. Maybe I just always identify with the underdog... but I find it impossible to be happy for two people who have gotten engaged, when the "other guy" just got his heart trampled on. I don't understand how Kaitlyn can tell one guy that all the moments-- and the times they were intimate-- were real to her. And then two minutes later tell Shawn that she made A LOT of mistakes (i.e. sorry I fucked Nick before fantasy suite dates).

It's now that I realize my worst fear has been realized: Shawn will not be the next bachelor.

After the Final Rose just made me dislike Kaitlyn and Shawn even more. Nick seemed cordial and even apologetic at times, and they were both dicks to him. When Harrison asked Shawn Douchebag if he's jealous he literally says: "If being upset about the girl you love going off with other guys is jealousy..." Um, yeah Shawn. That's precisely what it means to be jealous.

And here's the look on Kaitlyn's face when Nick calls her out on the fact that there was a better way to break-up with him... especially since they'd told each other "I love you".

She didn't even get this upset when Ian told her she was a shallow, slutty, dumb ass. You just know she's thinking: Um, Harrison-- we're editing that part out and erasing Shawn's memory of the last five minutes right? Here's the two of them hating each other after being super into each other for like 7 episodes of TV:
Nick continues to win the break up when he blames Kaitlyn for not warning him in advance and taking away his opportunity to pick out a ring and write an engagement speech for the first time for the person who actually wants to be engaged to him. I never in a million years thought I would say this, but #TeamNick.

Overall, Nick seemed like he was doing pretty well. And if you want to stop feeling bad for him, just check out his douchey Twitter and Instagram feed. If you want to continue feeling sorry for him, then check out this RIDICULOUS People magazine cover:
Well, guys. Another season of The Bachelorette is behind us. Personally, I can't believe Britt and Brady weren't asked to make an appearance on After the Final rose. How will I be able to sleep at night without getting any closure on their relationship?! Let's none of us be surprised when Britt shows up on Ben H's season though....

1 comment:

  1. omg Britt on Ben H's season would be awesome!!