Monday, August 24, 2015

Ashley Madison can kiss my ass

The first time I learned about Ashley Madison, I was driving down Sunset Boulevard and saw their infamous billboard. The one with the slogan: “Life is Short. Have an Affair.” My initial reaction was—is this real? When I learned that in fact it was an actual website that helps married men and women cheat on their spouses, I immediately wanted to find their offices and burn the motherfucking place down to the ground. I also had fantasies about signing up for an account just to infiltrate the site and expose their married clientele.

I did neither of these things, because I didn’t want to go to jail for arson and I was legitimately worried one of the married men I’d expose might try to have me killed. Luckily, someone did the dirty work for me, because Ashley Madison was hacked. And last week, the account information for thirty million users was released. All I can say to that is:


The first “famous" name to be discovered on the list was none other than Josh Duggar. The same Duggar kid who recently admitted to molesting his younger sisters, as well as a few other girls. The same Duggar who's the former executive director of the Family Research Council.

Another name that surfaced was Christian Vlogger Sam Rader. I'd actually never heard of this guy until a couple weeks ago when a video of him telling his wife she was pregnant went viral (he secretly used her pee from an unflushed toilet to take a pregnancy test). A couple days later, they posted another video announcing his wife's miscarriage. Both videos seem weirdly staged.

An Islamic preacher named Hamza Tzortzis was also found on the leaked list.

Yup, three super religious dudes who probably spend a lot of their time telling the rest of us how we should live our lives. But guys, they're not perfect. We all mistakes. God will forgive them. And sadly, so will their wives.

There have also been two suicides reported that were connected to the hack, but I don't blame the hackers for this. I blame the dudes who decided to join the site to cheat on their wives. I have a lot of trouble mustering sympathy. Here are deaths could have been easily avoided. #1 Don't cheat. #2 Get divorced and then date someone. #3 Do you really have to join a cheating website to cheat?

If you were wondering if anyone you knew was on Ashley Madison, just a few days ago, you could go to Trustify and enter an email address to see if it was compromised by Ashley Madison (the site is now temporarily removed. Lame.) I for one can't wait to see what other names get released through the hack. This is like a schadenfreude wet dream come true.

And for all of you lamenting how short life is-- here's my advice. Eat a donut.

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