I also want to let you all know that I have read spoilers for every single season of The Bachelor franchise. Every.single.one. However, since I want my recaps to be totally authentic and uninformed, I am not going to look. I'm also trying to live my life like that. I'm tryin' to be all in the moment and just enjoy the journey if you will. You didn't really ask for that info, but I'm giving it to ya anyway. That's how I roll.
Chris Harrison welcomes us all to Paradise as he indulges in a fruity drink. It's fitting because I pretty much picture CH drinking fruity pineapple drinks 90% of his life (when he doesn't get paid millions of dollars to do a bit of hosting, life coaching and wedding officiating on the side).
So let's meet our contestants shall we? Kardashley is back and in a crazy twist of events she's bringing her younger, blonder and sluttier sister Lauren. I was hoping the surprise guest would be Graham Bunn so I could stare at him for 2 hours. Or Michelle Money so she could do everyone's hair and makeup and give me summer outfit inspiration. But no, our surprise mystery guest is Ashley I's little sister. Kardashley is a virgin slut and Lauren is well...
From Kaitlyn's season we have Jared (the brokenhearted fellow with the bad beard), Tanner (the superfan who never got one on one time) and Jonathan (the guy who was there for Britt). As soon as the word douchebag is mentioned, JJ strolls in wearing pink pants. I'm sorry, but salmon colored pants are not the way to make me believe you like girls JJ.
The other guys are Mikey T (the T stands for testosterone). Dan, who I do not remember at all, but he was on Desiree's season. And finally Kirk. I love me some Kirk. I follow him on social media, and while all evidence has pointed towards him liking little blondes...that ginger spices me up and I will continue to hope he decides to give brunettes a chance one day. Rearrr.
Now for the ladies: Tenley was first runner up on Jake's season, but he chose Vienna over her. Then she dated Kiptyn for five years and shortly after their break up, he knocked up some biznatch. I can't even imagine how much that must suck so I hope Tenley finds love. Also, she looks and sounds like a Disney princess.
From Chris's season we have Jade who is a beautiful, chill, girl next door type. Oh and also, she posed for Playboy. She's basically a walking wet dream and the guys are smitten. Not gonna lie, I get it.
I was super excited to see my fave contestant ever, Ashley S aka "onion girl." She went on The Bachelor to find love and she left with a pomegranate. Still, I must say that's more than I've gotten from some relationships. People think she's nuts and OK, she is totally nuts, but I love her. Next up is Carly, known for being witty, awesome and having unfortunate eyebrows.
Then there's Juelia. Her husband died tragically and she seems sweet, but it’s just hard to take her seriously when she spells her name like that. Finally, there's Jillian who spent most of her season with a black bar over her butt. For Paradise, she decided her boobs would be the main event so she went ahead and got implants. It's Tata time..
I gotta give it to my girls. This time around, they wore very practical shoes to make their entrances and walk down the scary stairs. Past experience has proven that Chris Harrison does not leave his fruity drink unattended to lend a hand.
Now that everyone is present and accounted for, it's time we all witness firsthand what can happen in paradise. You can get married like Marcus and Lacy who will forever be the Trista and Ryan of BIP. I've always imagined getting married on a beach to my one true love. I did not imagine my guests would be strangers dressed in florescent bikinis, but to each their own. Marcus and Lacey show everyone that if you play your cards right, Chris Harrison will marry you on television in front of some hot mess reality stars dressed in swim trunks. We can all dream.
Instantly couples begin to form. There's Carly and Kirk who can I just stay...cutest couple ever. I actually hope they make it in spite of my huge Kirk crush. Jade and Jared seem to strike up a connection, but Kardashley has decided that he's the only guy she will ever love. Unfortunately, she becomes a mute around guys she's attracted to and so when she finally does speak, she tells Jared about how she wants to be Princess Jasmine. Shockingly, this conversation does not lead to a committed relationship which throws Ashley into a hysterical cry. I've never seen anything like it.
Ashley's sister cries a lot too. Especially when no one pays any attention to her. She definitely thought she was gonna be the shit, but no one really cares about her. The only guy who was into her was Mikey T and she wasn't having it. She's basically there to criticize her sister and give her bad advice. Oh and the free vacation/15 minutes of fame thing. Kardashley would seriously be better off seeking dating advice from a crab friend (more on that later).
Kardashley gets a date card and actually has to practice how she will ask Jared. I actually thought she might have her sister give him a note like I used to do to guys I wanted to "ask out" in middle school. She finally mustered up the courage to ask and they got dirty together. Literally.
Jade receives a date card and the guys are practically drooling. Jade picks Tanner, they have a fairly boring date, he accepts her Playboy past (he also happens to be a superfan who probably has her pictorial hanging on his walls), but I find myself rooting for them. #Janner.
Suddenly, out of absolutely nowhere, an ambulance arrives and they take Ashley S away on a stretcher. No one really ever explains what happened to her, but I have my theories (dehydration and too much Ambien). Dan runs off after her (I didn't know they had even spoken) and a new couple is formed. No one else seems at all concerned.
To end episode 1, in walks hurricane Clare. She looks hot and we just know that all these newly formed relationships are in jeopardy. Will she break up Kirkly? Or Janner? More importantly, will she be reunited with her raccoon friend? Fortunately, we don't have to wait long to find out.
Sorry, I feel like I'm a writing an epic novel, but there is so much. There's also "After Paradise," but I’m not even gonna go there. I just can't.
I must start with the opening credits. The cast strikes cheesy poses while "Almost Paradise" plays in the background. It's like a joke, but it's really happening and it's everything.
Clare has a date card and the question on everyone's mind...who will she take? Sadly, Clare's raccoon is nowhere to be found, but fear not. There is a crab to confide in! Clare contemplates her dilemma while her new crab friend paces anxiously around the bed. Prior to BIP, I would be alarmed if there was a crab in my bed. Now I’d be like... free therapy!
Clare enthusiastically lets us know she's up for an adventure, but she meant riding a dinosaur or something. Tantric yoga was a surprise and a different type of "adventure." Rubbing private parts with meathead Mikey is far more terrifying then dinosaurs. Mikey’s fave position was "downward Clare" just in case you were wondering. Clare basically lets Mike know she wants to keep her options wayy open. He's like "but you're saying there's a chance?"
So I need to talk about Jared for a second. I don't get Jared. Someone please explain Jared to me. He seems sweet, genuine and his facial hair has gotten better so I'll give credit where credit is due. But the fact that gorgeous girls are fighting and crying over him literally boggles my mind. Like if I was stuck on a deserted island with Jared and only Jared would I do him? Probably. If I was in Paradise with a bunch of hot guys...not so much.
Ashley S gets a date card and she takes Dan which makes sense because he's hot and he got an IV with her. She said their hospital date was the best first date she's ever been on which makes me wonder if her other dates involved dodging bombs in Afghanistan. But I guess the couple that gets IV's together stays together?
I've rambled on so much so I'm just cut to the most important things. The rose ceremony is pretty predictable. Jared gives Kardashley a rose, so her sister gets to stay as well since they are a two for one deal. Hot sisters seem like they'd be a dream, but these sisters are more like double mint drama. So thanks to Jared we get another week of hearing them cry and refer to 30 somethings as "old ladies." It really sucks when an "old lady" is going after the man you claimed after 5 minutes. Especially when those "old ladies" are prettier and saner than you will ever be (thanks to "The Blow Off" for that tweet. So freaking true)
The only rose in question is JJ's who must choose between Tenley and Jillian. He chooses Tenley, so Jillian and her new Tata’s are sent home. My main takeaway from this two night extravaganza is that If Ashley S can find a guy who "gets her" then there is truly hope for us all. And I need hope because apparently I am an "old lady."
There's been so much drama already. There's so much more to come and and I will be with you every step of the way. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a fruity drink with lots of vodka.