Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 7 & 8 Recap
Posted by Sammi Robin
We begin with screams coming house from the house. It's ominous and there are crabs. We then move to the screaming between JJ and Joe. Seriously, if you had told me during Kaitlyn's season that I would end up liking JJ and hating Joe, I would have been like no way. Yet here we are.
JJ actually offers to give his rose to Juelia so she can stay, but she generously tells him to take a chance on love. Juelia doesn't want a sympathy rose. She talks to Chris Harrison and asks if Mikey can come back, because she wants to extend this vacation. I mean, she wants love and even though she's young and pretty she's come to the conclusion that Mikey is her last hope.
Joe and Samantha still refuse to reveal the truth about their relationship so they reveal a lot of half truths. I never thought I'd be quoting Nick Viall, but when he tweeted "Samantha conveniently has the look of a beautiful, but evil Disney temptress," he's not wrong. The more I get to know her, the more witch-like she looks, though I will admit that her hair is the stuff that Pantene dreams are made of.
It's rose ceremony time and the big question is will JJ give his rose to Juelia (poor widowed mother) or to Megan (dumb blonde he had a date with)? He gives it to Ashley S. Wait what? Then JJ reveals he broke up with someone to come to Paradise and realizes he wants to be with her. Wait what? JJ's exit speech set to the tune of heroic music is quite possibly the best thing ever. The rubber meets the road. JJ is broken, but awesome. It turns out he really is a great guy. Just ask him.
The fate of the remaining three women is up to Dan who has to decide if he's going to give his rose to Juelia or Amber. Everyone wants Dan to give the rose to Juelia, but doesn't Dan deserve love too? Dan believes he does. He gives his rose to Amber. Clare, Megan and Juelia are sent home and Clare retires from BIP. As Juelia walks sadly to her limo, there stands Mikey waiting for her. Its kind of like Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles. But not.
Joe claims he is happy Juelia is back, but a producer observes that his face doesn't look happy. In what might be the best response, Joe says "my face never looks happy." It's true, it doesn't and if we're being honest, Joe is totally over the whole single mother looking for love thing.
Tanner gets a date card and he and Jade fly to Tequila, Mexico. I didn't know there was a tequila, Mexico, but it's now on my bucket list because...tequila. Tanner gets to whack an agave plant. There's a weird sentence for ya.
Samantha talks about how she's only in paradise for Joe, but then along comes Nick. I remember Nick from Bachelor Pad because he screwed people over and won the whole thing. I couldn't decide if I thought he was really brilliant or really douchey. Nick came to Paradise for Samantha and wait for it...they've been texting, talking and even met prior to the show. I dunno what Samantha's social media game is, but clearly it goes beyond poking. Samantha actually declines the date and Nick is shocked (apparently for good reason given that she told him she'd say yes when they talked). Mikey poses the question "How many guys has Samantha been talking to before Paradise?" Good question Mikey, good question.
Nick asks Ashley S out on the date. They learn that the private island they are supposed to go to is closed because Hurricane Carlos is coming in. A native explains this in heavily accented English, and Ashley is like I don't speak Spanish. And then Nick can't understand "Spanish" either. Maybe these two are actually perfect for each other. Ashley and Nick get massages and they also get drunk. I've never heard of a tequila massage but I'd like to have one. A big crow starts talking to Ashley, telling her to touch the fruits of Paradise (aka Nick's fruits). Nick describes Ashley as being "a little out there" which is a polite way of putting it.
So, now we can cut to Jade and Tanner's boring date. They are perfect together so it's boring. Tanner tells our little wild mustang that he's afraid she will break his heart. But she assures him she won't and they make it official. I yearn for a love like #Janner.
Jared and Kardashley are just the most awkward couple ever. Jared finally admits he's not over Kaitlyn and he knows Kardashley has much stronger feelings for him than he does for her. I gotta give props to Jared for being honest and not leading Ashley on. Kardashley handled it pretty well. She broke into incoherent sobs and called Kaitlyn to ask "what the fuck she did to Jared?"
Joe tells Sam it's his birthday, but Samantha starts questioning him and all of the "drama" he has caused her. Joe decides to woo her back by setting up a birthday party. For himself. Then Samantha proceeds to break up with Joe on his birthday. I thought I would be so happy in this moment, but will you hate me if I say I almost feel bad for Joe? Almost.
Kardashly and Joe decide to start a "we've been dumped" club. Ashley cries while Joe continues to look completely stoic and have no feelings. I've never seen somebody cry so much as Kardashley. They say it's good to have a good cry sometimes, but I think Ashley needs a good non-cry day. Just one day. A couple hours? Baby steps.
Mikey gets the date card and invites Juelia on a date to Guadalajara, which is what I planned to name the Cambodian child I will adopt if I never marry. After two cans of hairspray, Mikey is ready to go. As the two jet off on their private plane, Juelia tries to force an attraction to him. I get that she's a good person and a single mother. I'm sure she deserves love, but since when is Bachelor in Paradise the one and only shot at finding true love? Because that notion frightens me.
Apparently crochet bathing suits are a thing. I'm not sure how I feel about this look. I'm gonna sit with it for a few days.
Joe attempts to win Samantha back by threatening to reveal her private text messages to everyone if she doesn't stay with him. Samantha's shaking in her flip flops, while Tanner continues to narrate "text gate." In happier times, Kirk decides to take Carly fishing and it's so cute. The fact that I think it's so cute makes me realize I'm over all of my past relationships and my bitterness is gone. Thank you, Kirkly.
Back in Guadalajara Mikey and Juelia are treated to a super romantic date...a wrestling match. Mikey and Juelia are back in the ring. Literally. Yup I did that.
In a final attempt to win Samantha back, Joe downs one of Jorge's famous mimosas and seeks advice from Kardashley who tells him to start over and re-introduce himself. Joe awkwardly takes her advice, but Samantha is like WTF and refuses to partake. There is a sense of impending doom.
Justin arrives from Kaitlyn's season. Who is he again? Is he "cupcake?" How quickly we forget. Justin is instantly attracted to Sam and asks her on the date in spite of Joe's many protests. Samantha agrees and she is sort of the devil. She has a great name though. RIP Sam & Joe.