Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Episodes 3&4

Episode 3
First of all, I don't know whether to thank ABC or curse them for taking 4 hours of my life each week with this franchise. Honestly, it's not like I'd be more productive if it wasn't on. I'd probably be binge watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Netflix, (but only the episodes with Angel). I was a fair weather fan. Ok, enough about me.

We begin Episode 3 with Lauren being miserable. Being on a beautiful island with beautiful people is absolute torture. Instead of taking this opportunity to find love or be famous, she wants to go home where supposedly guys actually like her. Lauren announces she has a guy at home who she's in love with, but wait for it...she's the MISTRESS. We also learn that Lauren can really blow...her nose. The only hope for Lauren to stay in Paradise is if Lauren's crush, Welder Joshua, shows up. A mystery guy walks down the stairs. Is it Joshua? Praise Jesus it is Joshua! Kardashley immediately grabs him and is all "no pressure, but if you don't like my beloved sister she will go home." Ashley I. then proceeds to describe Lauren as the chillest person ever. Um, has she met her sister? She never cries or has meltdowns or anything. She even lets her guy at home have another girlfriend.

Joshua chooses Tenley for his date which confirms his status as a sane person. JJ and Lauren are not happy about this. JJ decides to stay cause a villain's gotta vill. Lauren decides to go home and keep on mistressing cause a mistress gotta miss? I don't even know.

In walks Joe. Everyone keeps talking about how awesome and funny Joe is, but he is not demonstrating these qualities. At all. Joe immediately insults Claire, who seeks comfort in her Raccoon! Yes folks, Claire's raccoon is back!!! He's losing patience with her though and needs a bottle of wine. Literally the Raccoon has a bottle of wine. I was so happy to see them reunited though that a small tear came to my eye.

Joe's like "who all wants to go on my horseback riding date?" Juelia volunteers and Joe is like "OK, I guess you can come." It's the way every girl dreams of being asked on a date. Tenley and Joshua go dancing and Tenley confirms my theory that she is a real Disney princess. For Disney in Tokyo. Josh is like Tokyo, China? No Josh. Just no.

The next day at the pool, Josh talks about a place in LA that has coconuts. Inside the coconut is...Molly! Everyone is all "Joshua is a welder from Idaho who does Molly?" And I’m like "where can I get me some of these magical coconuts?" It appears our sweet, innocent Joshua may actually be a Molly head. Lead me to the coconuts Joshua.

Kirk voices his concern over Momma Juelia being used and abused. Have I mentioned how much I love Kirk? I kinda zoned out for most of Joe and Juelia's date, but I can tell you they kissed in the water and talked about her child. Her name is Ireland and she was born in China, according to Joshua. Tenley confronts Joshua about the Molly and he says he's only done it once in Vegas. What about the magic coconut place in LA, Joshua? What about that?

Juelia returns from her date all giddy and happy. Joe looks like he's been hit by a tranquilizer dart. Juelia breaks up with Jonathan for Joe, while Joe tells the producers he doesn't think she's very smart and their kiss basically sucked. He only kissed Juelia at all because he wants the rose. You see, Joe is using mama Juelia. He's leading her on and keeping her away from her child in hopes that Samantha will arrive. Joe is a southern sociopath.

OK, OK, I'm starting to get Jared. He's getting cuter to me, maybe because he does actually seem like a good guy. And good guys are like needles in haystacks. Jared gets the date card and uh-oh here we go. Kardashley is sure he will choose her because Clare is sooo old. But Jared gives Clare the date giving hope to old ladies everywhere. Ashley I's reaction is shocking. She cries. And cries. And cries some more. Mikey is mad. Will the date actually happen? Oh it's happening.

Editor's note: After Ashley I. said that 34 year old Clare's eggs are probably all dead-- we got a little tweeting action. 
Naturally, our response was that we would unplug the freezer.

Episode 4
I kinda feel bad for Mikey. He's just a big oaf, with a big heart. I am a little bit confused about the tiny ponytail he wears on top of his head, but to each his own. Someone just needs to explain to him that keeping things open is code for I’m just not that into you.

Clare and Jared realize they are going bungee jumping. Clare's definitely got that damsel in distress act down. She starts crying and shaking so Jared can console her. But like the sign says "no falls, no balls!" And we know Clare wants Jared's balls. Jared kisses her, they jump and Clare makes noises which range from being attacked by a lion to having an orgasm.

I love when Ashley S has coherent moments. I want her to be my friend. I also love that she's part of a power couple in the house with hot manly Dan. Clare comes back to the house gushing about her Jared date while Kardashly does what Kardashley does. She cries.

Tenley's already torn between JJ and Joshua when Michael shows up. I don't remember him at all, but he's a lawyer from Desiree's season and he knows exactly what/who he wants. Tenley. To him, she's an elevenly. That is a direct quote. Michael asks his Elevenly on the date, she accepts and Joshua wishes diarrhea on him. Michael and Tenley have dinner in the middle of the water which is now on my bucket list.

Clare thinks she and Jared are totally solid until Jared tells her that he's not really sure what he wants and she's 8 years older than him (but she looks great!) I think this is what happened with me and the 25 year old I recently went on a date with. Yup, I jumped on the cougar train. I will say that being in very different places in life can make things difficult.

Mikey, Jonathan and Joe are fighting over Juelia's rose. Note that I said the rose and not poor Juelia. Juelia likes Joe. Joe is a douche. And perhaps a serial killer. He had some pretty violent thoughts regarding Mikey and Jonathan. Thoughts that included brass knuckles.

I liked Joe on Kaitlyn's season. He seemed adorable and genuine all the way up until she dumped him. He did a complete 180 and turned into the biggest ass ever. Still, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because well, he just got dumped. Turns out Joe is actually just an ass. And while he seems dumb as dirt, Joe somehow manipulates Jonathan into giving a heartfelt and very tear filled apology to him and Juelia.

Jared shocks the world by passionately kissing Kardashly proving once again that guys like crazy girls. So Clare has a random outburst about how she's there to find love and not strategize and this season is so different from last season. It completely came out of nowhere. Kirk and Carly were like "pretty sure we're here to find love." Joshua is like "I'm pretty sure I will find love as soon as I find the Molly coconut which must be on this island somewhere." Jade and Tanner are all "haven't you heard, we're the new Marcus and Lacy. You'll be attending our wedding next summer bitches." In fact, so offended is Jade that she takes it upon herself to step up at the rose ceremony and announce that she is here for love and so is everyone else.

The power couples hand out roses first, no surprises there. I really didn't know who Tenley would give her to rose to, but she went with her "hoo-ha" and gave it to Joshua. I have found passion often trumps boring lawyers. I feel like Michael should give Juelia a chance. Or perhaps Clare. But Clare has another dramatic breakdown and storms off crying. Even Chris Harrison tells her to get her shit together. Will Clare go home again? Will anyone care? Will she keep her raccoon friend as a pet? Don't fret, the answers are a mere 6 days away.


  1. I think the moral is 27 and crazy is more desirable than 34 and crazy.

  2. I don't think Clare's age really had anything to do with it, or Jared wouldn't have asked her out in the first place. I think it was the "Pick my teeth clean for me," that sent him running back to Ashley. But, much as I adore that fella, I think it was about getting the rose, not for the girl who talks throughout their first kiss.

  3. "I have found passion often trumps boring lawyers." Lol true!