Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Bachelor In Paradise recap: episodes 5&6

Episode 5 
Can I start by saying that not reading spoilers is literally killing me. OK, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I'll pick up where we left off last week. With Clare having a nervous breakdown.

Clare is "not feeling well" aka she's 34 and no one likes her. But she stays in Paradise and inexplicably gives her rose to JJ so Mikey, Michael and Jonathan are sent home. Juelia would have been better off giving her rose to ANY of those guys over Joe.

Samantha finally arrives and for the first time we see a spark of emotion register in Joe's face. And his member. Joe has made it clear he doesn't give two shits about poor widowed mother Juelia. Samantha doesn't even pretend to try and get to know anyone or ask who is already coupled up, She immediately gives Joe her date card. Samantha is best known for being ridiculously beautiful and not speaking, but she's determined to make herself known in Paradise. Mission accomplished.

Joe and Samantha's date involves taking pics for People Magazine so they can add to their photo collection of failed couples from this franchise. Joe sports his "Dad Bod" and the photo shoot is like foreplay. When Joe and Sam return from their date, he refuses to talk to Juelia because this isn't church camp and disrespecting women is OK.

I think the greatest love story of our time is Clare and her raccoon. I gotta give props to the editors for the amazing scene where Clare calls home to talk about Paradise and her raccoon answers the phone. Seriously, how these people are able to find raccoon's play with wine bottles and phones is miraculous. I feel like some poor Production Assistant is on raccoon duty and just watches them all day in hopes they do something interesting. Although to be clear, that sounds a lot more fun than my current job.

Carly gets the next date card and not so shockingly gives it to Kirk. It seems like everything is going splendidly between them and Carly is definitely smitten because Kirk's abs have abs (seriously). Kirk, however, isn't so sure. Since I love Kirk, I will give him the benefit of the doubt because I sort of understand that being in Paradise is like walking into a big candy store. You try Juicy Pear jelly beans and you're like these are good, I'll take some of these. But then you're like, there are so many flavors. What if I like something better than Juicy Pear? Do I really only want to eat Juicy Pear jelly beans for the rest of my stay at the candy shop?

Ashley S confides to Jorge the bartender about her relationship with Dan. Jorge the bartender is now a cast member and is seen on the amazing opening credits (which have not gotten old). I would like to refer to Jorge as "margarita yoda." Because you know, he gives advice and makes margaritas. Ashley is in love with Dan, but he has seen some red flags. For example, she speaks to pomegranates.

The show decides to test out the acting skills of Chris Harrison and Megan from Chris's season. They pretend she is lost in Mexico and just wandering the streets aimlessly looking for Chris Harrison. Chris is all "where is she?" while she attempts to learn the difference between Mexico and New Mexico.

Carly is missing her brother's WEDDING to be in Paradise. That is a pretty huge sacrifice, but I'd probably miss my sisters wedding to be in Paradise with Kirk. She'd understand. I think. Fortunately, my sister is already married so I don't have to worry about that happening. Kirk is like "so what are you looking for?" I think he's hoping she'll say she's  just looking for a fun little fling. But no. Carly wants marriage, kids and the whole enchilada. Carly giggles and talks about how great things are going, while Kirk panics about not being able to try other jellybeans.

Things have gone downhill for Ashley S and Dan since their emergency room date. Dan no longer feels they are compatible (i.e.: he's sane and she is not so sane.) Ashley says something about living by the sun and loving by the moon and if he can't love her under the moon...bye Felicia.

Back to Kirk and Carly. He's like I don't understand how this happened. I was supposed to hook up with ten girls and now I'm pretty much married. It's hard for Carly, because have I mentioned she is missing her brothers actual wedding? I'm still not over that, but they do call him on the phone and Kirk realizes he's been silly to have any doubts. Juicy Pear jelly beans are swell! Ok, I'm done with the jellybeans, promise. Kirk and Carly kiss and there are fireworks (literally) and then they get a hotel room where there are more fireworks. Kirk asks for the fantasy suite, which makes me love him even more.

Megan finally arrives and brings Chris a "sobrero" and says "Aloha Mexico" confirming her status as the dumbest person ever. Also, I'm pretty sure all of these contestants will go home with crabs. That was my lame attempt at a crab joke because there are so many crabs. There are even cannibal crabs.

Joe and Samantha literally suck each others faces off in the hot tub while we cut to Juelia crying on the phone with her little daughter. No one in the house is OK with the fact that Joe used Juelia to stay in Paradise to meet Samantha. And in a huge twist, it turns out Joe and Samantha had spoken before the show. Joe is like a cross between Forrest Gump and Satan and his obsession with Samantha is a tad creepy if ya ask me.

Juelia confronts Joe with the help of Dan, Jade and Tanner. Joe admits he knew Sam was coming and basically doesn't care about anyone's feelings until Juelia threatens to tell Samantha what has transpired. Then all of a sudden he's very sorry. He doesn't want to lose Samantha over some stupid drama with "what's her name." Yup, Joe couldn't even remember Juelia's name.

Episode 6
Juelia and Jade try to save Sam from the evil hillbilly we call Joe. Sam isn't having it, she's on cloud nine and won't hear anything without Joe in the room. She's all sorry you are delusional and felt like you had something with Joe, but we all know he was just using you until I showed up. I liked Samantha a lot better when she was a pretty mute.

Tanner announces that Sam was in on the whole thing and that she had texted Joe to "do whatever it takes to stay in Paradise." The boys confront Joe, but Samantha kicks them out of the room so she can give Joe some "media training." By media training, I mean give him some pointers on how to convincingly lie so the world doesn't believe they concocted an evil plot to use and abuse a widowed mother.

Amber from Chris's season arrives. She literally makes Ashley S smile until she asks Dan on the date. Literally is literally Ashley S's favorite word. PS all of these Ashley's and Amber's are confusing me. Thank heavens for Tenley because I need to mix it up a bit.

Megan and JJ go on a yacht date. JJ realizes they are not intellectually on the same level, but he likes her other assets. Dan goes on his date with Amber and Ashley consoles herself by talking to birds. My boy Kirk really describes Ashley S perfectly when he says her eyes are just...empty.
Just in case anyone hasn't been completely convinced that Ashley S has lost her last marble, she makes friends with crabs and it turns out crabs can smile!

Back at the house, the Samantha/Joe/Juelia scandal is still going strong. JJ actually admits that Joe has surpassed him as a villain. I've really grown to like JJ. Call me crazy, but I think he has a good heart. Deep down. Also, he retweets all my tweets to him. Will Joe and JJ fight to the death? Will Joe and Sam's love survive?


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