Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Bachelor In Paradise: Finale Recap

Sorry, but I took a slight break from all the drama that is Paradise. I blame Samantha and her Medusa like ways. She literally had practically all of the men on the island under her evil spell, but not me. Not me.

To bring you up to speed, Sam sent Joe packing after stringing him along for as long as possible without having people cut off her hair in the middle of the night. She had Dan hypnotized for a minute, but then ended up with Nick.

After Kardashley attempted to seduce Jared with the fantasy suite and her V card, he broke up with her once and for all. Jared left Paradise while Kardashley cried, cried again and cried some more before exiting herself. One thing she learned from Tenley is that whimsical moments are created even from the worst relationships. A whimsical moment is when you realize what you want and don't want from a relationship. There is always going to be a lesson and dang it, that lesson should always be whimsical.

Justin went on a date with Amber, they kissed and went salsa dancing and all I could think was "for the love of lobsters someone please get this man some sunscreen." Next he went out with McKenzie, who you may remember as the young mom who spoke of aliens and named her son Kale (like the vegetable). They went on a very strange date where they sort of got married, but not really, only McKenzie kinda really thought they got married. She's not the brightest bulb in the box. Enter Cassandra, a beautiful single mom who seems totally sweet and normal. Justin is like praise Jesus.

Mikey broke up with Juelia because the spark wasn't there and the final rose ceremony was a bit like a slaughterhouse. Mikey offered his rose to McKenzie (guess he was in the market for a dumber/younger single mom?) McKenzie was like, um no. The only survivors were Jade and Tanner, Kirk and Carly, Sam and Nick, Tenley and Joshua and Justin and Cassandra. Nothing was shocking to me except the fact that Ashley S made it all 5 weeks. I will miss her though. I would like to have lunch with her and speak of crabs and pomegranates.

The shocking part came the next day. Carly was blindsided. America was blindsided. I was not blindsided, because I finally gave in and read spoilers. Still, it's the longest I've ever gone and I have all of you people to thank. As you know, I like Kirk. I like his abs. I like gingerness. I also feel like he is a genuine guy. I don't think he meant to hurt Carly or string her along. I think he came to Paradise looking for fun and found himself wrapped up in a serious relationship.

Having said that, I think guys need to be really careful with their words. You might say something in the spur of the moment such as "I have a nice house with a yard" or "I want to meet your family" and it sounds great, but here's the thing. That little thing that you blurted out without thinking is going to stay with us girls forever. It's going to replay over and over in our minds and it's going to give us hope. Being blindsided is one of the worst feelings ever and Kirk should have given Carly some signs that he wasn't on the same page.

In the wise words of Vonda Shepard: It's better to be mean than love and lie, it's better to take a blow so at least you will know. Baby, don't you break my heart slow." I'd also like to give major props to Carly for how she handled the situation. It was clear that Kirk just wanted her to say something to make HIM feel better and she wasn't gonna do it. Instead of sitting down and letting him attempt to explain, she was like you don't deserve to feel better about this. Carly walked out like a champ and wrote this absolutely beautiful song called "Blindsided." This song is like a heartbroken girls new bestie.

Sam and Nick decided to stay together and so did Cassandra and Justin. To be totally honest, I don't give a shit about either of these couples  and I almost think it's harder to stay together in Paradise. If you can stay monogamous on a reality show where beautiful people are brought in weekly to tempt you, then you may as well give going out for din and a movie in real life a shot. Unless you are Tenley and Joshua. These two were kind of an odd couple. She's a beautiful Disney princess, he's a tattooed welder. She's a city girl, he's a country boy and their whimsical moments were finally numbered. I did tear up a little when they broke up, not gonna lie.

In the final moments, Tanner tamed our little wild mustang Jade and the two are engaged! I have always been team #Janner and I hope those two crazy kids make it so that I can stop seeing Shawn and Catherine on my television screen.

So in conclusion, nothing is ever really paradise. The closest we can hope for is almost paradise and a bunch of whimsical moments that add up to something real. Watching Carly go through the same pain and heartbreak that I've recently experienced, made me feel close to her. She's an awesome girl and if it can happen to her, it can happen to any of us. I also feel closer to Ashley I. Having written many long and heart wrenching letters (front and back) sometimes it's easier to put your feelings into writing. Do I recommend doing this? HELL NO. I'm just saying that I've done it. And I get it. Ashley I and Clare taught me that in tough times, animals can be our best friend. Samantha taught me that simply being beautiful will get you some guys. But the good guys like Tanner will want the complete package and that my friends is Jade. Relationship goals = Tanner and Jade. Friendship goals = Carly and Jade.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. I will miss these guys and I will especially miss Jorge the Bartender. Speaking of which, I need a mimosa. Wishing you all love, happiness, mimosas and raccoon friends.

1 comment:

  1. You hit the nail on the head with what Carly did right with the break up. Loved Kirk, but he pulled a jerk move and did not deserve to feel better about it. Wishing good things for Carly and Janner.