Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Kirk & Carly: Never Forget

I am super reluctant to turn this into a blog about bad reality TV (especially since I haven't been doing many posts these days), but the break-up of Carly and Kirk on Bachelor in Paradise has been weighing heavily on my heart. I forced my brother and his girlfriend to watch this episode, even though they hadn't seen a single episode of the show and even though he kept screaming at me to change the channel. Then suddenly, we were all completely reeling from the very real and raw break-up scene between these two. It's a conversation familiar to all of us. This break-up was like 50 different BLOW OFF posts rolled into one. We could all relate to Carly's shock and Kirk's anxiety and guilt over hurting her. So, here's ten things we can all learn from the MOST DRAMATIC BREAK-UP IN BACHELOR HISTORY.

#10 Beware of the dude who just got out of a relationship. It was clear in the beginning of BIP that Kirk was there to have fun and get his mind off of his last break-up, then suddenly found himself wifed up with Carly. He was one of the only guys on the show who was never tempted by the other hot chicks who arrived. But men are already genetically disposed to freak outs and the risk is even higher with a guy who's just gotten out of a relationship.

#9 It's a not the dude's job to set the pace to a relationship-- so why do we always let them? During "After Paradise", Carly said she was blindsided, because all along, Kirk had also been talking about the future. The big house with lots of rooms, how he couldn't wait to meet her family at her brother's wedding reception, etc. And like Sammi reminded us in her recap-- women hold on to these comments for dear life. But we don't have to jump on the bandwagon. Every guy I've ever dated who was "all in" from the beginning had some sort of panic along the way. I sort of compare it to when my husband orders a pizza, eats the whole thing really fast, then instantly regrets it and says he'll never eat pizza again. Don't be his pizza, ladies.

#8 There really is a good and bad way to break-up with someone. During the Kirk/Carly break-up, I couldn't help but wonder why Kirk didn't just continue to go through the motions until the end of the show and NOT break-up with Carly on national television. I know you might be thinking-- but then he'd be stringing her along much longer. BUT at least she'd get laid one last time in a fantasy suite AND could blame the break-up on the fact that they couldn't make things work outside of paradise. Instead, now she'll always feel like she just wasn't enough and that will continue to fuck up all of her future relationships.

#7 Don't skip your brother's wedding for a douchey reality show. You'll end up regretting it. Real talk, Carly-- you know I want to be your best friend, but seriously.

#6 Maybe don't bring up having kids with a guy you've only dated for five weeks. And if what you really meant was "I want kids in five years" THEN DON'T LEAVE OUT THE FIVE YEARS PART.

#5 Everything can change in the blink of an eye. How awful was it when Carly said "You're not breaking up with me, are you?" and then started to laugh right before he BROKE UP WITH HER. She was literally bouncing off the walls, excited to get naked in a hotel room with her man, and the next thing she knows-- he's like "Bye, Felicia." Not cool Kirk, not cool.

#4 The break-up talk is highly overrated. I am so TEAM CARLY on the way she handled the break-up. She heard what she needed to hear and then she was like "I'm OUT." I did the same thing when I was eighteen and my bf dumped me. I pulled down that Dawson's Creek poster he bought me off the wall and sent him on his way. Run like the wind, ladies. Don't give them the satisfaction of feeling like less of an asshole by listening to their explanation.

#3 Guys. Don't say shit like "I can't wait to meet your family" and "I have tons of extra rooms in my house" EVEN if you mean it. Just don't say it. Wait until you are 150% sure you're into someone first. Save it for your proposal speech. It's the female equivalent of saying "I want to marry you and have your babies." Don't do it.

#2 Girlfriends are the real heroes. We will literally hold our friends in our arms and cry with them when they've been dumped. Where would Carly be without Jade and Tenley? How hot was it when they wouldn't even let Kirk near Carly when he still wanted to talk to her. Oh, hell no. #friendshipgoals

#1 Kirk and Carly belong together. Here's what, ABC. Please make Carly the next Bachelorette, but have Kirk interrupt the final rose and kidnap Carly, while a Simon & Garfunkel song plays in the background. Then have Chris Harrison officiate their wedding. Thank you and good night. 


  1. You're so good Sara, yesss gurrrl to ALLADIS!

  2. Also, please Carly accept any makeover offers you get in the coming weeks. That eye makeup and those crisscross bandage dresses, BE GONE!

  3. Also, please Carly accept any makeover offers you get in the coming weeks. That eye makeup and those crisscross bandage dresses, BE GONE!

  4. You're so good Sara, yesss gurrrl to ALLADIS!