Monday, September 21, 2015

Situationships & the BLOW OFF

Once upon a time a beautiful princess met a semi-attractive, semi-nice, semi-successful guy. They start hooking up and before she knows it, she has wasted months (maybe even YEARS) curled up on his couch drinking wine and watching Netflix. Then one fateful night, she finds herself having a gut wrenching break up conversation with a person who was never officially her boyfriend.

Welcome to today's modern not so fairy tale AKA "The Situationship."

In my universe, when Robin Thicke sings about "blurred lines" he's talking about situationships. Fifty Shades of Grey isn't about a gorgeous rich man who loves S&M. It's the miserable state of purgatory when you want to scream at the guy who is giving you multiple orgasms. By scream, I don't mean in the throws of passion. I'm talking about after that final moan when he rolls over and sighs contentedly and you want to be like "what the fuck are we?"

I vowed not to write about my D-bag ex anymore because I was informed it bothered him and the whole "why make someone a chapter in your book when you're barely even in a sentence," thing, which I must admit, is quite valid. However, I've decided the only thing I can take away from that lovely situationship is good blogging material. Also, I hate him.

He told a mutual friend that he was "faithful" to me the entire time we spent together and he couldn't say the same about me. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know I was supposed to be faithful to someone who never called me his girlfriend and never even treated me to a meal. Not one meal. In two years.

Still, I've decided that I am allowed to refer to him to as my ex because I gave him years of my life, part of my heart and countless tears. Also, it just sounds so much better than saying "that guy I hung out with every weekend for two years." Additionally, we've had more gut wrenching break up conversations than anyone should have in their entire life, let alone one situationship.

The one good thing about a situationship is that it will make you grateful for a guy who is proud to call you his girlfriend, show you off to his friends and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. These days when a guy invites me to an event or wants to take me to a nice dinner, I literally think he's the greatest thing since double stuffed oreos. This is because chivalry is dead. No, I don't really believe that. I am just so much more appreciative of good guys because I had such a dud.

Situationships are so easy and unfortunately quite common these days. There's no pressure and you settle into a routine. You avoid having any awkward conversations until you have to have an awkward conversation because you don't want to find yourself still sitting on his couch at age fifty. When you do finally muster up the strength to walk away, or he leaves you with no other option, you WILL eventually realize that you deserve so much better. And on that glorious day, you will never again settle for anything less than a real relationship with a MAN who you never have to introduce to people as "um, my...this is D-bag."

In my most jaded and cynical period I asked my sister to name a beautiful, decent man who stayed faithful to his wife (her husband not included obvi). I was positive she would not be able to name one, but she quickly replied "Kevin Bacon. Boom." She's good, my sister. And now that my cynicism has worn off (thanks to some good guys who I've met in real life), I find myself a brand new girl. One who is finally open to good things and won't be grateful for mere scraps, but will be extremely grateful for truly nice gestures.

Have you ever been in a situationship? How did it end? I'd love to hear your stories.


  1. I was in a situationship for 10 months. The first three months I thought it was really going somewhere, until I had "the talk" (are you sticking your penis in anyone else) and the answer was riddled with excuses re: work, timing. I backed off, he called more. The next 5 months went pretty strong where I constantly asked myself: how is he not in love with me, he definitely acts like it. And then I decided this was dumb and going no where. So I saw him less and less, he called less and less. Then I called him out on calling less and less. Then he apologized and I didn't hear from him for a week. So I gave him the speech, this is going no where and I want more of a commitment, I've let you go this long without one so now shit or get off the pot (by this time I didn't want him to be my boyfriend, but I need this limbo situation out of my life). We said our good bye's cordially, and then I swore off men. That same day one of my best friends said she had someone she wanted me to meet (in our 20 years of friendship she has never played matchmaker). I said ok, but was like, this goes against the fact I swore off men about an hour ago.

    Now I am in an amazing relationship with an amazing man who shows me everyday he is so much better than a man who is ok with being in a situationship.

    (that was pretty long winded, sorry)

    1. I love this story. It gives such hope for girls in situationships to get out so they can find better. I commend you for being so strong and thanks for sharing!

  2. I am currently in a situationship. I found this article on my long search for advice on what to do. i've been in this situationship with this guy for almost 2 years. I am a single mom with 2 kids. He helps me around the house, goes out with me and my kids whether its to dinner, food shopping or just run errands. He constantly gives me mixed signals where one minute I think he actually cares and the next I'm just a convienence to him. Ive been suffering in silence the past few months debating on having " the talk" but a little scared as to where it might go. I don't want these 2 years to be a waste of time but my gut tells me different. I truly do care for this man but I can't keep putting myself through these unstable emotions. Where do I go from here?

    -Confused in NJ