Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The Shittiest BLOW OFF ever

It was sophomore year of college and I was suffering through my first major breakup. I mustered all the strength I had and blocked him from my instant messenger. Yes, you read that correctly. Before Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and even Myspace, there was instant messenger. You could even leave "away messages" (sort of like status updates), Mine were usually wise song lyrics from Britney, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy or a lil Christina Aguilera when I was feelin Dirrrty.

Anywho, my ex who I shall call...Milton, left an away message about a new girl he met named Rebecca. Apparently, she made the world go round. Barf. So when the dorky cute guy across the hall asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him, I grabbed my clip in fake haired ponytail and was out the door.

I can't remember what movie we saw, but I remember it starred Sir Anthony Hopkins. I remember our walk to the theater as white snow fell from the sky. Midway through the movie, I was actually thinking "Milton who?" Around this same time my date, who I shall call...Bob, excused himself to use the men's room. A few minutes passed. 15 minutes passed. After it had been a good half hour, I began to worry. Did he ditch me mid-date? Had my fake hair fallen out? Did he not like Sir Anthony Hopkins?

I decided it was time to investigate. I scanned the lobby, but no sign of Bob. I don't think I even had his cell phone number (we lived in the same dorm and walked to the movie together). And people weren't glued to their phones the way kids are today. "Bob?" I tentatively cried across the theater lobby. Nothing. A little louder. Still no Bob. Finally, an older gentleman took pity on me. "I lost my date," I explained. The older gentleman informed me that there was a young man who had been in the bathroom for quite sometime. Seemed he had a case of the "tummy troubles." I asked my new friend if he would mind checking on Bob for me.

A few moments later, out walked Bob and he looked as if he'd been through the trenches. Pale and shaken up, we decided we should try to get him back to the dorms. The walk back was super awkward. It was unclear whether or not he was going to pass out, throw up or be forced to squat behind a snowy bush. Thankfully we made it back before the shit hit the fan.

Bob and I never really talked again. There was the occasional awkward hello, but he often avoided eye contact. Can't say I blame him. The moral of this story is that sometimes dates are bad and sometimes he's just not that into you. But sometimes...shit just happens.

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