Monday, October 5, 2015

the marriage conundrum & the BLOW OFF

Some of the primary goals for women used to be to (1) find a husband, (2) marry him, and (3) live happily ever after as his wife. Now that we’ve made strides to the point where women can attend college (if they want to), rise through the ranks at their jobs (within the bounds of the glass ceiling, of course), and finance their own lifestyles, marriage isn’t as much of a necessity in a woman’s life. Which is great! We can have fulfilling lives sans a man if that’s what we want, proving that life doesn’t begin with your wedding day.

But what if we do want marriage in our future?

The pendulum has swung so far that wanting “something serious”—or God forbid marriage—is practically shameful. Or, at the very least, desperate and needy.

Just because we want something serious doesn’t mean it’s with the next person we meet, or the person we’re on a date with at that moment. I’m not saying we intend to marry anyone or that we have to be married by a certain age. It very well may not happen, but there are plenty of desires that will never come to realization in our lives. That risk doesn’t keep us from pursuing them.

We’ve all known people who have unjustified reasons for wanting marriage in their lives: “I’ve been envisioning my wedding day my entire life,” “My friends/siblings/cousins are getting married,” “I’m not good at being alone.” In fact, Holly Madison (former star of Vegas’ Peepshow, wife of Electric Daisy Carnival founder Pasquale Rotella, mother to Rainbow, and, oh, Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriend) had some thoughts on this in her tell-all Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny:

True happiness doesn’t come from simply getting married…marriage and family are certainly beautiful parts of life, but I believe those things can truly be appreciated only when we find, love, and respect ourselves first. Pasquale didn’t come to me at a time in my life when I needed rescuing most—he came when I didn’t actually need to be rescued at all. And because of that, we developed a true and meaningful partnership.

Aspiring to have a true and meaningful partnership that extends beyond casual hookups is a healthy and natural inclination. There’s nothing wrong with preferring a stable, monogamous relationship over a series of one-night stands (and vice versa). While we don’t need to be a wife or a mother to be happy,1 that doesn’t mean we have to pretend that we don’t want those things. I’m not saying marriage-minded intentions need to be shouted from the rooftops (or brought up on a first date!), but if people are going to overcome their fear of commitment, tiptoeing around the issue seems to allow them to never confront it.

What are some of the crazier reasons you’ve heard of people wanting to get married? Do you feel that marriage-mindedness is indicative of desperation and neediness? Comment below!

Note: Until you find the relationship that doesn’t come to an end, send your BLOW OFF stories to!

1 If you feel you do, I recommend finding a third thing that makes you happy.

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