Wednesday, November 11, 2015

the top ten reasons your boyfriend HATES you

No matter how much you love a person, there are going to be some moments where you... kind of hate them. Yeah, I know. Hate is a strong word. But can we all agree that "dislike" just doesn't pack as much punch in a sentence? SO, if you are female and sometimes wonder: "Does my significant other hate the fuck out of me?" then this list is for you. Here are some of the things we can all start avoiding to keep our men happy. Come on guys, you know me better than that. I would never type those words and actually mean it. Here's a list of annoying shit we should try to stop doing cause it's sucky. (I'll for sure be doing a top ten reasons your girlfriend HATES you list too next week).

10. You're passive aggressive. You quietly fume and allow it to come out by mumbling catty comments under your breath. Like "I guess I'll take out the trash, even though I already do everything else around here." This is all wrong. Instead, consider just asking him nicely to take out the trash. Everyone wins.

9. You complain everyday, all the time. See this whole post on the topic.

8. You stress before you need to stress. I just did this the other night. Our water heater was broken and I turned the whole house upside down looking for our warranty, because I'd been told replacing a water heater costs thousands of dollars. I was completely nutso about it and guess what? This guy came to the house the next day and fixed the water heater for $100. I totally freaked out for no reason.

7. You let things spiral. Remember how I told you guys I turned the house upside down while looking for that water heater warranty? Well, that turned into me losing my shit about how messy our office closet is, because H-Bomb has too many camping supplies and why does he have so much stuff and why can't he put it somewhere I don't have to look at it and.... OMG SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU'RE THE WORST (is probably what my husband was thinking).

6. You are impossible to please. Does your boyfriend have severe panic attacks at the thought of buying you a birthday present? Does cooking you dinner give him explosive diarrhea? Does planning a date night make his blood pressure skyrocket? If you've answered "yes" to any of these questions, you might be impossible to please. Consider loving his choices even if you were hoping or expecting something different.

5. You make him feel like he's embarrassing. Look, I feel your pain on this one. Sometimes spouses can say or do things in a public setting that make us cringe. Sometimes our gut reaction is to be like "OMG, guys. Who would date this guy? Hahaha. Not me!"The thing is, we look like assholes when we do that. You know what's so much cooler? When we're like "My sig other is crazy and that's why I love him." Embrace the good with the bad.

4. You suck at giving hand jobs and blow jobs and you refuse to have anal sex. Just kidding, guys. I ran out of ideas. This is where I start to feel guilty that this entire post is #1 anti-feminist and #2 describes me to a tee #3 Why are hand jobs so hard?

3. You never get excited about the things he gets excited about. I'm a city girl and I thought I married a city guy. Somewhere during the course of our relationship, the H-bomb fell in love with hiking and nature (I know, gross). But he LOVES it. And I love that he loves it. And that's why when he shows me beautiful pictures of mountains and trees and rocks, I pay attention to show that I'm genuinely interested.

2. You never walk at the right pace. Am I right, dudes? It's like women either walk too slow cause we're in heels or we just like to take our time or we walk WAY TOO fast, because we're pissed at you. (Side note, if I was a super hero walking really fast when I'm angry would be my super power.)

1. You criticize him ALL the time. Which also emasculates the shit out of him. I'm always on the fence about this one. It's not our job to make a man feel like a man, but guys hate it when we make it seem like they can do nothing right in our eyes (see #6). Try to take the critiques down a notch or focus on the positive.

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