Thursday, December 31, 2015

Peace Out, 2015!

You didn't think I'd leave you without one last post to take us into 2016-- did you? Yes, I know... I've been neglecting the blog. I promise I'm not ghosting you guys. One of my new year's resolutions will be to get back to posting regularly. Luckily, I've been busy with other writing jobs. I'm still working on iZombie (are you guys watching?? It's SO good. You think you've had a hard time dating? Try dating when you're a zombie) and I've been hard at work finishing my first YA novel and starting the sequel. More details on that later. Here's the really good news:


I'll be recapping The Bachelor starting next week. Even though Ben H bores me to tears. Some tidbits I've gathered from the season ahead. Amber (the one black girl on Bachelor in Paradise) and Becca (the virgin from Farmer Chris's season) will both be back. The best names this season go to "Jubilee", "Shushanna", "Lace", and "Tiara". Shockingly, none of these women list "stripper" as their occupation. In fact, Shushanna is a mathematician. The most ridiculous occupation? It's a tie between "Twin" and "chicken enthusiast."

Also, Ben H likes 'em young. Most of these girls are around twenty-three. Here's who I think will win based on photos alone:
PLEASE LET 2016 BE THE YEAR A PERSON OF COLOR WINS THE FINAL ROSE!!!!!!!!!!

Now, let's reflect a bit on 2015. My friend Toby says everyone loves BEST OF lists, so I'm gonna make my own.

Best work of fiction about relationships: Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff
Best break-up song:  Hotline Bling by Drake. 1st runner up: Same Old Love by Selena Gomez. Hello by Adele was disqualified for getting old after like four days on the radio.
 Best Break-up Album: Ryan Adams covering all the songs on 1989
Best movie about relationships: While We're Young (Guys, I wasn't really into Trainwreck. Don't hate me. I blame Judd Apatow.)
 Best TV episode about relationships: Master of None, episodes three & nine
Best TV show about relationships: As much as I hate to admit it, The Affair was pretty great this season.  Noah Solloway is such a dick.
Pacey (I mean, Cole) FOREVER.
Celebrity couple of 2015 I'd like to go on a double date with: John Legend & Chrissy Teigen
he got her a cheese wheel for her birthday. 'nuff said.
Most shocking celebrity break-up of 2015: There was a record number of celeb break-ups this year, but it's a tie between Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck and Gwen Stefani & Gavin Rossdale. Mainly b/c I thought these ladies would just turn a blind eye for the rest of their lives. (Note: Both dudes fucked the nanny.)
Affleck nanny: Ewwwwwww.
First runner-up: Yolanda & David Foster. How can you call a guy "my love" that often when you were really just miserable?! For those of you who are like, "who the fuck are these people?" David Foster is a famous music producer, Yolanda is a Real Housewife of Bev Hills, her daughter Gigi is a super model and part of the Taylor Swift squad.
Most annoying new couple of 2015: Blake Shelton & Gwen Stefani. I'm happy for Gwen. Really, I am. And Blake is hot and charming. I TOTALLY get it. But they're laying it on a little thick, no? That said, I hope she gets pregnant and has a daughter.
Guy who was formally hot who suddenly got gross and ugly in 2015:
RIP Hot Johnny Depp

Most juicy reality TV storyline: David cheating on Shannon on RHOC. (Please refer to item #1 on this list to prove that I do in fact have a brain).
Most read BLOW OFF post of 2015: this recap about that infamous episode of The Bachelor when Farmer Chris left two psycho girls behind in the badlands.

Most read BLOW OFF post of 2015 (that's not bachelor related): The 30 Day break-up challenge. What a perfect post to help you kick off 2016! Just add all these things to a January calendar.

Wow, 2015 was cray. I wish you all a really happy 20-sexteen (see what i did there?) Here's to less heartbreak, more hardcore boning. Yay!

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