Wednesday, January 13, 2016

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 2

I want to start this post by telling everyone what The Bachelor has cost me and my family. My poor house-trained pug, Mabel, peed on a rug in protest because I ignored her for two hours while I watched the show. That bitch is totally calling pug protective services today. If I lose my dog, I'm going to burn that bachelor house to the motherfucking ground. I may do that anyway, because that home is a bio-hazard. Every parent who doesn't get their kids vaccinated should be required to live in that dilapidated polio mumps mansion.

Anyway. ABC makes up for no shirtless shots of Ben last week by giving us a full outline of his peen as he gets dressed in his hotel room. Apparently, there have been budget cuts, because former bachelors got entire homes to themselves, but Ben has to settle for a hotel room at the Four Seasons. None of this matters, because I found his penis underwhelming.

"He should've made sure his contract didn't allow for peen reveals." -(from a male viewer who insists on being quoted in these recaps.)

The episode kicks off with a group date. The girls are whisked off in a limo and taken to a... high school. They're met by Ben who tells them high school was one of the best times of his life.

No. Just no. Hell no. I mean, NO. I can't get behind any guy who still refers to high school as the best times of his life. Even if said guy is merely twenty-six. The only redeeming part of this entire sequence was seeing Chris Harrison dressed as a teacher with glasses, a checkered shirt, and a sweater vest. SWOON. This is a good look for him. Far better than the Cameron from Modern Family attire he normally sports.

"There are more bouncing boobs in the first fifteen minutes of this show than the last fifteen years of my life." -(from a male viewer who insists on being quoted in these recaps.)

The women are told they need to partner up and pass four different high school subjects. The pair still standing at the end faces off against each other, and the winner will get to be... homecoming queen. Say what? How is that a prize? How old are we? Bring on a massage or a champagne picnic or a free pedicure or a remote control operated, BPA free vibrator.

Here's what we learn from this segment. Adult illiteracy is real. Lace can't read directions, and thus, she and Jubilee lose a chance at being homecoming queen when their volcano is the only one that doesn't explode during "science class." Becca (the virgin) and Jojo (my girl crush) fail geography when they think Indiana is sideways and should be closer to the eastern seaboard. If I was asked to place Indiana on a map, I would place it far away in the ocean where it belongs. Correction: last week I said Ben was from Iowa. He's not. He's from Indiana. Update: There's basically no difference between those two states.

The competition ends with Mandy (Team Dentist) and Amber (Team I've been on Six different seasons of The Bachelor) going head to head in a track and field race where they have to jump hurdles for Ben's love. Mandy kicks ass and for her grand prize, she gets to ride in a sad convertible around an empty high school track and wave to all the girls who lost. The only adjective I can think of to describe this scene is "dumb." Hopefully, one of these girls had the good sense to sneak away to the baseball dugout with Chris Harrison and recreate the scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Aloha, Mr. Hand Job. Seriously though, how many of these contestants do we think Harrison has already tapped? I'm going to take a wild guess and say 14.5.

Regardless, Mandy should watch her back, because there's a 99% chance Lace will dump a bucket of pig's blood on her head before the night ends. There's also a very good chance that Mandy will turn it into performance art. CUT TO:

The obligatory rooftop group date. Virgin Becca and Ben hang out on the basketball court and male penises all over the country go completely haywire when Becca makes a basket. I still think Becca is just a very repressed lesbian and now I finally have my proof. These two have a perfectly pleasant and boring conversation about why Becca decided to come on to the show. Interestingly enough, they have more chemistry in this very brief exchange than I witnessed between Farmer Chris and Becca during the entirety of his season. Becca's really pretty if a humorless girl with stunning blue eyes is your type. Ben tells Becca he really appreciates her coming on the show.

"Holy fuck, Ben appreciates everything. And he can't stop holding hands. He appreciates fingers and palms and thumbs." -(from a male viewer who insists on being quoted in these recaps.)

Other highlights from this date: Jennifer (AKA Dem Boobs) snags the very first kiss from Ben. I think she might be the dark horse in this competition, guys. Jubilee (AKA Dat Ass) gets some alone time with Ben and reveals that she was adopted and lived in an orphanage for a period of time. Ben says that he really appreciates her opening up to him. And then in a very surprising move, he turns to her and sings:  The sun will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar, that tomorrow... there'll be sun.

Suddenly, with no warning, the entire episode turns into Black Annie Live with Chris Harrison in the role of Daddy Warbucks, Amber in the role of Punjab, Lace in the role of Mrs. Hannigan, and Jubilee in the role of Annie. Ben is relegated to playing Sandy the dog. None of that happened, but you can thank me later for the idea, ABC

For reals though, more on Ben and Jubilee. I want to believe that this is a guy who's interested in women of all races and colors, but I just don't see him being the bachelor that breaks down racial barriers and makes interracial dating legal in the United States. Sadly, a more likely theory is that ABC knows they look like a bunch of fucking racist confederate flag lovers and they've specifically told Ben to keep the season diverse for as long as possible. All signs point to Jubilee (a war hero) being the next Bachelorette. It feels forced on Ben's part. I won't believe it until they make out.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Crazy Teeth Lace spends a good portion of the group date determined to prove to Ben that she's not crazy. She literally says "I want to show Ben I'm not crazy." Here's the thing. Any time you need to show a guy you're not crazy, it means...

Lace as played by Kristin Wiig
Lace makes Norman Bates look like a very well-adjusted young man. She makes Bald Britney look like a normal gal experimenting with her hair. She makes Amazing Amy from Gone Girl look like a wife who was just really into hilarious practical jokes.

The group date ends with sweet, boring, Ben whisking JoJo off to a helicopter pad. He gets super handsy with Jojo, tells her he loves her sweet attitude, squeezes her back skin, and makes out with her. This might be the horniest I've seen Ben so far and I don't blame the guy, because JoJo is the perfect combination of cute and sexy. JoJo manages to get the group date rose-- proving once and for all that men don't care if a girl doesn't know the correct placement of Indiana.
Ethnically ambiguous Kaila gets the first one on one date of the season, and ABC decides to capitalize on this opportunity by promoting Ride Along 2. That's right. Kevin Hart and Ice Cube arrive at the house to hang out with Ben and Kaila on their date. This is exciting for a variety of reasons. #1 There will finally be some dudes on this show with charisma. #2 This is the most screen time two black men have ever gotten on The Bachelor franchise. #3 Maybe they'll take Ben and Kaila to a Black Lives Matter rally and they'll spend their date raising awareness for the racial divide in this country and the ongoing issues of inequality and police brutality against African-Americans. Sadly, that's way less likely to happen than the live production of Annie, but I wish the show was required to contribute to society for like five minutes of air time.

Instead, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube help Ben plan a date for Kaila.  But even the comedic pairing of Hart and Cube can't save this date from being the safest alternative for Ambien. During the car ride, Ben and Kaila discuss (no joke) their favorite colors. Hers is yellow (not cause she's Asian, you racists) and I don't remember what Ben said because who the fuck really cares what anyone's favorite color is. (Mine include burnt orange, navy, pea green. Earth tones for the win!)

The best part of this date is when Ice Cube takes Ben to a liquor store and tells him all he needs for a good time is a bottle of hennessy and some condoms. Agreed! Since Ben is a giant pussy, he doesn't take Cube's advice. We're then forced to watch a ridiculously generic hot tub gag in which our foursome goes to a hot tub store and Ben and Kaila decide to get in one. Camera pulls back and we reveal Kevin Hart is also soaking in the tub with them. Jimmy Kimmel called. He wants his gag from last season back. Burn!

It's during this portion of the date that we see Kaila in a bikini and I start having severe body image issues. The H-bomb calls her "skinny fat" and I don't know whether to kiss him or kill him for that comment.

Back at the house, Amanda cries because she misses her kids. Back at my house, I don't care.

Ben and Kaila have dinner and she asks him about a comment he made when he was a contestant on Kaitlyn's season. Ben referred to himself as "unlovable." Let me break this down for all of you. A producer told him to refer to himself as unlovable knowing that women across the country would simultaneously wet themselves, because there's nothing we all love more than a man who thinks he's broken and unworthy of love. But here's the deal: A good looking white guy from Indiana raised by happily married middle class parents does not get to call himself unlovable. Trust me, ladies. He's never put himself in this category. In fact, only homeless crackheads who hate puppies are allowed to worry they might be "unlovable."

After dinner, Ben and Kaila go to a theater where they're surprised to find Amos Lee (no idea) on stage serenading them. They slow dance, they make out, Ben fan boys over his favorite Amos Lee song and sings along, and for the first time I find myself mildly attracted to him. There's just something about a man slow dancing with you, while passionately singing along to a folk song that melts my black cold heart.

All in all, they have a good date. But I'm not sold on Kaila. She's slightly too perky and kind of reminds me of a grown up Dora the Explorer come to life. 

Second group date time!

Since this show is a completely asinine way to meet your future spouse, the producers have decided to consult science. They introduce Ben and the girls to Dr. Love and his team of actors in white lab coats. It turns out, their data can lead Ben Lame straight to the right woman. If that's actually the case, then I demand every contestant goes through the Dr. Love test and we end the season now.

This date is my worst nightmare on so many levels. First off, the ladies are forced to wear white biker shorts. You heard me. White. Biker. Shorts. And then Ben has to SMELL them. Um..
If a guy had to smell me before deciding whether or not to date me, I'm fairly certain I would be single right now. They'd be like "hmmmm... I'm getting a whiff of nervous sweat, a healthy dose of Trader Joe's Coconut Body Butter, and... do I detect a hint of urine?"

Most of the ladies get positive responses from the sniff test. Olivia (gorgeous/ugly newscaster) is told she smells really sweet. Here's the odd thing about Olivia. Sometimes she looks super pretty and sometimes she looks like this:
Sometimes she looks like Cameron Diaz's hot younger sister. Other times she looks like this:
It's weird.

The most awkward part of this date is when Ben Awful tells perfectly cool and normal Samantha that she smells sour. It could've been worse. He could've told her she smelled like poop and fish. But "sour" is not exactly the best adjective. After the smell test, Ben and each girl had to put on these weird wire things and hold each other while psychedelic versions of themselves showed up on a screen and Dr. Love pretended to do more science. Ho-Livia tried to kiss Ben, but he wouldn't put out since the rest of the white biker short gang was watching.

Side note, Ben has bacne.

After hours of rigorous testing, Dr. Love and his team return with their results. All the girls have HIV! Just kidding, but that would have been awesome. Of all the women, Sam is the least compatible with Ben with a score of 2.45. Ho-Livia's numbers are through the roof with 7.4.

I don't feel bad for Samantha, because getting a 2.45 actually means that she's the coolest bitch in the house. Why would anyone want to be highly compatible with a guy who's not into condoms and Hennessy? Why is Ben anti-safe sex?? Why didn't the make-up team cover up his bacne??

In a move that surprises no one, Olivia gets the group date rose. All the other women seethe with jealousy. CUT TO:

The pre- rose ceremony cocktail party. The Olivia Crisis continues throughout the house when she commits the most heinous crime in Bachelor Land-- she hangs out with Ben during the cocktail party even though she already has a rose. The nerve! Real talk though: Olivia's a bitch. Why can't she be confident and self-assured without being cunty to all the sour smelling ladies in the house? So far, I'm not a fan. A few more highlights:

After Ben learns that baby voice Amanda has two kids at home, the producers come up with the ultra-sweet idea of him and Amanda making barrettes for her daughters. I'll admit, this is thoughtful. Nicely done, unpaid intern who had to purchase these supplies.

Ben even manages to keep his "I'm just a sweet guy that appreciates everyone" persona when Lace corners him on the balcony in her tenth effort to prove she's not crazy. She actually tells Ben that she can be a lot to handle. Rule #1 in life: Never tell a guy you're a lot to handle unless you're referring to sex stuff. It's highly likely that if Lace sticks around any longer, all of the other female contestants will end up murdered in their sleep. Which would for sure be the most shocking episode in Bachelor history. My hope for Lace is that she finds love... with Robert Durst.

Rose ceremony. This girl that I didn't even know was on the show decides she doesn't want to except Ben's rose, because she can't deal with the threat of getting herpes from the toilets in this house and because she doesn't like the cameras. I'm really hoping she's going to meet Ice Cube in a hotel room with condoms and hennessy.

Sadly, Samantha does not get a rose at the end of the episode and this is one small indication to me that Ben is not the sweet nice guy you all want to believe he is. First of all, he's a believer in fake science. Why not keep adorable Sam around a little longer? Why not prove Dr. Love wrong? After all, I'm pretty sure the doc supplies bogus love spells to Nigerian scam artists.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I won't forget you Sam."
(from the male viewer who insists on being quoted in these recaps.)

In happier news, Lace gets a rose. Which means we can *fingers-crossed* expect more of this:

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