Wednesday, January 27, 2016

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

If any of you thought you were watching a breezy dating show-- you were wrong. What we're actually witnessing is a dangerous social experiment where twenty plus women are forced to date the same man. And while said man is sub-par in every way possible, the women are brain-washed into thinking he's the second coming of Brad Pitt, and that none of them are worthy of his love. This is not "The Bachelor." This is some Lord of the Flies next level shit. And I put all my money on Olivia as the first contestant to put on tribal make-up and cut a bitch with a spear. 

The episode kicks off with international sex symbol Chris Harrison arriving at the Bachelor house to let the ladies know Ben's now in Vegas. Translation: Ben's been shacking up with a stripper named Shadynasty and the only way they could get him to continue with the show is if they flew all the ladies to Sin City. I've seen Unreal. I know how this shit works.

The twins are especially excited about this trip, because they were born and raised in Vegas. Say what? No one was actually born and raised in Las Vegas except for lizards and invertebrates. They are really hoping they can show Ben around their hometown. Little do they know this entire trip was built around dropping one of them off at home for good.

The ladies arrive in Vegas, all wearing their best flannels. They proceed to go ape shit when they see a cheesy digital sign welcoming them... from Ben. They all swoon that it's so romantic. One contestant even says they all fell in love at this moment. Are all of these women mentally disabled? I'm not trying to be funny. I'm really asking. Are they? Do they not know that the person they should be falling for is an underpaid production assistant who was ordered to make this sign happen? Ladies, I made you a sign too:
you just fell in love with me
Jojo (my #1) gets the first one on one date, but Toe-Livia doesn't let that get her down. She's confident in her relationship with Bland Ben. She's zen with Ben (spoiler alert: she has a panic attack later in the episode). Olivia is delusional. I have never met a girl with cankles and that much self-esteem. Teach me your ways, Olivia and I will let you touch my perfect shapely ankles.

We get treated to a pointless sequence of the twins hanging out in the hotel gym together and walking on the treadmill. We learn they do everything together. They live together,  they work together, they walk on the treadmill together, they shit together, they eat breakfast together, they shower together, they watch TV together, they give blow jobs together, they do their make-up together, and they haunt people's nightmares together. True story-- Emily and Haley were the twins on the cover of the Smashing Pumpkins album Siamese Dream:
Just kidding, guys. That album came out in 1993 and Emily and Haley weren't born till 2000.

Off camera, the producers drag Ben away from his cocaine infested hotel room and from a naked, sweaty, and dissatisfied Shadynasty. It's time to pick up Jojo for their date. I'm sorely disappointed in Jojo's outfit choice (daisy duke cut offs and an off shoulder top straight out of Contempo Casuals? Gross.) If I didn't want to cut off her face and sew it onto mine, I'd be tempted to coin the nickname "Hoho".

Zen Ben takes Hoho Jojo to a rooftop where they drink champagne and pretend they're not waiting for a helicopter. In yet another royal fuck up by production, the helicopter lands on the roof-- knocking over the table AND the champagne. Oh hell no! Ben, however, thinks this is the perfect time to molest Jojo's upper lip with his mouth. They start kissing and by pure coincidence, all the other contestants have a view of their make out session from their hotel room.

And thus, begins the unraveling of Olivia. Now she's worried. Jojo is so pretty (I know!) and Ben is going to fall in love with her, while Olivia has to sit in a hotel room. To make matters worse, we learn Virgin American (AKA Becca) gets the next one on one date.

Aside from the lame helicopter ride, the daytime portion of Jojo's date was left on the cutting room floor, but that's okay because OLIVIA. During the nighttime portion of the date, Jojo redeems herself by wearing a classy black jumpsuit. She also opens up to Ben that she has trust issues, and says she wasn't the only person in her ex-boyfriend's life. So, that either means he was cheating OR he had parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, neighbors? It doesn't matter, because this story is boring and no one cares. Everyone's had their heartbroken Jojo. But not everyone has perfect hair and perfect nails, so STOP YOUR WHINING. Side note, if you have trust issues and want to be the only person in your boyfriend's life, then maybe don't go on a show where the guy you're into is also dating twenty other girls. Just a thought. Anyway, they make out, fire works go off, other girls get jealous. Date over.

This episode definitely had the world's longest group date in Bachelor history. It was torture. In fact, the CIA should just make terrorists watch this group date and I promise they will reveal all their spy secrets in like five minutes. Think of all that money I just saved the government on water and boards and Guantanamo Bay. You're welcome, America.

On the group date, the girls learn they're doing a talent show and will open for famous ventriloquist name I don't know.  In a shocking twist, the majority of the ladies realize they have no talent. The twins do a river dance. Jubilee plays the cello (she's so versatile!), someone hula hoops, Kaila does a belly dance, etc. During rehearsals, we learn that Olivia has a surprise up her sleeve. When it's her turn to perform, she pops out of a cake wearing a really ugly showgirl outfit. She then proceeds to dance around awkwardly. Fuck, I can't do it justice. You need to watch it:

It's awful. And so uncomfortable. Even Ben looks mortified. This was me at home watching:
I want the name of the producer who convinced her to do this, because they should get elected to run the world. Once the girls are backstage, Olivia proceeds to have a nervous breakdown. She's completely humiliated and I don't blame her. She should be. She made a complete fool of herself. AND she showed the world her toes and cankles! This is where my empathy levels start to go through the roof. I want to jump through the TV, hold her in my arms, and tell her to get on a plane, go home, and never go out in public again. But this is just the tip of the iceberg, guys. The worst thing about a girl who embarrasses herself on The Bachelor is the lengths she'll go to fix it...

During the cocktail party portion of the group date, Kaila nabs some alone time with Ben and doesn't waste any time before making out with him. Later, Ben calls her a tigress and a sex panther. If these aren't derogatory terms when describing an Asian woman, they should be. And Ben needs to settle down. He's clearly very drunk and very horny during this entire date. Kaila is pure and innocent and at midnight she goes back to being:
At one point, Ben uses a puppet version of himself to ask one of the girls if they're sleeping together. First of all, this makes no sense. Second, the girl kisses the puppet. The worst part about this scene is that I find the puppet far more interesting and attractive than Ben. I am hot for the puppet. THE PUPPET NEEDS TO BE THE NEXT BACHELOR! Please God, make it happen. At this rate it's actually possible that ABC will have a puppet Bachelor before they have a black bachelor. #truth

A lot of boring shit happens during this cocktail party, but the most important part is that Crazy Toe-livia tries to prove to Ben (twice) that she's "marriage material." Here are the shorthand notes I took during the show:

"Olivia comes and interrupts. Ben is annoyed. Why are girls crazy. Oh no, she's unraveling. They kiss. Ben tells her not to say sorry."

And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. Olivia apologizes for her awkward as fuck performance. Ben automatically wins all the Emmys for saying she didn't embarrass herself with a straight face. They kiss and Olivia feels better. This becomes the theme of the episode. Various women tell Ben they're scared or insecure or that this process is hard, while Ben reassures them. It's painful to watch and makes me realize that women need to stop seeking male approval. Until now, I thought that was totally okay.

Lauren B (AKA Cindy Lou) gets the group date rose and in a moment that's nearly as uncomfortable as Olivia's Napoleon Dynamite-esque strip tease, they go in for a hug right over another one of the girls. Proof:
Becca's one on one date starts with a giant box being delivered to the hotel with a wedding dress fit for--- well, fit for Becca cause it fits her perfectly. But it's ugly. Ben Herb picks her up in a pink convertible and they drive to a chapel. We suffer through a dumb scene of Ben getting down on one knee and asking Becca if she'll marry.... couples with him today. CUT TO an excruciating sequence of Ben and Becca marrying people. I would literally rather have a Game of Thrones red wedding then get married in Vegas by the Bachelor and a virgin contestant. Isn't it bad luck to get married by a virgin on your wedding day? I'm pretty sure your vagina instantly gets infested with black mold. I choose to believe these people were either actors or were still black out drunk from cheap booze and hard drugs. I don't want to live in a world where people are willing to get married on The Bachelor (without Chris Harrison officiating) unless they are severely impaired. Not to mention Ben's a sweaty mess throughout every ceremony and didn't even bother to wear a tie.

That night, Ben and Becca have dinner at the neon sign museum (which is actually kind of cool). They have an in depth discussion about faith and virginity and Ben asks Becca if she's okay with the fact that he's not a virgin. She's totally cool with it. Ben then asks if she's okay with the fact that just had sex that morning with Shadynasty. Becca says that's totally cool too. Ben says her commitment to God relates back to marriage. Clearly, if she hasn't had a D inside of her ever, then she's good at keeping commitments. It's clear that Becca is super into Ben and it all makes me realize how hard she pretended to be interested in Farmer Chris last season. In a move that surprises no one, she gets a rose.

The next day, Chris Harrison arrives at the hotel to tell the ladies Ben wants to spend extra time with two of the women. We learn he's going to have a two on one date with Emily and Haley (AKA the twins) in ONE HOUR. Which gives these girls very little time to put their face on. They are totally unrecognizable without make-up. How dare they appear on my TV screen without foundation and eyeliner?? Ben picks them up in a limo and they go to their house. We meet their mom and she's nothing short of amazing. She reminds me of this:
And this:
Meanwhile, I'm like this:
It turns out, Emily and Haley still live at home. I'm completely convinced when I see their bedrooms that they are actually sixteen years old and that their mom has probably been staying at the Bachelor mansion with them this whole time as their legal guardian. Haley still has framed photos by her bed of her old boyfriend (at prom, I swear).

Emily finally reveals herself as the evil twin when she tells Ben that Haley is shy and boring (AKA she won't do anal) and basically manipulates Ben into breaking up with her... in front of their mom. Look, it was inevitable. He couldn't keep both of them forever. And frankly, Haley came out the winner. She gets to live at home with her cool mom who probably does her laundry, cooks all of her meals, and makes blended strawberry margaritas everyday. I mean, I know it'll be embarrassing for her to go back to junior year after taking a leave of absence, but at least she'll get to hang out with her four dachshunds and maybe it's not too late to find a prom date.

Ben says his good byes to Haley and he and Emily get back in the limo and leave together. Everything about this moment feels terrible and wrong.

The cocktail party leading up to the rose ceremony is fairly uneventful. Ben reassures more girls. Olivia interrupts more conversations. She tells Ben she's falling for him. Thanks to some fancy editing and incredibly dramatic music, we are tricked into thinking Olivia will get sent home, but Rachel (who dat?) and Amber (Bachelor alum) get the boot. Amber knew her chances were bad when Jubilee got a rose. Everyone knows you can't have more than one African-American girl after episode four. Amber says her good-byes, then curls up on a chaise lounge and proceeds to cry her eyes out. It's hard to watch. Especially since Ben is such a stale vanilla wafer.

Amber needs to take a xanax and join Lace for a week long retreat in a place like Sedona that teaches you how to love yourself. And then she needs to return to Bachelor in Paradise.

The credits roll over Kaila and Ben playing the "cookie game." This is a game Kaila taught all the girls in the house. It's when you put a cookie on your forehead and move your face around until you can get it in your mouth. Dear Kaila, please go back to the 80s TGIF sitcom you were transported  from. The only time I ever want to see the cookie game again is if I'm super high and watching a rerun of Full House. But yeah, I totally get the whole tigress/sex panther thing.

Until next week. Can't wait to watch Ben reassure more girls!! And for Chris Harrison to make sweet love to them after they've been sent home to prove they are still lovable. That man is so generous.

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