Tuesday, January 5, 2016

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Season premiere

We are in serious trouble this season, guys. When all of you out there were like Ben H is SO cute, I was the only one saying: Hold up, sisters. He's got the personality of a hang nail. He's a snooze fest. He's so boring, I'd rather watch someone with a terrible lisp read the entire "S" section of the white pages. Actually, that sounds like a hit YouTube channel.

We meet up with Benjamin in his hometown of Lots of White People Live Here, Indiana. Here's what we learn. #1 Ben went to elementary school. #2 Ben's town has a movie theater. We're also introduced to Ben's parents who seem perfectly nice and perfectly harmless. It's safe to say they spend most nights watching CSI over a meal of turkey cutlets and creamed corn. They legit seem to still love each other though, so I'm not gonna hate on them too much. Ben's dad describes meeting his wife of thirty two years as "pretty cool." Now we know where Ben gets his personality from.

We do NOT get any shirtless shots of Peter Brady, but we do get a nice long scene of him leaning against a tree trunk, doing the math on how many blow jobs he'll get over the course of the season. I'm gonna go with 417.

And then we get to meet the ladies. Here are some of the stands outs from the video packages portion.

Lauren-- a blond flight attendant who looks like a lot like this chick from the brilliant Lifetime series Unreal:
Caila (pronounced Kayla) is this season's ethnically ambiguous pretty girl (think Catherine from Sean Lowe's season or Sharleen from Juan Pablo's season). She fell in love with a town in Ohio, which basically means Caila will fall in love with anything. She had a boyfriend until she watched Kaitlyn's season of The Bachelorette, saw Ben H, realized she had feelings for him, and dumped her boyfriend. Caila later coins the phrase "fifty shades of crazy." Strangely, she's not referring to herself.

Jubilee is a gorgeous African-American army vet. She's a true American hero. And she'll probably cry at some point on The Bachelor. At first, I want to ignore Jubilee completely-- A) b/c I'm trying to quit sugar and Jubilee sounds too close to Jujubee which reminds me of candy. B) The Bachelor is racist and black women never get very far on this show (we've yet to see one make it to hometown dates). I don't want to get attached just to get my heart broken.

Mandy is a dentist from Portland, Oregon who might be our kooky Ashley S of the season. She will not date a man with gingivitis, because if he can't keep his teeth clean then he might have dried poop near his penis. Okay, those aren't her words exactly-- but that's what she meant. I'm pretty sure Mandy came on this show on a dare.

The twins. Because if this show didn't already degrade women enough, it needs to remind us that men have a twin fantasy. SICK. Where will ABC go from here? I'm really hoping conjoined twins, but it'll probably be a mother/daughter pairing next season.

Amanda, a mom with TWO kids. Gross. I hope she's been doing her pelvic floor exercises, because she's the only mom this season and is competing with a bunch of twenty-three year olds with exceptional vaginas. Amanda also has a really high pitched baby voice which is not going to fool anyone into thinking her vagina is younger than it is.

Tiara lists her occupation as a chicken enthusiast. OMG. I'm in love. She even has framed photos of all of her chickens. One follows her around everywhere. And then she utters the best line anyone has ever said in any episode of the Bachelor. "it's going to be extremely hard to leave my chickens." Yassssss. Please let this chick(en) make it to the hometown dates, so Ben Gay has to ask a chicken for her hand in marriage.

Samantha is a lawyer who seems sweet, but looks a bit like Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I'll admit, I tear up when she tells the story of her dad dying of ALS. And yet, I'm already dreading the moment she tells Ben the same story and he has to pretend to be interested. How much do you guys want to bet their first date will include an ice bucket challenge? I'm calling it now! CUT TO:

Boring Ben (open for suggestions on better nicknames) arrives at the dilapidated Bachelor house in a black mustang convertible. This house is disgusting. I would literally rather live in Grey Gardens then step foot in this shit hole. Later, one of the girls refers to the "mansion" as Disneyland. Sure, they're totally the same-- if Mickey Mouse gave you herpes and there were jiz stains all over Cinderella's castle.

Three former Bachelors arrive to give Ben advice. Farmer Chris is clearly drunk in this scene and encourages Ben to make out with (fuck) everyone!  The two married guys give super lame advice and I'm not sure what else happened, because I got too busy braiding my eyelash hairs, because that activity was far more compelling than this very long sequence.

FINALLY. Chris Harrison arrives to greet Ben and-- maybe I'm just making up fake drama-- but it felt like Harrison wanted to pummel our new bachelor. I sensed some deep-rooted jealousy. Maybe he's just tired of getting the Bachelor's sloppy seconds. Maybe he wishes that when he was twenty-six years old, he could've had 28 hot ladies fighting over him. Maybe he knows Ben's dick is going to stay very wet for the next two months when the guy has the personality of a melted ice cube.

I'm going to pretend that after the rose ceremony, Chris and Ben head out to dine at a mysterious new Chinese restaurant in the valley where they're met by a very old magical chef with a fu manchu mustache. During said dinner, Chris will make a wish that he was the bachelor. Then, the following morning Chris Harrison will wake up to discover he has an ample six pack and that he's trapped in the body of Ben Higgins! And Ben Higgins will wake up to discover he's got a dad bod and he's trapped in the body of Chris Harrison! In a panic, they will go back to the same mysterious Chinese restaurant... but it will be replaced by a Bank of America.

Thus, for the entire season of The Bachelor, it'll REALLY be Chris Harrison the whole time in the body of Ben Higgins. That's how I choose to watch the remaining episodes.

Now, here are the highlights for when Ben Gay meets his litter of bitches (got that one from Diablo Cody in the after show. Yeah, I get all my best shit from Oscar winners).

Flight attendant chick gives him wings. It's awkward.

Crazy Caila jumps into his arms. It's awkward.

Lace (all teeth, the cunty one) makes Ben close his eyes and kisses him. It's awkward.

Mandy (the dentist) shows up with a giant rose on her head. It's awkward.

One twin shows up, then another one comes out of the limo. Still awkward.
Olivia (former newscaster, super gorgeous) asks Ben if he has any dimples. His penis immediately gets erect. Weirdly, it's not that awkward. They've got chemistry. Spoiler alert: She gets the first impression rose BECAUSE SHE'S FUCKING HOT. Second spoiler alert: she's only here to parlay this into a Dancing with the Stars hosting gig.
Samantha shares some good news with Ben. A) she passed the bar. B) that means she's not a dental hygienist! C) but she's fucking nuts to leave a law career to be on The Bachelor. 

Some girl I can't remember hikes him a football. Also awkard.

Jubilee steps out of the limo and Ben's eyes light up.  This gives me a lot of hope-- clearly, Ben is an equal opportunity kind of man. OR maybe he's never seen a black person before in his life. OR he really wants to hook up with a black woman before settling down. I will say Jubilee gets a good amount of screen time and seems to make it very far in the preview for the season. I'm really hoping this breaks some major race barriers and positions her to be the next bachelorette.

A girl shows up with a unicorn on her head, because Ben is her unicorn. This is cheesy as fuck, but somehow she manages to make it cute and charming and just like that... I'm in love. JoJo (AKA young Connie Britton) for the win! She's gorgeous, down to earth, and I kind of want to make out with her.

A ginger shows up and tells Ben that in case he forgets her name, he can refer to her as her nickname: "Red Velvet." This was a serious missed opportunity. She should've gone with fire crotch. According to a guy friend male viewer, she's for sure into butt play. I completely agree.

A girl shows up with a mini horse named Huey. She loves to drink booze and ride horses. Sadly, the horse is WAY cuter than she is. Huey reminds me a lot of Little Sebastian from Parks & Rec. If you don't understand this reference, then you're not a good person.
RIP Little Sebastian
Some chick named Shushanna shows up and speaks to Ben entirely in Dothraki. I was shocked that no baby dragons landed on her shoulders. Where was her army of unsullied slave soldiers?

BUT the two biggest mistakes (by two women who did not end up getting roses) was the girl who told Ben right out of the gate that she's been cyberstalking him for the last few months. I give her points for being honest-- but I will never understand why the ladies don't know to keep the crazy under wraps at least for a couple weeks. Another girl brings Ben a basket of baguettes (yum! Bread!) but then she tells him she can't eat gluten (why would anyone open with their dietary restriction??) and then she proceeds to beat the baguette like a crazy person. WTF? If I could have been the Cyrano to her de Bergerac, I would have told her to fellate the baguette instead. If she could have properly deep throated that shit the whole show would have ended and Chris Harrison would come out to pronounce them husband and wife.

The rest of the episode continues as we'd expect. Ben gets a dental exam. Two surprise Bachelor alums show up to vie for Ben Gay's heart. The first is Amber who last graced us with her presence on Bachelor in Paradise. She's the minority that won't give up. I can respect that. She's like the Rosa Parks of the Bachelor franchise. Keep on fighting the good fight, Amber! The second girl is Becca, the virgin from Farmer Chris's season. Clearly, ABC could NOT find a virgin in their current crop so they had to bring one back. I think Becca has a good shot. She and Ben would make a very attractive boring couple. BUT, I did hear Sean Lowe say that Ben ends up finding someone that doesn't get much screen time in the beginning. (JOJO!?)

Not a whole lot of drama is caused by Amber and Becca's appearance. Most of the ladies are pretty cool about it. Except for Lace.

Oh, Lace. What a stupid fucking name. I don't quite understand where this girl gets her confidence from. She looks like a busted Sarah Silverman. She's dressed like every evil bitch character in every 80s high school movie. But she gets bucko screen time trying to kiss Ben again, getting denied, and then getting more time with Ben so he can tell her that she's beautiful and he wants to get to know her better before they kiss. Then, after she gets a rose, she takes Ben aside and berates him for not making eye contact with her the whole time during the rose ceremony. Keep in mind, guys-- they've probably been filming for 12 hours straight at this point.

Could you imagine having sex with this girl? I bet she demands constant eye contact. I can only imagine all of those poor men who've heard the words "LOOK AT ME" screamed at them just as they're about to enjoy a nice orgasm. But every season needs a cunty psycho bitch and this season, we have Lace. Yay!

The credits roll as Chris Harrison hangs out with Huey (the mini-horse) and laments about how he'd like to replace Ben with him. I'm NOT kidding. Harrison really says this. I'm telling you, he hates Ben. Can't wait to watch next week's episode when Harrison is trapped in Ben's body and forces one twin to go down on him, while the other twin feeds him a kobe steak. Which would be SO awesome, because Ben didn't even kiss anyone in this episode. Ugh. So boring.


  1. So don't hate me but...I love Ben. I think he's witty and adorable. But there was a moment in time I thought I loved Juan Pablo. And my ex. So I may take this back later. Also, I was totally gonna write a post about "Are We Outta The Woods" and then i saw you beat me to it. And it's perfect

  2. WAIT, when was Ben witty? How did I miss that? He does seem like a nice person, but i'm dying for a bachelor with some personality. Outta the woods-- great song. Terrible music video. Great minds think alike though :)

  3. Ben has the personality of a wet noodle.