Thursday, February 4, 2016

Hello From The Other Side

When Adele first belted out those magical words, it took me a second to understand what she meant. Hello from the other side of the country? Hello from heaven? Did Adele die? Ok, I'm just going to be honest and say I'm still not sure exactly what she's talking about.

However, I would like to greet all of you from the other side. Hello from the other side of pain. Hello from the other side of heartbreak. Hello, I've made it through the rain, I can stand up once again. Adele and Mariah Carey became one for a minute. My point is that I'm finally able to say what I NEVER thought I'd be able to say. I'm over him.

Sure it took way too long. There were so many stops and starts, so many times I settled for any little drop of affection that he was willing to give. So many cringe worthy moments that I wish I could completely erase from history. There were so many tears and times I literally curled up into a fetal position on my bed. I couldn't imagine a time when he wouldn't affect me. If you had told me that I could go a month without seeing him, I wouldn't have believed you. It would have felt like you were asking me not to breathe.

Hello from the other side.

It's been over a year since I've seen him. Months since we've had any sort of contact. I firmly believe that his decision to date a basic bitch and block me from his phone was the greatest gift he could have ever given me. It forced me to finally move on. Instead of being jealous of this girl, I actually feel sorry for her. I know his limitations and that the most he could ever give to anyone would never be enough for me. I can't believe I ever tolerated his lack of emotion, effort, and empathy-- let alone actively pursued it.

I wish I could tell you it was an easy fix. That there was one simple and easy solution, but the truth is that it took time. The No Contact rule certainly helped and so did friends, writing, therapy, family, and going to the gym. Having new experiences and meeting new people (and yes, new guys) all served to move me farther away from that torturous place. One of the wisest things I've ever heard came from the book "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken." The authors say that the amount of time it takes to get over someone is directly proportional to how you feel about yourself.

When I was with this dude, I was a miserable shell of a person. I had a dead end job that was killing my soul. That is a direct quote from a friend. I was sharing a one bedroom apartment. I was nowhere near the woman I hoped to be in my thirties. So it made sense that I would fall for a complete dud who could totally take me or leave me. He was never outright mean or disrespectful. We had some nice moments and a comfortable routine. The sex was amazing. But he never made me feel special or happy. He never introduced me to his friends or family. I don't think he ever even took me to dinner. He continued to text and say he missed me and even after he knew my feelings for him were much stronger than his were for me. He manipulated me into getting what he wanted from me by saying the things I wanted to hear. He would get what he wanted, grow distant all over again, and I always hoped things would be different. I thought I loved him.

He always maintained that I never actually loved him and I was all "don't tell me MY feelings!" I believed he didn't want to believe I loved him because then he'd feel even guiltier for treating me so cavalierly. The girl that I am now (standing on the other side) doesn't want to believe I ever truly loved him either. So I'm gonna go with that. I NEVER LOVED HIM!!

Now I'm a publicist. I have a job that has re-energized my soul. I'm confident and assertive. I don't put up with crap in any aspect of my life. I moved into my own apartment. It's teeny, but adorable and all miiine. The girl I am now wouldn't look twice at dude. It took me a while to get to the other side and it wasn't easy, but I kept on chugging. I held onto the belief that the day I truly no longer gave a crap about him would be a joyful day. And it was. It really was. So I present to you my own version of Adele's masterpiece.

Hello from the other side
I can't believe I ever cried
I don't even know why I tried
But you finally have been bye bye bye'd

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