|cupid's span in San Francisco, built in 2002|
Cupid didn't want to meet in public this time. Due to a recent stint in rehab (for exhaustion), he was done with the likes of the Soho House and Chateau Marmont. I agreed to conduct the interview at his mid-century home in Beachwood Canyon. I brought a rape whistle and pepper spray in case he got handsy.
Saaara: Hi, Cupid.
Cupid: Hey sexy.
S: I thought we agreed we'd keep things professional.
C: That's too bad. I was hoping I could show you my red room of pain.
S: You can TOTALLY show me your red room of pain, but purely for research purposes.
C: Right. Research. If that's what you want to call it, that's what we'll call it.
S: You're bad.
C: Damn straight.
He takes me to his red room of pain. It's filled with bows, arrows, and ball gags. We conduct the rest of the interview from there.
S: Tell me about rehab. What made you hit rock bottom, Cupid?
Cupid takes a deep breath, then a long gulp from his ginger kombucha.
C: Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, Hinge, Bagels & Coffee. I thought online dating was bad for business, but I couldn't keep up with those dating apps anymore. It's a lot easier to swipe left than it is to wait around for me to shoot you with a damn arrow. I lost my way. I didn't know who I was anymore. If people didn't need me to make them fall in love, then what purpose did I serve?
S: Is that when you started the lifestyle blog?
C: Yeah, "Coop". We launched it before we were ready and it was a miserable failure. It turns out people don't want life advice from a grown man who still wears a diaper. Kanye designed leather jogging pants, so I patented leather diapers. We didn't consider the fact that leather diapers are really hard to clean and can be ruined by moisture.
S: Hmmm. Yeah. I could see how that could be bad for sales. After Coop went under, that's when the drinking got worse?
C: You could say that. I went on a bow and arrow bender. I'm responsible for some couples that had no business being together.
S: I need names, Cupid.
C: JLo and Casper Smart. I drank a bottle of whiskey and took three quaaludes the night those two hooked up. Then there was the whole Sean Penn and Charlize Theron debacle of 2015. Money was tight, so I took a bribe from the guy after he plied me with moonshine. Charlize still won't talk to me.
S: Tell me about your public meltdown on Dr. Phil. What really happened?
C: That guy can suck my dick. You can print that. His people told me it was gonna be a fluff piece. Supposedly, they were gonna bring me on to help out a few couples on the brink of divorce. Well, they lied. It was an intervention. Santa, St. Patrick, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny-- they weren't there for me. The Easter Bunny was promoting his movie with Kevin James. The Tooth Fairy just got her own reality show on Bravo. And Santa was hocking a memoir. St. Patrick thought he was there to reveal he was HIV positive. It was an embarrassment. So, I got upset and stabbed Dr. Phil in the gut with an arrow. Now that fucker's in love with me. That's when I checked myself into Promises.
S: Let's talk about George Clooney. Four years ago, you said he was on your "die alone" list.
C: He was. Clooney read that interview and it was a fuckin' wake-up call. He flew me to Lake Como and said he wanted to produce a biopic of my life. So, I gave him Amal. A few months later, he sent me the script for the movie. Let's just say Aaron Sorkin took a few too many artistic liberties. All the walk and talks? Why would I walk and talk? I have wings. Anyway, the studio wants Bradley Cooper to play me, but I'm pushing for Idris Elba.
S: I'd pay money to see him in a diaper.
C: I'd swim in the man pond for him.
S: Valentine's Day is on Sunday. Do you have any plans?
C: My sponsor says I shouldn't date for a year, so I'm laying low. Maybe I'll dust off the old bow and arrow and put a few single people out of their misery.
S: Who is the right woman for Cupid anyway?
C: Jennifer Lawrence, obvi. Have you seen the Hunger Games movies? That chick knows how to work a bow and arrow.
Cupid escorts me out through the back, away from where the paparazzi. And just as I get in my car, I spy a young woman with a stylish blond bob sneak into his house. It's JLaw. I can't really blame the guy, but I drive off with the overwhelming feeling that Cupid is going to have his heart broken and there's nothing I can do about it. Tonight, I'll go home, watch TV with my husband, and I'll try my best to forget him.