Tuesday, February 2, 2016

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

This week, Ben and the girls head to Mexico City which is awesome, because it increases their chances of being kidnapped by drug lords, getting decapitated, and having their headless corpses hung from a bridge to send a message to reality TV producers everywhere. Okay, this probably won't happen, but a girl can dream. A girl can also dream that El Chapo gets to be the next Bachelor.

Amanda (AKA Baby voice) gets the first one on one date, because you can't have a season of The Bachelor without giving the single mom some screen time. Toe-livia is upset that her name wasn't on the date card, especially because Amanda has kids and she doesn't think Ben is ready to be a dad. He's not. He's twenty-six. He probably found his first clitoris like, three months ago. He's not mature enough to raise children.

We also learn that Olivia and Ben have their own love language. By love language, she means that Ben makes completely arbitrary gestures and Olivia finds hidden meanings in them when there are none. Here's a brief glossary of their love language according to Ho-livia:

Ben squeezes Olivia's waist = he's trying to tell me I'm the one.
Ben scratches his nose = he wants to know if I'm down with butt play.
Ben sneezes = he wants us to buy a house in Indiana, have three kids (two boys and a girl), and get a hypoallergenic puppy named Noodles. 

Baby voice's date starts at four in the morning, so naturally Ben Gay decides he's going to wake the girls up in the middle of the night. Sick! I bet those hotel rooms smell like a mixture of stale breath, farts, red wine, and monistat 7. Here's what we learn: The girls are forced to share beds. Jojo has a weave (No! I don't want Jojo to become more real to me.) Lauren H (who?) wears a retainer. And Amanda sleeps with a full face of make-up, which probably explains the acne on her right cheek.

I was SO tempted to watch Ben and Amanda's date on mute, because I can't handle her voice. Do men really find baby voice's attractive?? Are you dudes all like "she's a very sexy baby"?
The only thing that would make me okay with Amanda's voice is if she confessed that she swallowed one of her daughters before appearing on the show.

Anyway. Bland Ben and Amanda go on a hot air balloon ride to check out some ruins. They make out. She looks uncomfortable. The ruins are pretty. Her kids are at home crying for their mommy.

After their hot air balloon ride, they picnic and Baby Voice opens up about her life as a single mom. She's twenty-five and has two kids. I don't care if she was married, that's gross and slutty.  I don't care if my mom also had two kids by the age of twenty-five, it's still gross and slutty. I'm thirty-five and I have zero kids, because I respect myself.

Baby voice admits to Ben that she was not in a good marriage. Basically, her husband never wanted to hang out with her and the kids. But there are two sides to every story and maybe her husband just desperately needed to be around people with adult voices. It gets worse. Amanda found an old cell phone of her husband's and learned he'd been cheating on her. Later in the episode, we also learn that his idea of a weekend with his kids is hanging out with them on Friday night and sending them home on Saturday morning. I did some research and Amanda's husband is named: NICK BUONFIGLIO. Here's a photo of Nick:
similar to Ben, he also prefers to kiss a girl's upper lip.
So, Nick is clearly douchetastic. But it might be a little unfair to peg him as a bad dad, because he seems like a doting father in all of his pictures and because...


You guys know how I feel about people who leave their kids to come on this show. It's just terrible parenting. I don't buy the whole "single mom who deserves love" act. Stay at home with your kids and go on Tinder.

That said, Ben says some sweet things about Amanda that make me like him. Like, how he doesn't understand how any man could let her go. Poor Ben. He must be hard of hearing.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives and the only person whose name isn't on it is Lauren H. Which means Lauren H gets the next one on one date. Naturally, Toe-Livia is furious that she has to go on another group date. I would be pissed too if I was her, because I'm pretty sure Lauren H is just some girl who was vacationing in Mexico City and the producers asked her if she wanted to be on the show, because I swear I don't remember her from any of the previous episodes.

The group date kicks off with Ben and the ladies taking a Spanish class together. I really respect the fact that Ben wants to use his time on the show to raise the IQ of his future wife. A few episodes ago, the ladies had to pass a series of remedial high school classes and now they get to learn to speak another language. This is a smart move on Ben's part considering that currently these girls are less intelligent than the entire family on Making a Murderer.

Nothing of note happens during the Spanish class except that the teacher looks like a chubbier Edward James Olmos from Stand and Deliver and Jubilee gives Ben a touch of attitude for repeating the same sweet nothings to all the girls in Espanol. Here's the thing. I give Jubes credit for playing hard to get and not falling all over Ben like the other ladies, but she's going a little overboard. First off, the only other thing Ben probably knows to say in Spanish is "Me permite ir al bano" (which is the only thing I remember from three years of high school Spanish.) Second, has Jubilee never seen this show? Does she not understand that she's signed up for weeks of slow torture and that she has to keep a smile on her face, while she watches Ben make out with other girls? Last but not least, why the hell does Jubilee even like Ben?? I feel like sex with him would be SO boring.

After the language course, the ladies are told they will be cooking a recipe entirely in Spanish. They need to work in teams of two and Olivia doesn't waste any time partnering up with Ben. Everyone hates her. Emily (the remaining twin) wants to murder her.
We also learn that Emily's palette hasn't expanded beyond the kids menu, which totally makes sense because she's only sixteen years old.

Ben gay is very excited about this date, because he loves to cook. Say what? Men, listen up. There is nothing sexier than a guy who loves to cook. Unless he makes a huge mess in the kitchen, cause while men cured diseases, walked on the moon, and ran the United States of America for 227 years, they still don't know how to clean.
side note: further proof that this show is racist.
Emily (the evil twin) continues to bitch about Olivia. She reveals that not only does Olivia have ugly toes and cankles, but she also has bad breath. Which is clearly why Ben suggested he and Olivia snack on some fresh mint at the market. Guys, I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here. Cankles, ugly toes, bad breath... when the sun goes down, Olivia turns into:
After the teams are finished cooking, their dishes are judged by two chefs. Jojo made tacos. And she knows her taco is delicious. Ben tasted her taco and he thought it was delicious, too. Someone did not tell Jojo that taco is a euphemism for a woman's vagina. But I bet Jojo's taco is delicious. I bet it tastes like figs and coconuts and other delicious foods normal people like. JOJO IS PERFECT. I want to taste her taco, and afterwards I want to go down on her.

But Jojo's taco doesn't get the top prize. Jubilee and Lauren B's dish wins the chefs over. And even though Ben likes to cook, his dish looked like a burnt poop sandwich.

During the cocktail portion of the date, the ladies continue to get frustrated with Ho-livia for monopolizing Ben's time and for being super aggressive. Ben and Lauren B make out and I finally realize why he's been kissing her upper lip area this whole time. It's because she has no lips. She's got the opposite of blow job lips. But what she lacks in the mouth department, she makes up for in the booty department. Dat ass... in that white dress. She's making it to the fantasy suite for sure. It's at this point in the episode where I realize that Ben has turned me gay.

The cocktail party takes a dramatic turn when Ben takes Jubilee aside to discuss their relationship. Apparently, he reached for her hand and Jubes pulled away. Oh hell no. You can't pull your hand away from a guy when every other woman around him is basically foaming at the mouth for his peen. Ben tells Jubilee in no uncertain terms that he's less confident in them, because she pulled her hand away. "How is that supposed to make me feel???" he asks.  Jubilee tries to explain why this experience is challenging and why she has her guard up. She wants to keep trying. The music gets so dramatic that I fully expect the show to cutaway to the rest of the girls getting torn to pieces by a pack of rabid pitbulls.

But then something even worse happens. Ben sends Jubilee home. NOOOOOOOOOO. She's the last black girl on the show. She didn't make it past episode five. I thought Jubes was going to be the first African-American contestant to make it to hometown dates (which would be sad I guess cause her whole family died, but still). This is not only a tragic moment, but it makes Ben look like a klan leader. And while most other contestants get to go home in a limo or SUV or a passenger van, Jubilee's sent home in a dirty cab. Fuck that shit. I really hope Jubilee uses some of her contacts in Iraq to get ISIS on Ben's ass. #TheBachelorSoWhite

When Ben tells the other ladies what happened, Jojo takes him aside to console him. Wait, WHAT? We're supposed to feel sorry for Ben, because it's hard to send people home in the middle of a cocktail party in a foreign country in a dirty cab? Here are just a few of the emotions this sequence stirred up in me:
To make matters worse, Olivia gets the group date rose.

Time for Lauren H's one on one date. I'm going to try to keep this one brief. Since Mexico City is known for its fashion (wha?), we are subjected to an obligatory shopping scene. Ben wears an ugly print shawl, Lauren giggles, the end. The plot thickens when Ben and Lauren are told they will be participating in a fashion show. Lauren gets her hair and make-up done and she's actually super pretty. She might be one of my favorites, because she shows signs of having a personality. I like that she's self-deprecating and says things like "holy shoot." I'm sure if she doesn't end up getting the final rose, she will be cast in season three of Fargo.

In what is quite possibly the hottest moment of any episode of The Bachelor, Lauren and Ben pass each other on the runway and he winks at her. It's smooth as hell and it makes me forget that he hates minorities. Swoooon. Watch the clip below:

I almost forgive Ben for looking like one of the cast members of Vanderpump Rules in that shirt. During the dinner portion of their date, Lauren opens up to Ben about moving cross country for a guy, only to have him break up with her out of the blue. It turned out he was cheating on her with multiple women, including one of her close friends. WTF? Literally every contestant on this show has been cheated on. Do all guys cheat? This is so upsetting. Ben proceeds to give Lauren H an in-depth performance review and she gets a rose. She's happy. I'm happy. They make out. CUT TO:

Cocktail party/Rose ceremony time. When I see Jojo in her dress, I'm reminded of a scene from my favorite movie Reality Bites when Troy Dyer turns to Lelaina and utters these five words: You look like a doily.
During the cocktail party, Amanda opens up to the girls about her deadbeat scumtard husband and Olivia tells her it sounds like an episode of Teen Mom. In Ho-livia's defense, I could see how she would get confused, what with Amanda sounding like a thirteen year old. Amanda is understandably pissed by the comment, especially since she was twenty-two when she had her first child. I mean, that's like three years past teen mom status, guys!

Evil Twin (Emily) decides she's going to be the first person to expose Olivia for being a computer generated ogre. I'm not exactly sure why, but Emily bursts into tears as she tells Ben that Olivia is a fake person and Emily doesn't like fake people. Damn. She's going to be SO upset when she finds out Kaila is just an animatronic doll that escaped the It's a Small World ride. Meanwhile, Olivia spends most of this time aggressively breathing in the scent of her group date rose, while saying "BEN." It's creepy as fuck.

After her conversation with Ben Gay, the evil twin calls up the good twin and cries to her about how hard this all is and how Ben gave Olivia the group date rose. Emily has a lot of nerve complaining when Haley is stuck in a small town house in Vegas, with three fat daschunds, and a mom who's probably hooked up with all of her boyfriends.

In the meantime, Lauren B takes the opportunity to tell Ben that she really likes him. This is verbatim what she said...

Lauren B: "Ben, I could see like a life with you. Like not just like getting married, like, initially. I could see like a LIFE with you. Which is like terrifying.... like, a life life."

Several other contestants warn Ben that Olivia is a giant cunt, leaving Ben completely confused. Now would be a good time for a therapy session with Chris Harrison. Benasks to take Olivia aside and then... THE SHOW ENDS.

Why, ABC. Why?? If I had to guess, Olivia is not going anywhere because she's way too entertaining. But to end this episode on a cliffhanger and leave out the rose ceremony all together? Well, that's just unacceptable. That said, I'll totally be watching next week!