Wednesday, February 10, 2016

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

In a vintage Bachelor move, the cliffhanger from last week ends on a totally anti-climactic note. Boring Ben takes Ho-livia aside to confront her about the things the women in the house have been saying. The other girls are convinced that he's going to take her rose away and send her home, and I'm convinced they're all on crack. #1 Olivia is good TV. #2 Everyone knows the villain of the show gets dumped in a much more dramatic fashion.

Olivia defends herself like all pretty girls with shitty personalities do-- she claims the other women are intimidated by her, because she's so confident. Bitch please. Three weeks ago you were crying about your cankles. She tells Ben that she's different than the other women. She prefers to do things like read books in her room. She wants to talk smart things (that is a direct quote).

The producers Ben decides to keep Olivia around for longer. This makes the other women insane, because now someone else who deserves to be here is going to go home. Look ladies, if Ben doesn't want to feel the inside of your vagina, you don't deserve to be there. Now, git.

During her interview, Olivia gloats that the other girls thought they could send her home and their plan didn't work. She then lowers her voice an octave, and says "Come at me, bro."
I don't know you, guys. She has "cankles" and ugly toes and calls the other women "bros"... Later in the episode, I notice she has a very fuzzy face. Could Bro-livia be the first trans contestant on the Bachelor and none of us even know it? Could you imagine how epic that fantasy suite date would be??? Does Olivia know all there is to know about the Crying Game?

Rose ceremony time. Jennifer gets sent home, which is kind of a bummer because she's one of those rare contestants who can pull off a hot pink dress. I thought she might be the dark horse in this competition, but she never got much screen time after the first episode when Ben kept staring at her boobs. The other ladies are bummed, because Jennifer was super sweet and didn't like to talk smart people stuff.

Side note, Chris Harrison looks incredibly dapper in his fancy suit. He's on his A-game in this episode. He's really stepped it up a notch this season with his fashion choices. In fact, if I could pick any one person, dead or alive, to have dinner with... I would totally choose Chris Harrison. Excuse me while I go tweet that. Um, holy shit:
It's on like Donkey Kong
CUT TO: The Bahamas! The ladies arrive at the hotel where they're met by a smokin' hot Chris Harrison. He lays down the ground rules for this week. There will be a one on one date, a group date, and a dreaded two on one date. He leaves them with a date card and we learn that Caila has the next one on one date. But here's the thing, guys. She's already had a one on one date.

Oh, the injustice of it all! What was Ben thinking? How could he do this to Leah?! What's that? Who the fuck is Leah? I honestly have no idea. She's some blonde girl who lives ten minutes from Ben in Indiana and has been on this show since day one. Does anyone remember ever seeing her before? And why has she had zero screen time until now? She is perfection. She's nuttier than... a fruit composed of a hard shell and a seed. She has a complete meltdown. According to Leah, everyone knows if you haven't had a one on one date by now, it means you're going home. She feels like a fool. This is a complete slap in the face. Why would Ben humiliate her like this?

Sweet Leah. It could be worse. You could be the black girl who always gets booted by episode five. (Jubilee.... #neverforget)

But none of this fazes Caila, because well, NOTHING fazes Caila. Ben picks her up on their date, they go on a boat, they make out, and Caila smiles and giggles a lot. Then they go fishing with these weird contraptions around their waists and supposedly catch a fish.
During dinner, Ben tries to dig deep with Caila. He wants to know why she's not making herself vulnerable. She has a giant grin on her face as she explains that she can't make herself vulnerable on demand. She's just not comfortable. She feels like she loves him, but can't open up. She feels like she could hurt him. His biggest fear is being unlovable and her biggest fear is breaking his heart.

A few observations:
 #1 This is what it's like to be a gorgeous half-Asian woman in America. The rest of the contestants are terrified of getting sent home. Meanwhile, Caila's terrified of breaking Ben's heart. This is because gorgeous half-Asian women are the most powerful species in this country. They don't fear rejection, because they've never been rejected.

#2 Caila doesn't feel or fear, because she's a straight up robot. She's A.I. She's Ex-Machina. She's BB8. She's a drone. She's Johnny Five's hot sister. She's the new and improved version of Vicki from Small Wonder. She's Rose from The Jetsons. She's Paulie's robot girlfriend from Rocky IV. Beep, boop, beep beep, boop. I-have-not-been-programmed-to-have-emotions-I-just-smile-all-the-time.

#3 If a girl tells you *with a goofy smile on her face* that she's probably going to break your heart, maybe don't give her a rose?

Ben gives her a rose. Caila smiles. Robots around the world rejoice.

Meanwhile, the group date card arrives back at the hotel, and we learn that Emily (AKA evil twin) and Bro-livia will be on the two-on-one date together. But none of that matters, because.... PIGS!

This isn't hyperbole. This is literally the best group date in Bachelor history. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard watching this show. The ladies hop on a boat with Bland Ben and arrive on an island that's inhabited by pigs! And they have to feed them! And the pigs are psycho and nearly murder them all. This pig wasn't there, but it doesn't matter, because PIGS!
Ben tells the ladies if they want to ward off the pigs, they just need to fold their arms in an X on their chest. This does not work. All I want is for these pigs to show up on every date from now on. Some of you may have found this segment degrading. I mean, haven't these ladies been through enough? NO! They signed up for this. I'm certain somewhere in the fine print of their contract exists a clause about getting attacked by pigs in the ocean, while wearing a skimpy bikini. It's not my fault they're females who don't know how to negotiate. Here's a clip:

And that's not even the most awkward part of the group date. When the other girls notice that Ben is all about that bass and Lauren B, they give him the cold shoulder. The whole date turns into a passive aggressive shit storm as no one wants to deal with Ben and his girly legs and his fetish for cartoon characters come to life. Leah and Lauren H huddle in a corner and complain about the fact that they quit their jobs for a guy who's into the other hotter contestants (there are so many things wrong with that conversation, I wouldn't even know where to start.) Ben tries to get some insights from Becca and Jojo, because they're probably the most level-headed women on the show (Okay, Jojo cries later, but it's okay because she's PERFECT)-- but even they don't want to let Ben off the hook.

Things go from bad to worse during the cocktail party when Desperate Leah decides to throw Lauren B under the bus. She takes Ben aside and tells him that Lauren B is different with him than she is with the ladies. I know this is complete bullshit, because the show has never painted Lauren B as a villain. Ben tells Lauren B that one of the ladies told him she was a two-faced cunt (okay, not his words exactly). A stunned and confused Lauren B cries in front of the other ladies. Meanwhile, Leah denies saying anything to Ben. The girl is a deadly combination of diabolical and stupid. You're on camera! The truth will come out! You are going to get burned at the stake during the Women Tell All special!

In a move that I find completely baffling, Ben gives the group date rose to Sexy Baby Voice. I don't get it. Is ABC trying to position her as the next Bachelorette? She has a douchebag ex-husband, a terrible voice, no signs of a personality, and no concept of birth control. If Ben takes her to the fantasy suite, she will get pregnant.

After the group date ends, Loony Leah gets even crazier when she shows up at Ben's hotel room to reiterate the fact that Lauren B is the devil. She even tries her best to differentiate herself from the other girls by wearing itty-bitty denim cut-offs. I love how they stage this scene so that it seems like Ben is totally surprised by her visit. Um, why else would there be a camera crew in his room, while he's just laying on the couch? In the middle of her tirade against Lauren B, Ben decides he'd much rather use this time to eat some cheese, order Pay-Per-View adult entertainment, and give his penis his undivided attention. He tells Leah that she's an embarrassment to Indiana and sends her packing. Leah's shocked and devastated.

I would not be surprised if next week Leah showed up in black face and pretended to be Jubilee to get back on the show. I could also see her kidnapping Lauren B, holding her hostage in a well in her basement, force feeding her to death, then making a suit out of her skin. I give her points for giving this competition her all, but Lauren B was the wrong target. If she really wanted to stick around, she should've revealed to Ben and the world that Caila is in fact an escaped replicant from Blade Runner.
Time for the two-on-one date! I think we can all agree that even though Olivia is insane, Emily is the true underdog on this date. She came on the show with her twin sister. There's a 99% chance she's still in high school. She grew up in Vegas. And she spends much of this episode distracting her twin from studying for midterms by calling to complain about Olivia. Let's be real. She's someone you have sex with a few times-- hoping she'll bring her sister along-- and then when that doesn't happen, you stop calling her. Am I right people with penises or am I right?

Boring Ben takes Olivia and Emily to an island. It's extremely windy. It's always extremely windy on The Bachelor. You know this, production. Why don't you have a back-up plan at the ready? Couldn't they have just gone to a nice indoor mall somewhere? Olivia and Ben get some one on one time and she makes a bold move by telling him that she's grounded in her body, deep intellectual stuff is her jam, and that she's in love with him. Ben's face lights up and they kiss. Olivia thinks she has this in the bag, especially when Ben grabs the rose and whisks her away from Emily. He proceeds to tell Olivia that today she was able to speak from her heart. He knows that she's different and special. BUT, he can't reciprocate her feelings "that's why I can't give you this rose that I've been holding in my hand this whole time, just to make you feel like even more of an asshole."

Okay, don't get me wrong-- I hate Bro-livia. But WTF? I have to assume that the show gives Ben a generous bonus every time he's willing to do something super dicky. This is the equivalent of showing a woman an engagement ring, then telling her all the reasons you can't give it to her. It gets worse. Emily gets the rose and they hop on a boat and leave Olivia on a deserted island in the middle of a freaking hurricane. I'm not sure why the producers of this show think we need to watch people get totally humiliated. Personally, I did not need a cruel reminder of that time I went to an island on a two on one date with a guy, and he gave the other girl a rose and they sailed away and left me there for weeks. Salt in the wound, ABC.
Does anyone know if Olivia is still on that island??
After a tough week of women telling Ben they're in love him, he decides he doesn't have it in him to sit through a cocktail party. He wants to skip right to the rose ceremony. In a predictable move, he sends Lauren H home. Yes, the same girl he winked at last week. How quickly things change...

I'll end this recap with a startling revelation. My sister pointed out to me that Ben is younger than our baby brother. SICK! Here's a picture of my brother and his girlfriend. They're adorable. They're also basically teenagers. If the next Bachelor isn't a black man over the age of thirty-two, I'm going to set myself Olivia on fire in front of the ABC building. But not until after my candlelit dinner with Chris Harrison.


  1. Ben totally banged that other twin on the boat ride home

  2. Leah lives near Ben in Denver.

  3. How awesome would it be if the next bachelorette discovers she's pregnant by Ben during her season! I would DIE!!! Awesome recap, as always.

  4. I don't know how you did it, but through the power of your words and tweets...i now love Chris Harrison.