Wednesday, February 17, 2016

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

Let's get real for a second. This show is nothing without Olivia and Lace. Remember Lace? The girl who ran around telling everyone she wasn't crazy, when she was in fact bat-shit? Remember Olivia? The girl who did the very awkward strip-tease, sobbed about her cankles, and is probably still chilling on a deserted island? I can't live without them. The remaining ladies are far too nice to each other and they simply don't bring the drama. This was quite possibly the most boring episode of the season.... and not just because it took place in Warsaw, Indiana. Okay, fine. Precisely because it took place in Warsaw, Indiana.
The episode kicks off with Ben returning home and meeting his parents at a diner. They're all thrilled to see each other. I like Mr. and Mrs. Higgins. They're real salt of the earth type people. And according to Ben, they're still in love and still have sex. Ben spends most of the meal telling his parents about his six girlfriends. He says that he's most himself around Jojo (um, marry her), that Caila's biggest fear is not being able to fall in love with him (um, break up wither her), that Amanda has two kids. Ben's mom nearly spits out her coffee when she hears this. I know exactly what she's thinking-- she still does Ben's laundry... does he really think he's mature enough to be a stepdad?

Spoiler alert: he's not. But he really wants to have sex with Amanda and you can't take a girl to the fantasy suite until you meet her family first. He actually describes Amanda as "shockingly beautiful" and I'm like WHAT?? Is this guy on crack? I would describe Angelina Jolie as shockingly beautiful. Or Halle Berry. Or the Grand Canyon. I would actually describe the other five girls as shockingly beautiful before I would describe Amanda that way. It's not just her sexy baby voice. It's the shit-ton of make-up she wears and the over processed hair. And unless she had those babies via c-section, then her vagina is nothing to write home about either.

After breakfast, Ben hops on a boat and goes to the lake house where his six girlfriends are waiting for him. The show does a good job of making Warsaw look like a quaint little town (and a bustling metropolis compared to where Farmer Chris lived) BUT as Chris Harrison pointed out on Twitter, there's no mention of the town's heroin epidemic. Seriously. Everyone in Warsaw is hooked on heroin. Google it.

The girls swoon when they see Ben, but shit gets real when he asks Cindy Lou (Lauren B) out on a date in front of everyone. But Lauren's excited to get one on one time with Ben, because last week one of the girls told Ben that she was secretly cunty and now Lauren wants to set the record straight. The date begins with them driving around Warsaw in a red truck provided by production. (Ben def drives a used Nissan Sentra.) Ben points out his megachurch, elementary school, and high school to Lauren and she pretends to care. He references being a football player in high school and when Lauren asks him what position he played, he oh-so-modestly tells her he was the quarterback. Here's the thing:

IT WAS ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO. MOVE ON. NO ONE CARES. NO ONE! HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL ONLY MATTERS IN THE FICTIONAL TOWN OF DILLON, TEXAS.


After Lauren gives Ben road head, he takes her to the Baker's Youth Club where he worked for six years. By "worked' he means he volunteered, while living with his parents. But I am a sucker for kids in need and I'm glad these children have a safe haven they can go to, while their parents are busy searching for a vein. Interestingly enough, the guy who works there doesn't refer to Ben by the nicknames of "Boring Ben," "Bland Ben," or "Ben Gay." Instead, he calls him Big Ben.

My favorite part of this date (and episode) is when we meet Ronnie. He's a special needs kid at Baker's Youth Club and he's adorable. They call him Half Court Ronnie, because he's really good at making a shot from half court (I know you needed that one explained to you). If Ronnie can make a basket from half-court, then Ben has to kiss Lauren. Ronnie makes the shot and I instantly want him to have his own show on TLC, because he makes this world a better place.
Ronnie (on the left) gives Lauren & Ben the death stare. That's basically my face the whole time I watch this show.
Later, the kids get treated to a visit from a couple players from the Indiana Pacers. Is this a big deal? Are these guys famous? What are pacers? I have no idea, but the kids seem pretty excited. Lauren's having such a good day that she says her cheeks hurt from smiling so much. That is NOT a thing. No one's cheeks hurt from smiling too much. Like, does anyone ever call in sick and say "I can't come to work today, because I'm in severe cheek pain from smiling too much?" No, because that's never happened. That said, you can get legitimate cheek pain from going down on a guy for a long time.

Randomly, at some point during this date, an adorable little boy starts crying on the sidelines. Probably because his parent died of a heroin overdose that morning. Or because this is his first time seeing non-white people in Warsaw. Ben tries to cheer him up and convinces him that segregation isn't a thing in other parts of the country and that he should play with everyone.

I'm kidding, guys. This boy is straight from central casting. This moment was completely staged by producers. He's really crying, because his agents told him he booked a pilot, but he really just booked a role on The Bachelor.

After hanging out with the kids, Ben takes Lauren back to his place. They address the whole cunty rumor and I'm not really sure how it got resolved, because I was too busy brainstorming ideas for a  Zika virus vaccine. Lauren B gets to hang out with a bunch of Ben's (white) friends and she decides at the end of the date that she's in love with Ben... from Warsaw, Indiana. Not to be confused with Ben from Portland, Oregon or Ben from Orlando, Florida.

Now, I didn't keep count, but this episode CUTS TO the remaining ladies (AKA Sister wives) hanging out and talking about Ben at least ten times. It's ridiculous. We get it. This is hard. It's real now. You have strong feelings for Ben. It sucks to see him dating other women. Ladies, no one likes a complainer. You could have all stayed home and used Tinder, but instead you decided to quit your jobs and leave your children at a chance of becoming the next Bachelorette. Grow a pair and stop whining! Cause do you know what else is hard? Leaving your war torn country and trying to sail to Greece in a tiny boat full of fellow Syrian refugees. #perspective.

Anyway, the date card arrives and Jojo (AKA my girl crush) gets the next one on one date. She'll be going to the windy city. The women all assume this means Chicago, except for Emily who points out it's pretty windy in Warsaw.

It's Chicago.

Which according to Google maps is more than two hours away from Warsaw. Ben greets Jojo as she gets out of her car and she gives him a jaddle (the jump and straddle hug variety). Ben knows how much Jojo loves digital signs so he takes her to Wrigley Field where a sign basically says "Hi, Ben and Jojo." I'm going to challenge myself by writing about this ENTIRE date in two lines:

Ben loves Wrigley Field. They play baseball. They eat dinner on the field even though it's freezing cold. Jojo tells Ben she's scared, but she doesn't want him to pull way from her. THE END.

Back at the lake house, Lauren B needs to do something about her roots and Emily (the evil twin) learns she'll be getting a one on one date with Ben. She's so happy, she bursts into tears.
This also means that Sexy Baby Voice, Ms. Robot, and virgin American are on the group date together. Virgin American (who also goes by the name of Becca) keeps saying that this experience on The Bachelor is REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY DIFFERENT from the last time she came on the show.  So... she almost got engaged to Farmer Chris when she clearly thought he was a disgusting creep and had zero feelings for him. Which is proof positive that she was just hoping she'd get to be the first virgin bachelorette. CUT TO:

Group date time. Bad Mommy, Bad Robot, and Bad Virgin meet up with Ben to go on a canoe ride. Except Caila gets to ride in a canoe with Ben, and Amanda and Becca are stuck on a boat together. Clearly, Ben was told to be extra careful that Caila doesn't get wet, because all of her circuits will go nuts and she'll have to go back to the factory for repairs. Becca basically starts to unravel on this date and I kinda feel sorry for her. She's like the kid who graduated high school, but comes back and hangs out in the parking lot all the time, because she has nothing better to do. And she's still not getting any ass. Poor Becca can't take a hint, but she asks Ben not to blindside her if he doesn't think they have a future together.

Becca's day goes from bad to worse when Ben tells them there's a rose on the date and whoever receives it gets to continue the night with him, while the other ladies go home. In a very confusing move, Ben gives the rose to Sexy Baby Voice. I guess this is his way of saying it's important to him to meet her children. I won't question why a twenty-six year old dude would ever consider being a stepdad to two toddlers, because we've already established he just wants sexy time with Amanda. And I know this might be controversial to some-- but Amanda is a terrible mother. Her children are three and two and she's totally okay with leaving them for SEVEN weeks to go on a terrible reality TV show? What? It's not like she's been single and lonely for a long time. She got separated a little over a year ago. I will never understand this. I'm going on a trip next week for three days and I'm wracked with guilt that I decided not to take my dog with me. Don't marry her Ben. She'll make you take care of those kids!

Anyway, Becca and Caila are both devastated that they didn't get the rose. Becca bursts into tears in front of the other sister-wives and they all console her. Caila's really sad, too. She's sad, because Ben has such a great community in Warsaw that loves him and she doesn't have a community. And what if Ben only wants to date a girl with a community? These are totally valid concerns. If I was a robot, I would feel the same way too. But don't feel too bad, Caila. Think of Jubilee. Her entire family died. Join your local YMCA and maybe you'll feel like you have a community.

Both these girls need to chill the fuck out though, because guess where Ben takes Sexy Baby Voice? To McDonald's. I'm serious. Because that's exactly where a mom away from her kids wants to go. I would literally throw a fit, rip off my mic, and leave the show if a guy told me we were going to work the drive-thru of Warsaw's local Mickey D's. Yes, I'm sure ABC got a ton of cash money for this commercial, but they're owned by the very lucrative Walt Disney Company. Do they have no shame? I'm also pretty sure this McDonald's has an underground tunnel where all the town's heroin comes through.
Amanda eats her first french fry.
After their shift at McDonald's is over, Ben and Amanda turn the corner and walk straight into a giant carnival that's been erected in their honor. Amanda says: I feel like I would have been so happy just coming home from McDonald's." RIGHT- when was the last time anyone said that after a date? (Full disclosure... McDonald's features prominently in my upcoming YA novel. Don't believe me? You can order an advanced copy here.)

Even Warsaw's mayor greets them at the carnival (I SO wish it was Mayor Walter Gunderson from Parks & Rec)
Seriously though, this mayor has a major heroin problem on his hands. Why is he hanging out at this carnival? I demand a recall! Side note, I hate carnivals.

At long last, it's time for Emily's one on one date. Ben picks her up on a boat and she learns he's going to take her to his mom and dad's house (again, another date from hell). Emily literally points at swans in the lake and says "don't laugh, but are those swans?" WTF, YOU DUMB BITCH. HOW ARE YOU UNCERTAIN ABOUT WHAT SWANS LOOK LIKE-- is not how Ben responds, but he was definitely thinking it.
these are swans
Back at the house, the ladies are certain Emily will get to meet Ben's parents, but they're a bit skeptical about their relationship. Caila calls her a bright-eyed puppy. I repeat: CAILA. CALLS. EMILY. A. BRIGHT-EYED. PUPPY. You know it's fucking bad when grown-up Dora the Explorer tells you you're a bright-eyed puppy. And the ladies are right. Emily does meet Ben's parents and it goes... horribly. And I'm not surprised, because Emily got a fake ID to be on this show and she's actually twelve years old. She acts like a complete maniac around Ben's mom. This is basically what she reminds me of:
When Ben's dad asks her about her likes and dislikes, she says "I love watching movies all day long. That would be my favorite thing. I don't like vegetables." According to the show, she's twenty-three, and that is very young, but I was not this much of an idiot at twenty-three. I was paying my own rent in New York City and working as an assistant to a high-powered executive. And I knew what swans were. She's a tween!

And that's basically what Ben's mom tells him when she *sobs* about how young Emily is. She's concerned. She doesn't want her only son to go to jail for statutory rape. Meanwhile, Emily tells us over and over again that she's genuinely happy. But all of that's short-lived, because when Ben drops her off at the lake house, he says he can't see her being his wife and breaks-up with her. This show needs to change its name to "Insensitive Ways to Break-up with Women." I would have a mental breakdown if a guy introduced me to his parents and then immediately dumped me. Luckily, Emily has her sister-wives there to console her. They literally hold Emily in their arms as she sobs like the brokenhearted teenager that she is. Silver lining: she will totally make it home in time for 8th grade graduation.

Rose ceremony time. Ben needs some bro time with Chris Harrison, because he doesn't know what to do. We listen to him talk about how confused he is, etc etc. Harrison does his best to pretend he cares, even though he's got a bag of white china waiting for him back at his hotel room. Ben ends the conversation by saying: There's one girl who hasn't made it to the level of my other relationships. UM, so you weren't confused at all? Why did we sit through the fake drama of this conversation?

In the end, Cindy Lou, Jojo, Cute Robot, and Sexy Baby Voice make up the show's final four and Becca gets sent home. Ben will not meet her family. She's understandably upset. After all, she just told Ben not to blindside her. She asks him why he did that and he tells her it's because she's a virgin and there's only three fantasy suite dates and he'd really like to get laid in all of them. Fine, that's not what he says, but it's exactly what he was thinking. This may not be the last we've seen of Becca, because previews for the finale show Ben having a sudden change of heart about someone he sent home. Maybe it's all an editing trick, but perhaps after he gets his dick properly wet, he'll ask for her to return.... we'll find out in three more episodes!

More importantly, in the preview for next week, we meet Jojo's brothers and one of them looks like this:
I considered starting a campaign to make him the 21st white bachelor, but then I did some research. His name is Ben Patton and he was already on the terrible reality dating show Ready for Love. Personally, I think this just means he has the proper experience to be the next white bachelor.  I mean, how can we resist a man in a shawl collar sweater? That shit is my kryptonite.

3 comments:

  1. Hilarious! and true!

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  2. i live for these. the caila stuff made me die laughing.

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  3. Lol! Awesome recap as always. Idk how you still manage to make these so entertaining without lace and olivia level crazies on the show.

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