Tuesday, February 23, 2016

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 8

The episode opens with a pensive Ben hanging out on the beach, contemplating which three of his four vaginas he'd like to keep around for the fantasy suite dates. It really all depends on how the hometown dates go. No, that's a lie. Hometown dates actually don't matter at all. Because Ben's not going to let a foreign mom or a couple of overbearing brothers get between him and slice of poontang pie. At this point, it doesn't matter if Lauren B takes him to meet ma and pa at the Avery salvage yard or if Jojo's dad turns out to be Jerry Sandusky or if Amanda's daughters are conjoined evil twins or if Caila has a sister who looks like this:

If Ben's already decided he wants to fuck you, then he is going to fuck you.

BUT, ABC still insists that we sit through four hometown dates. Beginning with Amanda (AKA Sexy Baby Voice) in Laguna Beach, CA. Allow me to give you some perspective RE: Amanda's age. She's twenty-five, which means she was in 7th grade when the popular reality TV show Laguna Beach first aired. She was TWELVE. She's basically still a fetus. She also dresses like she still shops at Wet Seal or Forever 21 Kids. What's going on with her top?? Are the sleeves actually connected to that shirt? Did she raid Elvira's closet? Are those shorts or underwear? I'm so confused.

Amanda has some solo time with Ben on the beach before letting him know that her two daughters will be meeting them. Buzz kill. Turns out, Amanda hasn't had a chance to see her girls yet. Um, how long has she been in Laguna? I don't understand why someone would agree to an on-camera reunion with their children after not seeing them for nearly two months, but I'm also not desperate for fame and attention and a shot at being the next Bachelorette--- you do you, Amanda.

When Ben Gay asks Sexy Baby Voice what he should do when he meets her kids, she actually tells him they really love getting chased. Hmmm. I'm not sure it's such a good idea to have a grown man, that your toddlers have never met, chase them around the beach. But who am I to tell people how to parent their children?

At one point, Amanda gets interviewed about how much she misses her kids and fully fake cries on camera. She even has to cover her face, because her tears are invisible. And yet how can we be sure that she isn't just getting emotional, because she hates being a mother and doesn't want to see her children ever again?
This is what it looks like when Amanda cries.
Fine. It's kind of sweet when Amanda's daughters show up and she runs up to hug them. The camera actually cuts to Ben as he pretends to tear up. It's all very fake and contrived and it only gets worse when I realize that Amanda's children are wearing knee-high gladiator sandals.
Gladiator sandals have to be a form of child abuse, right? Like, I'm almost positive child protective services was called by the producers after this date. I mean, I was just looking at a pair of gladiator sandals at my local DSW, thinking: I don't understand this trend. Why does the world need uncomfortable sandals? But I digress...

Ben proceeds to help the girls chase seagulls around the beach, proving that he's totally ready to be a father a well paid manny. They leave the beach to head to Amanda's house, but the car ride gets a little cray cray when Charlie cries the whole time. I'd be crying too if my mom abandoned me for a reality TV show and is now forcing me to hang out with a strange man, who's not my dad, on the beach on a cold day in front of a camera crew.  Fight the good fight, little Charlie!

Sexy Baby Voice's family is perfectly nice and harmless and strangely enough, they all have normal speaking voices. They're all concerned about this process and though they like Ben, they're not sure he's ready to be an instant-dad. Especially because he's got the maturity of a tadpole and also because Amanda's ex wasn't the most available father. Wait, is everyone on crack here? I don't think Amanda's allowed to talk about her ex being an unavailable dad when she left her adorable children for two months to be on The Bachelor (for no money and none of that sweet sweet D, but more on that later).

Anyway, Amanda's parents basically warn Ben that if he decides to marry Amanda and become a step-dad, his life is going to be horrible. The evening ends with Bad Mom and Stranger Danger reading a very weird bedtime story to her daughters about how they met on a terrible reality TV show. Hope these adorable little girls have a piggy bank, because their therapy bills are going to be super expensive. Ben can't wait to get the fuck out of here, because he gets to go to...

Portland, Oregon to meet Lauren B's family. At this point, I think it's pretty obvious that she's our frontrunner. Ben's face lights up when he sees her. They seem ridiculously into each other. And even though I'm pretty sure Lauren B's face is claymation, I will give her extra points for not making any poor fashion choices all season. I'm really digging the flannel/leather jacket combo. I also like the fact that she's from a very homogeneous city like Portland, Oregon because a girl like Lauren B needs to stay true to her white privilege background.

After they make out, Cindy Lou takes Ben on a tour of Whoville Portland where they eat delicious looking cheesy bread and grilled cheese sandwiches. All I can think the whole time is-- poor Cindy Lou. Eating copious amounts of dairy on a date? Think of all the farts she had to try SO hard to hold in all night. She takes Ben to a gorgeous whiskey bar, and I have really no idea what they talked about, because when these two speak to each other, imma like:
I do catch the part where Lauren B says in her interview that she really wants to tell Ben she loves him, but her family's approval means the world to her and she wants them to meet Ben first.

If Lauren B is from Whoville, then her family is totally from Pleasantville. They could not be more cookie cutter, and I kind of love them. I bet their house smells like cinnamon and pumpkin and repressed desires. Of all the families, it seems like Ben would fit in perfectly with the B family, especially since no foreigners live with them. Also, they have an 18 year old dog, so what's not to love about them?

During dinner, Cindy Lou's sister takes Ben aside to give him the third degree. She goes on and on about how great her sister is (side note: whenever a contestant is described as having great values on this show it means they're super religious.) But what she really wants to know is what makes Lauren B stand out from the other remaining girls. In a surprising move, Ben does not say "dat ass." In fact, he can't list ONE specific thing he loves about Lauren. Instead, he just says he can't put it in words and starts to kind of cry, which is all Lauren B's sister needs to see, because all women turn into a puddle of mush at the sight of a man crying.

Later, Cindy Lou tells her sister that she's 100% in love with Ben. He's her person. And then she cries. I'm a little skeptical though. Portland is one of the most liberal towns in America. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that Warsaw, Indiana is conservative leaning. Unless the B family is in the minority, could Lauren's person really be a gun-toting, pro-lifer, who maybe sides with this woman:
It's possible. Or it's possible that Lauren B is keeping her eye on the real prize: BACHELORETTE. Cause after her dad gives her very sound advice and expresses some of his concerns about this process, Cindy Lou decides not to tell Ben that she's in love with him. Ben finally leaves and Lauren's finally free to let out all her farts.


Next, Ben flies to Hudson, Ohio to meet Beep Boop Beep Beep Bop's family (Or Caila, depending on what you guys like to call her). Caila's still feeling super insecure about the fact that she has no community and tells Ben that he hopes he's cool with that. I'm not really sure what this means or what she's so worried about. Does she want to manage his expectations and make sure he knows the mayor of Hudson won't be throwing a parade in her honor? Does she have no friends? Is there not a Facebook group of robots she can join?

If Caila didn't already seem like an asexual she-bot, she decides to take Ben to her dad's toy company. I guess she loves this place, because it brings back memories to when she was an animatronic doll that lived in the It's a Small World ride.
Caila's community
Caila and Ben get to design their own toy house, and then a very giddy Caila tells Ben they're going to head down to the factory and make their toy house. Ben's face lights up, but here's how he's feeling on the inside:
Personally, I think this is a brave move on Caila's part to take him down to the factory where she was assembled. They make their piece of shit, plastic, toy house and then Caila takes Ben to meet her family. The mystery of her ambiguous ethnic background is finally solved when we discover that Caila's mom is Filipino-- making Caila half-filipino, half-robot. I kind of love Caila's slight and petite white father, because as soon as they sit down for dinner, he asks Ben what it's like to deal with "microwave fame." Holy shit, this guy is my hero. He should write these recaps. He basically just asked Ben what it's like to be famous for doing nothing. Ben says that it's actually pretty exhausting.

Right. You know what else is exhausting Ben? Being a coal miner, or a high school teacher, or a heart surgeon. Also, watching you. Watching you is exhausting.
you can never overuse a kitten gif
Caila's foreign mother tells Ben that her daughter has very high standards when it comes to men, and that she can't find someone who will meet her equivalent. Yeah, cause she has artificial intelligence. Who can compete with that?
Caila's ex-boyfriend
Meanwhile, Caila tells her parents that Ben is it for her and that she's in love with him. Caila's father is clearly shocked, because he didn't program any of his robots to have emotions. Caila's mom tells her to run after Ben and jump on him. Listen, lady-- I don't know how they do it in the Philippines, but I like where you're going with this. In the end, Caila pussies out and does not admit her true feelings to Ben. CUT TO:

Dallas, Texas. Jojo waits for Ben to arrive at her house and discovers a dozen roses at her door. She assumes they're from Ben, but mid-way through the card, she realizes they're actually from her ex-boyfriend Chad. She gets really upset and starts crying and I don't blame her, because the producers totally made this happen! No one talks to Chad from Jojo's family. He fucked her over and broke her heart. Also, theoretically, she's been back in Dallas for at least a few days. He just happened to send flowers on the same day Ben was coming by? Those producers are some shady motherfuckers. Jojo gets on the phone with Chad, tells him it's over, then starts crying when Ben arrives. (side note, it's clearly SO not over between Jojo and Chad). When she tells Ben about the roses from her ex-boyfriend, he looks super pissed. Is this Chad guy really going to get in the way of Ben tapping that ass in a fantasy suite??

But Jojo tells Ben that she told Chad she's never been happier. Right. Cause what could be better than dating a guy who has three other girlfriends. Ben's relieved, but the plot thickens when he meets Jojo's family. I nearly fall off the couch when I discover that Jojo's mom is #1 named Soraya, #2 has an accent that makes her sound like she's got a perpetual headache, #3 has had some bad plastic surgery. Could it be true?? Could Jojo's mom be Iranian?? Could Jojo be half-Iranian? It is true! Is this why she's been my favorite this whole time?? (Editor's note: I'm Iranian).

This also means that Jojo + Caila = one whole minority in the top four! Furthermore, Jojo's hot brother is also half-Iranian. From here on out, I will refer to him as Hot Ben and Ben Higgins as Ugly Ben.

One of the best parts of Jojo's hometown date is that her brothers want to fucking murder Ugly Ben. They hate him. They think he's brainwashing their sister. Persian older brothers are no fucking joke. They also might be slightly in love with Jojo, but she is super pretty so who can blame them? Regardless, I do like that Hot Ben points out she's only been on two dates with Ugly Ben. Hot Ben doesn't want his sister to put the douche on a pedestal. He wants her to remember how great she is. I really hope that Jojo becomes the first half-Persian bachelorette, because it'll be so fun to watch an episode where all the male contestants get grilled by her brothers.

And while I agree with all of their points, Jojo never points out that Hot Ben was also on a reality dating show supposedly looking for love. #hypocrite All of that said, I think we can all agree that Ugly Ben is totally going to get his ass kicked by these guys when he arrives at his hotel room.

But my favorite part of the hometown date wasn't Hot Ben, it was Soraya. How funny was it when she and Jojo get alone time and Soraya's super happy for her daughter until Jojo reminds her that there are still three other girls on the show. Jojo's mom (super confused): Oh. Let's think about this for a minute. Soraya escaped an Islamic revolution in Iran to give her daughter a better life and now her daughter is in a relationship with a man who has three other girlfriends. Do we all see the irony in that? 

Soraya's basically the star of the episode, because this:
Persian moms are the best
And then this:
Persian moms for the win.
In a somewhat surprising move, Amanda (Sexy Baby Voice) does not get a rose and gets sent home. I really thought Ben was putting up with those adorable brats to get Amanda naked. Maybe he thought  she would poke holes in the condom or maybe he was really scared of what Amanda's bedroom baby voice would sound like. Who knows. Amanda tells him that he should have had the courtesy of dumping her during her hometown and not making her come all the way to LA for a rose ceremony. Disagree. First off, Laguna Beach is like 90 miles away-- you did not fly across the country for this shit. Second, Amanda had the first hometown date. He needed to meet the other families before making an informed decision. Third, he would like such a cocksucker if he dumped her right after meeting her children. I'm team Ben on this one.

Amanda cries in the limo, because... she didn't even get laid and now she has to go back to being a mom again. Sucks. Until next week when Ben has sex with three women in the Bahamas! Yay!

2 comments:

  1. What about the fact that robot girl's dad is loaded? And that she went to a crazy boarding school where they have to wear uniforms and have Saturday classes (more proof she is a robot).

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  2. this is my favourite review so far. but why have you still not started the movement to bring Sam back? use your power for good, The Blowoff.

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