Wednesday, March 2, 2016

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

This week's two hour commercial for Sandals Hotels & Resorts was a real doozy. Ben arrives in Jamaica feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to FINALLY get laid. Do you guys think he has severe performance anxiety at this point? How much of a buzz kill would it be if he had chardonnay dick on an overnight date? Hopefully, Chris Harrison slipped him some fine Jamaican Viagra to make sure he doesn't have any awkward moments in the fantasy suites. I think we can all agree that Chris Harrison has never had any issues with erectile dysfunction.
The show (via Ben's voice over) gives us a recap of Ben's three sister-wives from the moment they arrived on the show. There's Caila-- the perky animatronic robot. There's Lauren B-- quite possibly the only person on earth who's more vanilla than Ben. And then there's Jojo-- who famously arrived with a unicorn mask over her head. What's not to love about her?
my favorite from day one.
Meanwhile, back at their hotels, the remaining three contestants contemplate the meaning of life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and how to get rid of any in-grown hairs before they have to get naked in front of Ben. Caila pensively stares off into the ocean. Lauren B sips her coffee, while wearing a silk robe. Jojo wears a silk robe and... I'm gonna say stands on a balcony? I can't remember, but let's just go with that. The recurring theme in this episode is that the women are confident in what they have with Ben, but they don't know how his relationships are progressing with his other girlfriends. So basically, just your run-of-the-mill normal dating problems.

The stakes feel especially high this week, because it's the fantasy suites episode. Okay, let's be honest for one minute. This is NOT the fantasy suite episode. This is the "Fuck Me Good or I Won't Want to Marry You" episode. These ladies better bring their A-game. We're talking, anal lube, zero gag-reflex, the ability to say the word "cock" without it sounding forced, and vaginas that smell like vanilla beans. There is no room for error. Is is weird that I actually wonder about their waxing rituals? Like, how does one decide if they should go with a conservative bikini wax, a full-on Brazilian, or a landing strip? How can you consider marrying a guy when you don't even know his pubic hair preferences??? You can't. You just can't.

Fuck Suite Date #1
Ben's first date is Caila. That means she will be the first vagina he enters. I think that's a good call on his part. She definitely seems the least likely of the group to have genital warts. She's also a robot, and I don't think they can contract sexually transmitted diseases. In a shocking move, Ben says his relationship with Caila is the deepest. I'm sorry, WHAT? How is that possible? All she does is giggle and tilt her head to the side.

Anyway, Caila shows up to the date wearing cut off shorts (cause in the bachelor universe, pants simply do not exist) and a decorative sports bra. They take a raft ride in the beautiful, murky, Jamaican waters. The whole sequence is excruciatingly uncomfortable. They hardly speak and when they do it's nonsense. Even the stoned Rastafarian rowing their raft is like: OMG, this is SO awkward. MAKE IT STOP. But I don't blame Caila for shutting down. I don't know if anyone else realized it, but this date clearly brought back memories of her old home: Disneyland Parks & Resorts. How can we expect Caila to carry on a normal conversation with Ben when she's flooded with memories of the night she turned human, escaped the Small World ride, and had to brave the dangerous waters of the Jungle Cruise to make her way to freedom? She's basically a refugee.

In all seriousness, the way Ben responds to Caila's attempts to make conversation and the way he absently rubs her shoulders are two surefire signs that a guy has no interest in you.

After the awkward raft ride, Boring Ben and Caila dine on jerk chicken and continue to talk about nothing. Ben confesses during his interview that "if Caila's too much in her head, I think it will effect our relationship. It'll change everything." Translation: "If that fucking bitch doesn't start having some fun and acting like I'm the best thing that ever happened to her, we're going to have a problem."

Luckily, between the daytime and nighttime portion of their date, Caila's visited by a team of robotic engineers and they recalibrate her kinematic sensors to be less "wet blanket" and more "put your penis in my mouth." During dinner, Caila tells Ben that she's in love with him, they make out, and we're subjected to close-up shots of tongues touching. He reads her the fantasy suite date card from Chris Harrison, and she thinks they should take advantage of it. They make out in the ocean, while fireworks go off. CUT TO:

The fuck suite! They make out on the bed with their bathing suits on. At first, I'm like: take off those wet bottoms, Caila. You'll get a yeast infection. And then I'm like: robots can't get yeast infections, silly!

Okay, the morning after with Caila and Ben is ridiculous. Did she wake up, sneak out of bed, hail a pedicab to the nearest dry bar, and get a blow out and lash extensions? She looks perfect. Even Beyonce doesn't wake up like this. What kind of sex did these two have last night? Did she just lie perfectly still the whole time? Here's what my hair would look like:
Reno, NV. cirqa 2008. Pre-blow dry.
Ben and Beep-beep-boop-boop-Beep say their goodbyes, she waves at him from a balcony, and ponders the fact that he's going to have sex with two other women.

Fuck suite date #2
Every time Ben is reunited with Cindy Lou, his face lights up. He has got it bad for svelte Abigail Breslin. These two are super into each other. I want them to get married, move to Indiana, and have children who grow up to be heroin junkies-- just to add a little variety to their otherwise dull life together.

Lauren B's pretty and seems perfectly nice, BUT why did I not notice how awful her voice was until this episode? I guess I was distracted by Sexy Baby Voice, but now that she's off my TV screen, I realize that Lauren B is first runner-up for most annoying voice ever. It's vocal fry + perpetual whininess. It's everything Lake Bell imitates so well. It's nearly as bad as that Jeopardy contestant.

Lauren B is also so void of personality that this is how she describes Jamaica: "There's something about the water and sunshine."

All of that aside, Ben Brady and Cindy Lou have the best date in bachelor history. They get to release sea turtles! This four minute sequence made the last 25 hours I've wasted of my life on this show totally worth it. They take a boat to the beach where they're greeted by Mel (I love Mel. I want him to be the next Bachelor). They dig up the baby turtles and they're freaking adorable. I do wish this episode came with a trigger warning, because this brings me back to thoughts of my childhood pet turtle. Her name was Dimples. I sucked at taking care of her, so my parents gave Dimples to my sister and she changed her name to Archie. Nine was a really hard age, you guys.

We also learn during this scene that Lauren can't do math. Sea turtles can live up to a 100 years and she says: "Shoot. I hope my relationship with Ben lasts that long." I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and say I don't think Ben and Lauren B will still be together when they're 125 years old. Before they release the sea turtles into the world, Ben says a prayer to the big guy in the sky and they both say "Amen." Actually, Lauren B says "Amen to that" which is what I feel like people say when they're not really religious.

Meanwhile, I'm so super pissed at God.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't exist anyway, but if he does--  I feel like he should stop focusing on Lauren B and Ben and the bachelor, and start doing something about the fact that Donald Trump might be our next president. Also, he better not fucking let any of those sea turtles die!

The daytime portion of the date ends with Cindy Lou and Ben basically saying they're too good for each other. They make out in the ocean, and through the magic of visual effects, there's a double rainbow in the sky.

That night, they go to a fun Jamaican club where a band coincidentally sings the lyrics "I'm in love with you" over and over and over again. Ben surprises Cindy Lou with a card from Chris Harrison and she gladly accepts the invite. Once they arrive at the fantasy suite, Lauren tells him that he's the man of her dreams, and that she's completely in love with him.

AND THEN, BEN SAYS: "I've known I'm in love with you for awhile as well."
Mind. Blown. For the last twenty seasons, we've all been trained to think the Bachelor isn't allowed to tell anyone on the show he loves them until the very end. It's like, in their contracts. He can't even say "I love you" to his own mother. But before you start to praise Ben for being a rule-breaker, let's be clear. This was carefully orchestrated by producers. They knew this was going to happen. In fact, they probably insisted on it. And it's going to make Ben look like the world's biggest douchebag. But we'll get to that later. For now, Lauren B is over the moon and they proceed to hump. CUT TO:

The morning after, where we get a gratuitous close-up of Cindy Lou's dress on the ground. She says that it feels so warm and fuzzy waking up to Ben. I don't think in my thirty-five years of living, I've ever described anything as warm and fuzzy. And then Lauren reminds us that this show is completely bonkers when she says-- "It feels like I'm waking up next to my boyfriend and hopefully in a few days I'll be waking up next to my fiance."Right, because they're only technically boyfriend/girlfriend for like a night.

Fuck Suite Date #3
In the words of Vanessa Williams-- Ben went and saved the best (body) for last. Seriously though, guys. That song is totally underrated. Just listen to it while you read the rest of this recap:
Jojo knows she's made it to the playoffs, but if she wants to win this thing, she's gonna have to bring her boob game. Especially since her brothers made it clear they're gonna cut off Ben's penis, slice it in half, and wear it around their necks as a badge of honor. Jojo's right to be concerned. Lauren B's family was straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting. Jojo's family was straight out of a bad Shahs of Sunset episode. I love me my Persians, but I don't think Ben would last two minutes in that family. So, Jojo's going to spend the day convincing Ben that there's no Cersei/Jamie Lannister shit going on between her siblings.

I love Jojo, because she seems the most down to earth and normal on camera. And she seems comfortable around Ben. Their date includes all of the bachelor essentials: a helicopter, a waterfall, and a make out session in a body of water. Jojo tries to explain to Ben that her brothers are just very protective of her, but he's too distracted by her perfect hour glass figure to discuss the issue much further.

Jojo tells him she loves him and Ben says.... "I love you, too." She's clearly stunned, because she knows how the rules work. But yes, she did hear him right and she's shitting rainbows cause she's so happy. This is all kinds of fucked up. I don't think either Jojo or Lauren B thinks he's saying "i love you" to anyone else. It's only making them more confident, which will only make it more shocking when one of them (Jojo) gets dumped. Ben, you really fucked yourself on that whole "most popular bachelor ever" title.

During the nighttime portion of their date, Jojo says she feels safe now and more secure. She has zero doubts that Ben will be her husband someday. She accepts the fuck suite invite, and the rest is history. Their morning after feels relaxed and comfortable, but Ben seems a little more anxious to leave. It's pretty obvious his heart is still with Lauren B.

Since this episode lacked any semblance of drama, the producers (who already know Ben was going to dump Caila) decide it would be a good idea to have Caila (wearing another decorative sports bra) surprise him at his hotel room. She's practically bouncing off the walls when she arrives-- meanwhile, Ben's voice over tells us that he's going to dump her ass, because he doesn't love her. It's like watching a car accident in slow motion. There's scene after scene of Caila wandering around his hotel, looking for him. Um, the fucking camera guys know he's right outside. Why can't they just tell her?

It gets worse. When she finally finds him, she does the old "stand behind him and cover his eyes"  maneuver-- more widely known as the "guess who?" Seriously, why do people ever do this? It's so uncomfortable. It's like--- what if you guess wrong and the person gets offended? What if it's my husband and I'm like: Chris Harrison?!?!

Caila's here, because she knows there's been two other fucks since they boned, and she wants to remind him of her pretty face and taut vadge. But she's too late. Ben's already told two other girls that he loves them. He tells Caila that he's not able to return her feelings. He actually says that when Lauren B and Jojo expressed how they felt about him, he was able to reciprocate. At no point does Caila say: Wait. Hold up. You told both of them you love them?

This has to be the most painful break-up. Ben's basically saying "Thanks for the sex, but I don't ever want to do that again."

In the quick two minute sequence, Caila goes through all the stages of a break up. She starts with the whole "let's just make this quick, I don't need to hear it." She steps into the SUV, and then goes straight to "Oh HELL NO" mode, and hurries out to ask Ben more questions. I was REALLY hoping she would lose her shit and berate him for dumping her after they had sex, but she's predictably polite about the whole thing. Just more proof that she's a robot. Once the SUV drives away, Caila starts sobbing (but no tears come out, cause robot). I want to feel bad for Caila, but she's half-Asian, so I know there's about a million guys in Ohio alone who want to date her. She's going to be just fine. Here's proof. Caila back at work:
If she's the Bachelorette though, I will murder EVERYONE.

Rose ceremony time. Jojo and Lauren B arrive to have their own post-mortems with Chris Harrison. God Bless that man. How does he manage to keep a straight face when they both tell him that Ben said "I love you"? Here's how Chris Harrison is feeling on the inside:
As the sister-wives wait for Caila to arrive, Jojo asks Cindy Lou if she feels more anxious now. And Lauren B's gives a vague answer that's basically like: "Um, no I'm not anxious. He said he loves me." Ben Gay arrives and announces that he sent Caila home. AND YET, we still have to sit through him asking each of the remaining women if they will accept a rose. Dude, they accepted your penis in the back of their throat. I'm pretty sure they're gonna take a rose.

Jojo makes a champagne toast to falling in love (which totally throws Lauren B for a loop) and then this happens:
Holy polygamists. Why is this okay??? I am so disgusted. The previews for the finale show Ben super torn up about letting one of the ladies go. I'm pretty sure that just means he's not willing to accept the idea of never touching Jojo's boobs again. But here's hoping he gets engaged to boring Lauren B and Jojo gets to be the next bachelorette!

In closing, I'd like to redeem myself by leaving you with a photo of me post blow-out and typing up this recap:


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. When he dumps JoJo I guarantee her brothers take a hit out on Ben Gay. This chump has no idea what love is. He's just feeling the pressure from growing up in a Mid-West town where all his friends married at 20 and have children. JoJo is too good for him. I'm curious as to what happened with Chad??? It was never addressed.