Tuesday, March 15, 2016

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Season Finale

The two hours of utter and complete torture begins with Ben contemplating his remaining two vaginas. How can he propose to one vagina, when he also loves the other one? He’s terrified. He’s just not ready to say good-bye. I feel for Ben. I really do. If this was real life, then he could secretly have sex with both of these girls for an indefinite period of time. But because this is TV, and because Us Weekly would totally blow up his spot, he has to make a decision, stat. 

Meanwhile, Cindy Lou and Jojo separately hang out in their denim cut-offs and admit that they both feel really good about their relationship with Ben. If either of them gets a book deal out of this, they should name their memoir “Extremely Short and Incredibly Tight… jean shorts.” I literally have yeast infection PTSD, because every time I see these girls in those super tight shorts, I have flashbacks of Monistat 7 and burning crotch itch. I’ve seen things, guys. Things I can’t speak about.

Anyway. The true star of this episode isn’t Ben, it’s not Lauren B, it’s not Jojo. It’s not even Chris Harrison. It’s Ben’s mom. I don’t know what her name is, but I love her. When ma and pa Higgins arrive to meet their future sister-wives in law, Ben’s mom says that she finds it very disturbing that her son is in love with two women. I feel you, boo. It is disturbing. But mostly because Ben is an all-around mediocre person who sells software in a flyover state and is the walking definition of #WhitePrivilege. We should not live in a world where two women are pining after him.
Ben's mom = my spirit animal
Lauren B gets to meet Ben’s parents first. She’s white and they’re white, so they're like one big happy family. She tells Ben’s dad that she’s very much in love with his son. She calls Ben Gay perfect, and Ben’s mom FULLY rolls her eyes. OMG. She's the best. I love her so much that if Donald Trump named her as his running mate, I might actually consider voting for him. (and then killing him, so Ben’s mom could be the president.)

Overall, the meeting with Borin' B goes well. I don't have anything against this girl... except for the fact that she's dumb as rocks and has no personality whatsoever. I get it. She's very pretty. And sweet and pleasant. But what else do we really know about her? Give me a few specific characteristics, guys. Name one funny joke she made all season. Did she say anything other than "Ben is my person" over and over again? No, she didn't. Even Ben couldn't describe what he loved about her when Lauren B's sister asked him the same questions. If Lauren B and Jojo were beverages, Lauren B would be skim milk, and Jojo would be a glass of Dom Perignon (that her awesome Persian mom would drink right out of the bottle).

All of that said, it seems like Ben's mom likes Lauren B--  because they spend most of their  conversation gazing into each other's eyes and holding hands. Did anyone else sense serious chemistry? I kind of love them together. They're just like Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara in Carol.
After Cindy Lou's done getting eye-fucked by Ben's mom, she gets some solo time with Ben. It's during these long stretches of conversation that I find Lauren extra problematic. She's the only person I know who uses the word "like" more than I do. It takes her five minutes to get one sentence out. Don't take my word for it. Watch:

CUT TO: Girlfriend #2 (AKA Jojo) arriving to meet the Higgins family. Whenever I see Jojo, I'm reminded that normal people do exist in Bachelor nation. Okay, normal might be taking it too far, but it's no secret that I love her. If you don't believe me, here's how I described her in the very first episode:

"A girl shows up with a unicorn on her head, because Ben is her unicorn. This is cheesy as fuck, but somehow she manages to make it cute and charming and just like that... I'm in love. JoJo (AKA young Connie Britton) for the win! She's gorgeous, down to earth, and I kind of want to make out with her."

I stand by those comments. Especially since Ma and Pa Higgins take an instant shine to young Connie Britton. First, Jojo charms them by admitting she's nervous. Then, she gets into specifics about Ben's personality when she mentions that he's very hard on himself. Ben's mom lights up, because this confirms that Jojo knows her son. But Jojo really wins them over when she gets the feels talking about how much she loves Ben. By the end of it, I'm fairly certain they're #TeamJojo.

During Ben's postmortem with his parents, they claim they'd be cool with either woman as their future daughter-in-law, but point out that Jojo and Lauren are very different from each other. That's what I've been saying, guys! Surprisingly, they don't make my skim milk/champagne analogy. And when they bring up the whole "different" thing, Ben looks at them like they're speaking in tongues. I would give anything to hear his interior monologue, but I'm gonna guess it went something like this--

Ben (to himself): Wait...  Lauren and Jojo are different from each other. Lauren B's got blond hair and Jojo's got brown hair. Lauren's got dat ass, but Jojo's got dem boobs. Lauren was into anal, but Jojo was into anal beads. WHO DO I CHOOSE???

Mrs. H adds that she loved when Ben described Jojo as the person who checked on him, made him feel secure, and made sure he was okay throughout the process. This worries me. It's friend zone adjacent. Suddenly, I feel like Jojo is that ridiculously gorgeous best friend in every 80s movie that's somehow overlooked for someone less cool and interesting and complicated.
Watts and Jojo are basically the same person
I really hope that while Ben had his final dates with Lauren and Jojo, his parents got to stick around and enjoy all that Jamaica has to offer. I bet they're sexually adventurous. I bet they totally had sex in front of those weird chicken statues outside of their bungalow. If anyone sees them on Thrinder, lemme know.

A confused Ben decides he's going to pray on it. Here's how that conversation goes:
Ben: God, who do I choose?
God: Um, Jojo. Duh. 

After talking to God, Ben and Lauren B go on their last date together. And I get one last opportunity to post this kitten gif.
I can sum up the daytime portion of this date in ten words:
Short shorts.
Gross kissing.
Ben calls Lauren beautiful.

During the nighttime portion of the date,  Cindy Lou's insecurities begin to surface. She's suddenly terrified that Ben's in love with Jojo, too. You have to hand it to the girl-- when you consider her competition, she's actually relatively calm. If a guy was trying to decide whether or not he wanted to marry me or Jojo, I'd be like:
But when Lauren B and Ben speak, their conversations are meaningless. Literally. In case you guys think my perspective is skewed, and that Ben and Lauren don't in fact speak nonsense at each other-- here's verbatim what Ben said to her after she admitted she was scared.

Ben: Um, I left confused today. Um. There's so much. I was just talking earlier like and you should know this, there's so much that I never thought or could imagine happened. It's crazy.
 As the conversation progresses, it starts to sound like one of those pre-breakup talk. A pre-breakup talk is when you're 100% certain you're going to break up with someone, so you have to act distant and confused about things, so that they won't be blindsided when you break their heart into a million fucking pieces. Confused = I no longer want to fuck you. OR this is just what the editors want us to think, and they left out the part where Ben tells Lauren B he's going to ask her to marry him ASAP.

But Jojo and Ben's date is far juicier. Those two got me like:
Initially, their date starts out great. I know I'm biased, but they just seem like a real couple to me. Their rapport feels comfortable and easy. They kick things off with a Jeep ride through Jamaica, and  Ben asks Jojo to name his worst quality.

Jojo's interior monologue: Hmmmm. Well, you're boring. You have a bible passage tattooed on the side of your torso. Your facial hair grows in strange patches. Your penis is smaller than Chad's. You're basically unlovable.

But instead, she tells him that his worst quality is that he's in this situation. After their drive, they chill out at a waterfall. Jojo asks Bland Ben if he's feeling good about things and he says: UM.

Needless to say, that response leaves her uneasy. Ben tells her that he's confused. His mind is in a thousand different places. By the nighttime portion of their date, Jojo's still nervous. How could Ben be struggling with his decision so much when they're this close to the end? I would give my left boob (a tiny sacrifice) for the show's production schedule. When Jojo says they're close to the end, does that actually mean he's going to get down on one knee tomorrow? I bet it fucking does. Ben tries to reassure Jojo by telling her that he doesn't have any concerns about their relationship and he's never felt like this about anyone (spoiler alert: he gets engaged to Lauren B ten minutes later-- but we're not there yet).

Jojo drags Ben into the bathroom for a "secret" conversation. Um, has she not seen The Jinx? No one is safe talking in the bathroom! There's such thing as microphones and yellow subtitles. DO NOT remind Ben that you swallowed his cum or that you stuck your finger in his butthole! We can all hear you! Their exchange is too juicy to recap. Trust me. Watch the clip:

As much as I heart Jojo, when she says she's tired of competing with other people, imma like:
This is the stupidest fucking thing she's ever said. You're on a reality dating competition show. Saying you don't like to compete is like the equivalent of a famous actor saying he hates getting recognized all the time. Or a ballerina saying she misses food. Or a vegan saying cashew cheese gives them gas. You knew what you were getting yourself into. NOW SUCK IT UP!

The most telling part of this exchange is when Ben (exasperated) says: "Look at me, I'm sitting here on a bathroom floor with you tonight."

And that's really what it all boils down to, ladies and gentlemen. Ben doesn't want a lifetime of sitting on bathroom floors. He wants easy. And simple. And uncomplicated. Lauren B never made him feel guilty about his indecisiveness, but Jojo calls him out on it. I don't actually believe he was ever confused. I strongly believe that Ben only likes blondes and was going to choose Lauren B all along and that producers wanted to position Jojo as the next bachelorette-- but if he had literally been on the fence-- he chose the girl who rubbed his ears when he spoke nonsense at her. Not the girl who confronted him on a bathroom floor.

That said, if the bathroom floor was heated-- than totally disregard everything I just said.

CUT TO: The next day?  Two weeks later? A month? Who knows. Time doesn't exist in bachelor nation. Ben wakes up still unsure who he's going to propose to. I really wish they would show him flip a coin.

But it turns out that Neil Lane is magic. Attention whore that he is, he shows up in Jamaica to help Ben pick out a massive, ornate, and tacky engagement ring. And suddenly-- after he's told two women he's in love with them and after his mind has been in a thousand different places-- he sees an engagement ring and he knows who he's going to choose. Here's how I feel about that at this point:
Meanwhile, Jojo and Cindy Lou get ready for the final rose. Cindy Lou's evening gown game has been on point the whole season, but Jojo's dress was horrendous.
If you've seen this show enough times, you know that the first contestant to arrive at the final rose is the one who gets dumped on national television. This season, that girl is *tears* Jojo.

Wait, I'm sorry. What? I'm having trouble comprehending this. Jojo gets dumped. There's truly no hope for any of us. And the break up is TERRIBLE. In typical Bachelor fashion, Jojo spills her guts to Ben-- and he doesn't interrupt her. Once she's done pouring her heart out, Ben says "I didn't know if I could find love. I found it with you, BUT I found it with somebody else more." And then he actually has the nerve to say "I still love you."
Jojo's confused and blindsided. And when Ben starts to apologize, she cuts him off and says "it's okay." BUT IT'S NOT OKAY. For once, I'd like someone to rip into this guy. Even during the after show, everyone lets him off easy. There's no one who tells him that it was FUCKED UP to say "I love you" to two girls. There's no way Lauren B was okay with him saying the L word to Jojo repeatedly. Only in the Bachelor universe could a guy fuck two girls, dick them both around, and then be celebrated for it by women. I get it, guys. Ben is sweet and wholesome and prays on things-- but don't be fooled. He's a huge whore.

Jojo gets escorted to a limo, and Ben falls apart after she leaves. 
But he very quickly recovers and makes that mystery call we'd all been wondering about to... Lauren B's dad. He asks for Cindy Lou's hand in marriage and her dad says yes.
Cindy Lou's dad is SO happy!
Lauren arrives. Ben proposes. She says yes, and white America prevails once again.They say "you're my person, you're my person" and "I'm lucky, no I'm lucky" and "It feels good, it feels really good"over and over again.

As for the highlights of the after show... Well, everyone was very nice to Ben. His pastor awkwardly stood there for the entire hour. Ben and Lauren B turned down Chris Harrison's invitation to get married under a cheap rose awning (instead of having ABC shell out $100K to have their wedding televised). Lauren B is moving to Denver (because in Bachelor nation, men never move for a woman). Ricky Schroder was in the audience AND....

JOJO IS GOING TO BE THE BACHELORETTE! And she's not a ROBOT! She's PERSIAN! And in my book, that counts as DIVERSE.
It's been real, guys! Thanks for reading these ridiculously long recaps. Until next season...!


  1. Glad you recapped, because I was dozing off through the entire finale! So glad Jojo is bachelorette!! Caila would have been torturous to watch 😩

  2. These recaps are MY EVERRTHANG, please never stop.

  3. These recaps are MY EVERRTHANG, please never stop.

  4. Love your commentaries! my sentiments exactly regarding Jojo and Cindy Lou (what an appropriate analogy) and yes this show needs more diversity...white America def couldnt handle jubilee as bachelorette!