Wednesday, March 9, 2016

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Women Tell All

 Below are some thoughts, questions, observations, and sociological critical analyses of the Women Tell All Special.... in no particular order.

 #1 There were at least five girls on that stage I've never seen before in my life. How do the producers decide who should appear on the special? Are contestants allowed to decline an invitation? I mean, if you're going to allow a woman who had the sum total of forty-five seconds of screen time over the entire season, give her opinions on the Women Tell All-- then you might as well invite ME to sit on that panel. Personally, I kind of missed Sour Smelling Sam. Poor girl has probably been getting her vagina steamed everyday since that terrible group date. Don't worry Sam. Right now, I smell like morning breath and butts and I'm okay with it.

#2 The chicken trainer brought one of her chickens (Sheila) and it was by far the most entertaining living being on that panel. It did try to fly away several times and I don't blame it. I would want to run away too if I was trapped in a studio for twelve hours with a bunch of moderate to poorly educated females, who seem to gravitate towards unflattering cocktail dresses from the Bebe outlet. I bet for the first time in its life the chicken wished it wasn't cage-free. I bet if the chicken laid an egg, the egg would still be considered older than the Vegas twins. I bet the chicken was like, "Please dear God, someone pluck my feathers and stick me in a deep fryer, because ANYTHING is better than being exposed to every brand of eau de toilette from Sephora."
except coming on this tell all.
#3 There was a racial divide between the half-black girls (Amber and girl from Canada) and full-black girl (Jubilee). Nicely done, ABC. Way to totally deflect the fact that YOU are the true racists here. Apparently, Amber and half-black girl from Canada were offended, because Jubilee said she would be the first full-black woman to get far on The Bachelor. And other people heard her say it, so it definitely happened.
This all bodes the questions: What the fuck is going on? Is this the 1950s? Can we all acknowledge the insane fact that this conversation happened, because NO BLACK WOMEN (full, half, quarter, eighth) has ever even made it to the hometown dates?? Jubilee admitted that she says things that are inappropriate, and she apologized to Amber and half-white girl from Canada. How fucking great would it have been if she said: "But let's not get sidetracked from the real issue here. In the thirty-one seasons of this franchise, no African-American contestant has ever set foot in a fantasy suite. A fictional drama on Lifetime is going to have a black Bachelor before ABC. Why does the Walt Disney Company hate black people?"

#4 I kind of think Jubilee should get a pass, because HER ENTIRE FAMILY DIED.
 #5 Chris Harrison has a GIANT hard on for Ben Gay. And when I say giant, I mean Chris Harrison definitely has a huge cock. There were multiple times when he mentioned how much he loves Ben. He said he's going to miss busting his chops every week. He said if they had a Bachelor Mt. Rushmore, then Ben's face should be on it. He continuously called him the Most Popular Bachelor in Bachelor history. And then he told Jubilee that even though she's complicated, she should remember that a guy as wonderful as Ben cared about her. WHAT? That's like saying "Hey, super interesting female who was recently promoted to sergeant and went to Iraq-- don't feel bad about yourself because this twenty-six year old dude from Warsaw, Indiana who dumped you in the middle of the night in Mexico City thinks you're neato." Even Amy Schumer agrees with me.

Side note, I think Harrison and Ben totally Eiffle Towered a high class Jamaican call girl who probably went by the name of Reyonce at the Sandals Hotel & Resort.
#6 There's only one thing Chris Harrison loves more than Ben. Bloopers. Was it just me or was he super giddy about them? Okay, fine. I fucking loved the bloopers so much! They were my favorite part of the episode!

#7 Lace might win the award for Most Improved. She looked her personal best, and basically took responsibility for being completely bat-shit. She also admitted that she still hasn't taken the advice of her tattoo, because she doesn't love herself enough to be with anyone. During the middle of her interview with Chris Harrison, a mentally unstable man yelled that he loved her. And then in what was probably the most uncomfortable moment of the episode, he took his shirt off (dad bod), and revealed that he had a tattoo of Lace on his torso. Okay, it was more like something he'd drawn with a ballpoint pen. TMZ confirms the tattoo was fake and the guy was a producer from the show Punk'd (so, does that mean he time traveled to the set from the year 2003?) The world rejoiced when Lace finally agreed to appear on Bachelor In Paradise. I can't wait for her to bond with raccoons and hermit crabs, and to prove to America that she's not mentally incompetent!

#8 That chick Shushanna is definitely a Russian spy, right? Putin sent her to America to find out why a group of twenty-five females would fight over a guy who can't grow a beard and looks like Peter Brady. Or maybe Putin told her to infiltrate Pussy Riot, and she got confused. Who knows. If she'd listed dental hygienist as her profession, I'd maybe believe she was a real contestant, but she claims to be a mathematician. That's totally a made-up job. I wonder what Intel she'll take back to Russia. "In America-- you give blow job, they give rose."
#9 Emily and Haley are annoying as fuck. They have the maturity level of weak sperm. Also, how could Haley's mom allow her fourteen year old daughter to appear on national television sporting that much cleavage? All of that said, I can't wait to see them on Bachelor in Paradise. Hopefully ABC will be able to work around the child performer regulations and hopefully Chris Harrison can add on set tutor to his job description.

#10 There might actually be a God, because Sexy Baby Voice had a cold! Which meant her voice was raspy! Which meant blood did not gush out of my ears uncontrollably every time she spoke! She also had the best quote of the episode when she said-- "Being a mom is my jam." I don't know about you guys, but that sounds exactly like something someone would say on an episode of TEEN MOM. Also, let's be real. Being a mom is your jam-- except for when you left your toddlers for two months to appear on The Bachelor.

#11 Is this show edited by Keyser Soze?? How do these guys always manage to fool me with their magical ability to take things out of context? They totally tricked us into thinking that Sexy Baby Voice told Olivia that every woman in America died a little watching her on TV. But she actually says that to Ben RE: him playing with her daughters on the beach. And she's right. I did die a little. I died for Charlie and Kingston and the endless array of potential douchebag stepdads that will filter in and out of their lives. Guys who wear puka beads and wax their chests. Guys who get spray tans and shave their pubes, because they think it makes their dicks look bigger. Guys who have the Chinese symbol for the word "Faith"tattooed on their biceps. Guys who use words like "daddy" while fucking you doggy style. So yeah, if that's what Amanda meant about women in America dying a little, then she's right on the money.

#12 I didn't realize Leah was so pretty. Did anyone else?

#13 If we ever needed proof that this show was racist--  go back and watch how much shit the women gave full-black Jubilee and then compare it to how much less shit they gave full-white Leah for lying repeatedly and trying to sabotage Lauren B. I'm pretty sure after the taping ended, the girls all gathered in the basement of the bachelor house and put on their white hoods.
pictured: Leah, Lauren B, Lauren H, Amanda, Chicken lady, Lace, Russian Spy, Becca, Caila, Rachel, Olivia, Emily, Haley, Jennifer, Chris Harrison, ABC executive, another ABC executive
#14 My favorite tweet of the night was "Whoever did Caila's makeup really does not want her to be the next Bachelorette." Um, word. She looked awful. Her eyebrow game was unacceptable, and I got serious oompa loompa vibes from her makeup. Close-up shots really don't do her any favors. If the rumors are true and grown up Dora the Explorer is actually going to be the next Bachelorette... I don't think I'll be able to recap the show. I find her incredibly boring and offensively perky. I also think it's super fucked up that ABC is willing to make a robot the Bachelorette before they'd give the title to a person of color.

Um, guys. HOLD UP.

I just read that Aaron Rodgers little brother is going to be on The Bachelorette and I creeped on his instagram and he's so fucking hot, I may have to actually watch the show. DAMN YOU, ABC. Also, are you sitting down? He appears to show signs of having a personality!!!!
I suppose we can wait one more year for a black bachelor...
#14 Ben got off super easy. The ladies were ridiculously nice to him. They were practically grateful to him for sending them home. NO ONE gave him shit for saying "I love you" to two women. I will never understand. Is this what the state of dating and being single has come to? That a guy just has to be a solid 7 and be semi-nice for women to happily allow themselves to be degraded on national television by him? Did all of these women date rapists and pedophiles and relatives of the Trump family before coming on this show?

That said, every time they show that clip of Ben giggling about farting in the hot tub, I fall more and more in love with him.

#15 Olivia is a fucking Jedi. Hillary Clinton needs to hire her immediately to run her campaign. She's magic. How did she manage to be super cunty for the entire season and then get us to feel sorry for her in two minutes during the Tell All? Is the television show House of Cards based on her? Will she and Chris Harrison spend the evening smoking cigarettes out their window, and discussing how they plan to take over Bachelor in Paradise? Um, dare I say she handled herself perfectly? Okay, so it did help that the other women also came off looking like petty and vicious teenagers. Emily probably made a burn book that she passed around for all the girls to sign in the green room. But Olivia still did an amazing job of spinning things in her favor. She talked about being bullied as a kid, she talked about how her sister had to *gasp* takeover her social networking accounts, she genuinely apologized to the ladies for saying they don't like to talk smart stuff, she took full responsibility for the "teen mom" comment, and she wore a flattering white jumpsuit. She also pointed out how mean it was for the other contestants to make fun of her cankles, breath, and boobs. Lest we think she does not have a sense of humor, she admitted that all the mouth gifs were actually funny.
Toe-livia, teach me your ways. I want to be the Daniel son to your Mr. Miyagi. The Luke to your Yoda. The Creed to your Rocky Balboa. The narrator to your Tyler Durden. The Matt Saracen to your Coach Taylor. The Frodo to your Gandalf. Okay, fine-- you can be Frodo, because of your feet. You get it though. I love you.

#16 Sexy Baby Voice and Lauren H were wearing the exact same dress.

Okay, that's all I've got. I can't wait to find out what exactly went on in that bathroom with Ben and Jojo next week. Please tell me someone was pooping during their entire subtitled conversation. My money has been on Lauren B as the frontrunner, but now I'm not so sure. It just doesn't make sense to me that if JoJo lost, she wouldn't be the next bachelorette. But Lauren B's only spoken twice on the show-- once to tell us about her dad mowing the lawn another time to say Ben is her person, so I kind of understand why they'd choose Caila over her. All will be revealed next week!!!


  1. 1. "I bet for the first time in its life the chicken wished it wasn't cage-free." Thank you for this line.
    2. In defense of Amanda (don't judge), I think she said "being a mom is my jam" to poke fun at Toe-livia's "deep intellectual things are my jam."
    3. I don't think I could watch a season of Caila, even with these hilarious recaps.