Monday, April 18, 2016
"I am NOT this girl" & the BLOW OFF
Posted by saaara
It's the type of love that makes it hard to recognize yourself. It turns you into... THAT GIRL.
If you've been there already, you know what I'm talking about. Even Scarlett Freakin' Johansson knows what I'm talking about. She's currently on the cover of Cosmo and had this to say about hitting her relationship rock bottom:
"Long, long ago, I had someone in my life who was forever unavailable...but, like, so attractively unavailable. You have to get to your breaking point… rock bottom is the moment when you're like, 'I've lost myself. Why am I standing outside this bar at 1:30 in the morning texting while my friends are inside? Or taking a taxi to see him at some ungodly hour? This isn't me.' That is the moment you've gotta cut it off. Otherwise, it will keep coming back, suck your blood."
For the record, my money is on Josh Hartnett. He seems like the attractively unavailable type who gives zero fucks about Hollywood and dating a movie star.
But Scarjo's quote resonated with me, because before I met the H-Bomb, there were a couple of guys who turned me into a pathetic version of myself. Whether it was convincing myself to send a flirty text before I'd gotten a response to the last two I'd sent, or obsessively checking my phone while out with my girlfriends, or being a little too needy with a premature "state of the union" address. There was the guy who was so attractively unavailable that I had to drink a few glasses of wine and pop a Xanax just to get some sleep on nights he would go MIA. The anxiety was so bad once that I forced myself to throw up to settle my stomach.
And then there was the other guy who I was OVERLY accommodating and nice to. I thought to myself that he was just bringing out the best in me, and these were the things you did when you loved someone-- but the truth was--- all my niceties weren't totally selfless. They were my way of saying "SEE HOW GREAT I AM?? PLEASE LOVE ME."
Luckily, I eventually put an end to my behavior (after weeks or maybe even months and years of self-inflicted torture.) I finally told both dudes to leave me alone. Even though neither of them were interested in being my boyfriend, they still wanted me around. And that's what made both scenarios so confusing and hard to let go of (and made them so attractively unavailable). Looking back, I'd confused emotional terrorism with passion and intensity. But always the relationships that end up lasting never meander into mental breakdown territory. Cause when two people make themselves happily available to each other-- there's absolutely nothing to panic about.