Monday, May 23, 2016

the bachelorette: Early Predictions

Guys, the time is upon us. Season twelve of the Bachelorette-- featuring my girl crush Jojo Joon (Note: Joon means "dear" in Farsi. It's a term of endearment we Iranians use often. And since Jojo is half-Iranian, she's now Jojo Joon to me.) Admittedly, I'm a little annoyed that all of the KKK's ABC's PR material refers to Jojo as a Southern Sweetheart and makes no mention of her Iranian background, but I'm hoping we'll hear a few references to it on the show. At the very least, we'll get to see her mother Soraya of House Tehran drink out of a champagne bottle again.

Anyway. Here are my very early predictions for Jojo's top four, purely based on the contestant photos and bios. I don't read spoilers, because I'm not a God damn traitor to the cause.
#1 Aaron Rodger's little brother (AKA Jordan, AKA the love of my life)
Jordan lists "former pro football player" as his occupation. Here's the deal, if your occupation includes the word "former" in it, then you are unemployed. I am a former employee of Baskin Robbins, but that doesn't mean I still mention it when people ask me what I do for a living. But none of this matters, because Jordan is HOT and has a rich older brother who's a graduate of my Alma mater (go bears!) I love Jordan, because he lists "empathy" as one of his greatest attributes (which may make him the only man on earth who does. We need to put him on the endangered species list.) He also lists Princess Bride as his favorite movie and says the wildest thing he's ever done in a bedroom is mount... a TV on the wall. He's funny and gorgeous and I need him on my TV every Monday night. I will bet three gazillion bitcoins that all Chris Harrison wants in life is to wipe the smug look off Jordan's face.
#2 Ali
According to those eyebrows, Ali is definitely Iranian or of middle-eastern descent. Chances are, he's actually not going to make it past the first episode because Donald Trump. But I for one would LOVE to see the first Iranian couple on the Bachelorette. I'd also love to see Soraya meet Ali's big fat Persian family, and trade plastic surgery tips with Ali's mom. I don't have much to say about Ali except the fact that he may have a college education, because he lists Midnight in Paris and Her as his favorite movies. But he's not uptight and high (eye)brow, because he also adds Dumb and Dumber to the list. I am a bit concerned that he lists "bartender" as his occupation, because A) every self-respecting Persian man is either a Dentist or a Real Estate Broker and B) That means he's actually an aspiring actor. I am really hoping when he gets out of the limo he speaks Farsi to Jojo, and all of Middle America freaks out that he's been sent to the Bachelor house by ISIS.
#3 Chad
I predict Chad will be an early frontrunner that the other contestants will want to murder. He reminds me of every bad guy in every 80s teen movie. His name is CHAD. He says his greatest achievement is being born good looking. In a move that surprises no one who reads his bio, he also lists "confident" as one of his best attributes. BUT, Chad is also a luxury Real Estate Agent which means that he might have money. He wins ten points for making a Matthew McConaughey reference/joke in his bio, but then he subsequently loses 10,000 points for making the same reference three times. I think it's safe to say that I fucking hate Chad, and that we will definitely see him on the next installment of Bachelor in Paradise.
#4 Jake
Totally kidding, guys. Let's not forget that ABC is super racist and a black contestant has NEVER made it to the hometown dates. If you want diversity, then tune into Unreal which will be featuring a black Bachelor this season. I do feel like there's a slight chance that Jojo could pull a Kardashian and have three black men in her final four. The probability of that at this point is .00000000001% which is ten times greater than any other bachelorette they've had on the franchise. (Note: It also looks like there's an Asian contestant this season. Is he the first ever? Will he make it past the premiere??)
#5 Derek
I'm intrigued by his big nose and blue eyes. He's a commercial banker and lists Benjamin Franklin as the person he most admires, so it's possible that he didn't get his degree from DeVry or Phoenix. BUT, he lists fluffy kittens as something he's afraid of and says he'd be fine on a deserted island if it wasn't covered in cucumbers. To that I say, WTF?! For some reason, I'm getting oppressed homosexual vibes. Also, Persian people love cucumbers, so I'm not sure this would go over well with Jojo's family. But I also have a feeling Derek is going to be the sweet/sensitive type who looks good with his shirt off.
#6 Ben 
Oops, this is Jojo's brother. Does that automatically disqualify him from showing up as a contestant??

Anyway, comment below on your favorites. I'll be live-tweeting the show from the west coast... follow along at @theblowoff.

PS the best occupations this season: hipster and erectile dysfunction expert

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