Tuesday, May 24, 2016

the bachelorette: episode 1 highlights

Hi Friends, I won't have time for full 10,000 word recaps this season... but let's be honest: you don't have time to read that shit either. So, let's stick to the most important moments of the show. It's really hard for me to get past the fact that we didn't get much Chris Harrison in the two-hour episode.  Where was he?? They filmed for like fourteen hours and he had four minutes of screen time. I so wanted him to throw his name in the hat, and surprise Jojo by becoming a contestant this season. How fucking awesome would that be? Like, when the fantasy suite episode rolled around-- would it still be a note from Chris Harrison inviting Chris Harrison to the fantasy suite? Mind. Blown.


Initial thoughts on Jojo: She's still so pretty I can barely stand to look at her. And her boob game was on point in that sparkly dress. I'm not exactly sure how the bachelorette can handle 14+ hours of filming (it was light out when the rose ceremony ended). In typical girl fashion, Jojo kept saying she was SO tired, but I don't blame her. If I was the Bachelorette, I'd be like-- can I just wear my pajamas and sit on a couch the whole time and you guys can cycle the men in and out, and whoever gives the best shoulder rubs gets a rose? Also, I'm guessing she avoids cheese plates during the entirety of the night so that she's not farting all over the place. Or that production at least gives her fart breaks. I think that's why she's sitting down most of the night. To help her not fart. These thoughts aren't specific to Jojo-- it's a universal question for everyone on this show. Seriously, what do they do when they have to fart? I've literally skipped social engagements when I'm feeling bloated.

In conclusion, maybe Daaaamn Daniel got really drunk and jumped in the pool just b/c he needed a safe place to let the gas out.

Overall assessment: Jojo was either a champ or a terrible judge of character depending on your perspective (I mean, she kept the pasty guy who listed "hipster" as his profession. She didn't send home guys just b/c they got drunk. In fact, two out of the three lushes got roses. She kept around some uglies, so we know that personality goes a long way with her. She suffered through several very awkward conversations with dudes who are definitely registered sex offenders, and some of them got roses. Per her love of Santa, we also know a sense of humor is high on Princess of Persia's list (Guys, ICYDK she's half-Iranian. This was never mentioned because ABC is racist and because ISIS). We also learned that she feels like she needs to do squats to make her ass worthy of the men.

I'm here to say... Jojo, you're perfect just the way you are. NEVER CHANGE.

Last thought: Pretty sure for the first half of the show, she thought she was actually on Project Runway, because she kept making comments on how great the guys looked. WTF, Jojo. You are not Tim Gunn. Stay in your lane.
I hope Jojo is wearing her Nuva ring. otherwise, i'm pretty sure she just got pregnant
Jordan: We all know Jordan (AKA Olivia Munn's boyfriend's little brother) is far and away my favorite. I don't care if he cheated on his girlfriend. I don't care if he sat on the bench during his entire football career (that just means he's not concussed). I also don't care that he just wants to be famous like every single other contestant on this show. I just care that I get to stare at him for two hours a week every Monday, and that he seems to show early signs of a personality. He also knows how to rock a fitted suit. He's basically perfect. Jojo and Jordan are so gorgeous together that it's inevitable their children will look like trolls, but I'm okay with that. Needless to say, Jordan got the first impression rose and had a hot make out sesh with Jojo. He is SO clearly the frontrunner already, that I'm pretty sure he won't win in the end. (That said, cunty Courtney was the frontrunner in Ben F's season and she went all the way.)

I'm also partial to Ali, because he's Iranian and this show needs more diversity and I can't resist the idea of a Middle Eastern couple and a televised Bachelorette Persian wedding, even though I'm a traitor to my race and married a white guy. I know that Ali was a bit too eager getting out of that limo. I know that the contestants from the army and marine corps are probably there to make sure he's not a terrorist. I know his eyebrows and teeth were not ideal. I also know that he's too short. But I'm willing to get past that. Plus, the piano playing gave him depth. He also seems like a genuinely nice person. Sadly, he doesn't get much screen time in the season preview, so I don't think he sticks around long.
I'd fuck him.
Santa: Once the beard finally came off, I got a Tony Romo vibe from him. I really respected his commitment to the role. I can't decide if there was something sexy about the Santa thing or something pervy in a pedophile sort of way. All I know is that North Carolina should not allow St. Nick in any of their public bathrooms.

The minorities: We already covered the Persian-- but there was also a half Asian/half Scottish guy who wore a kilt and made a joke about Asian men having small penises. He was sent home, because he was culturally way too confusing. Of the black men, I think Christian and Grant have the best shots. And that might be because they were the only two who got roses. Fun fact: 50% of the men eliminated were non-white.
FACT: If Jojo goes into a fantasy suite with Chad, she will end up showering in the fetal position
Chad: Holy shit, my assessment of Chad was so fucking spot on just based on his photo and bio. He is a monster. There is no way this guy doesn't have a history of domestic violence and/or date rape. Honestly, do parents who name their sons Chad realize it's the male equivalent of naming your daughter Candy? I'm here to tell you people that Candy will grow up to become a stripper and Chad will grow up to have tiny testicles from all the steroids he's been taking. He threw out a couple of insults at the guys during his interview, but his violent tendencies come out in full force later in the season. And since Jojo never got the memo about guys named Chad (her ex was named Chad), she will fall hard for him.

That guy who had All 4 One following him everywhere: Fuck you, guy. Why did you have to go and ruin eighth grade slow dances for me forever? That's what All 4 One looks like now? How is that possible? And how is Todd from Last Man on Earth not in the group???
Erectile Dysfunction specialist: he got a rose and nearly creamed himself afterward. In a movie of his life, I think they should cast a young Robert Carlyle. (Google him)

Jake Pavelka: Otherwise known as FUUUUUCK, ABC fooled us again. How do we keep falling for this shit? They totally made it seem like creepy Jake Pavelka was there to convince Jojo to let him compete for her heart, but NO. They're actually just family friends and he arrived at the 14th hour to tell her that he wants her to find love and not to rule anyone out or some shit like that. Right before she's about to rule people out. The whole thing was a total mind fuck. And also a reminder that the producers are just casting people who are friends with former Bachelor contestants.
Whatever, Pavelka. You interrupted the whole show.
Things I don't care about enough to recap: the appearance made by Kaitlyn, Desiree, and Ali Fedotowsky.

Until next week when more minorities are sent home and there's no mention of Jojo's middle eastern roots. Remember, Middle America: She's a SOUTHERN SWEETHEART (with Muslim blood coursing through her veins)

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