Monday, June 6, 2016

cuffing season is OVER

With summer fast approaching, it brings us to the end of "cuffing season." This is when people couple-up during the winter months, because they don't want to be alone during the cold weather and holidays-- but once the heat of summer arrives, they decide to go their separate ways. A lot of couples opt to break-up right before the warmer months. If the relationship has run its course, then why not go your separate ways before that big European vacation you have planned where you really want to be free to hook up with strangers?

This past week, a BUNCH of celebrity couples called it quits to commemorate the end of cuffing season.

#1 Taylor Swift & Calvin Harris
This is the one I'm most confused by. These two laid on the social media PDA pretty thick, and they were the type that were always saying nice things about each other in interviews. Harris said that Taylor Swift checked off boxes he didn't know existed. More recently, Taylor gushed about him in her Vogue 72 things saying that the best present she ever got was when her boyfriend planted an olive tree in her backyard. Now that they've split, all I can think about is poor Taylor looking out the window of her multi-million dollar mansion and looking at that fucking olive tree. I think there's a chance these two could get back together, but until then--- I'm looking forward to her her next epic break-up album.
#2 Gigi Hadid & Zayn Malik
I don't need to write anything about the supermodel and singer, because they're already back together after breaking up last week.
#3 Demi Lovato & Wilmer Valderrama
Wilmer is like the Wooderson of Hollywood. He keeps getting older, they stay the same age. But Demi was probably his longest relationship, lasting six whole years. Despite the age difference, I'm a little sad for them and I hope this doesn't impact Lovato's sobriety. I predict that Wilmer's next girlfriend will be Lyanna Mormont of Bear Island.
#4 Hillary Swank & Ruben Torres
These two just called off their engagement. I don't really know anything about Torres. Some places on the internet call him a tennis coach, and others call him a former tennis pro. Either way, it all sounds like the kind of occupation you have when you're a contestant on The Bachelorette. I feel bad for Swank-- I don't know why she's been shunned by Hollywood and barely gets work anymore. But I'm still not over her divorce from Chad Lowe.

Who's next, guys? I predict Gwen and Blake. I can't deal with their smug love anymore.

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