On the first group date, the guys have to train to be firemen and save Jojo from a "burning" building. The date kicks off with the limo exploding in front of the house, and
Grant (a real fireman) has an obvious advantage on this date, and saves Jojo from the fake burning building. This guy Luke who is supposedly a war veteran, but dresses and styles his hair like Justin Bieber's swagger coach, is REALLY upset that he didn't win the extra time with Jojo. But I don't care, because Luke is not missing any limbs which probably means he just had some desk job in Iraq. He does not get my sympathy with two working arms and two working legs.
The real star of this date is skinny Wells who nearly gives his life for a rose. Wells is like the nerd from every 80s movie that surprises himself and everyone who knows him by taking the most popular girl to prom and leading the entire school in a choreographed dance.
Oh, also-- Jojo makes out with a bunch of guys on this date. I want to congratulate her, but I'm also scared she will get oral thrush by the end of the season. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad though. We all need to have flaws, and maybe Jojo's will be fungus Candida albicans on her tongue.
Meanwhile, back at the house James Taylor (No, not that James Taylor) leads the guys in sing-a-long about Jojo-- appropriately titled: Jojo. The lyrics go something like this: Ja-ja-ja-ja-jo-jo, why'd you have to go-go. I'll be honest, it's catchy as hell and reminds me of this little diddy:
In a rather surprising move, Derek gets the first one on one date of the season. I'm actually proud of myself, because I placed him in my top four early predictions-- but it turns out he has the personality of an egg carton. But all is not lost, because the producers actually planned a date we've never seen on the bachelor franchise: Choose your own adventure! So fun! I would be super into this date. In fact, I would like one of you dear readers to plan this date for me on one condition--- no matter what choices I make, they all need to lead to....
#1 A giant cheeseburger.
#2 A pint of Ben & Jerry's half-baked. And not that low-fat frozen yogurt shit.
#3 A really soft and cozy blanket,
#4 A classic Rom-Com like When Harry Met Sally or Pretty Woman.
#5 10 baby pugs.
#6 A night of uninterrupted sleep, where I don't even have to get up and go pee in the middle of the night.
Sadly, Persian Princess and Boring Doug don't do any of that. Instead, they take a private plane to San Francisco, hang out at the Golden Gate Bridge, eat dinner, and talk about love, life, and the pursuit of getting married and having kids. We learn that Doug's ex cheated on him, and that he NEVER talks about that with ANYONE. I feel like poor, sad, boring Doug has tried to talk about it with other people, but they've all fallen asleep mid-way through the conversation. I mean, he seems like a nice guy, but I would rather listen to a person list all the foods they've eaten in a day than listen to Doug. Seriously: I've taken poops more dramatic than this story.
Needless to say, he gets a rose.
The next group date takes the guys to some place I've never heard of with the letters E,S,P, and N. We get a glimpse of Jojo's future as the host of Dancing with the Stars as she claims that it's too early in Steph Curry's career to call him the greatest basketball player ever. But you know what??? Nothing about this date matters at all, because A) The Warriors beat Oklahoma and B) CHAD.
Here is a list of amazing things Chad did in this episode.
#1 Filled a suitcase with protein powder, then chained it to his weight belt, and did pull-ups. This is some straight-up steroids crazy shit. Also, I know Chad would like us to think that it's only protein powder in that suitcase, but I believe a lab would confirm that it's actually the ashes of all of the women he's murdered.
#2 He didn't want to have anything to do with the stupid Jojo song.
#3 He dropped crazy analogies about protein shakes. Like this gem: If you were making a protein shake, made of the group of dudes here. and then you know blended it up. half that dude protein shake would have like zero chance.
#4 He calls Jojo naggy when she asks him to tell her all the things he loves about her. In a very respectable move, he's like: I don't know you at all, I just met you, I have no idea what I love about you aside from your boobies. Even though this may have been a strategic decision on his part, it kind of made me take a step back and ask: Is Chad the most rational human on this show? (Side note: James Taylor got the group date rose after reading a letter to Jojo about himself that said-- no joke-- that he loves happy endings. He also fails God daily. Um, yeah. You failed him big time by coming on this show.) Now back to Chad.
#5 Later, Chad gains some sympathy points when he talks about missing his Yorkie, and Jojo points out that it doesn't exactly seem like the type of dog a serial rapist would own. He then tells her that he inherited the dog from his mom who died six months prior to him coming on the show. This mostly makes me feel bad for him, but then he says "at least I got a dog out of it" and then I realize that he totally put untraceable poison in a protein shake he made for his mom and killed her-- just so he could get that cute dog which he probably uses for rape bait. I am onto you, Chad!
#6 When tiny, little, Alex and a few other guys confront Chad at the cocktail party for stealing extra time with Jojo-- Chad says:" It's like if the Care Bears surrounded you and told you they were gonna kick your ass." This is the most genius quote uttered by any person ever in history.
#8 He sports a stylish burgundy neck tie that coincidentally matches Jojo's dress-- making all of the other guys completely insane.
#9 He gets into another heated confrontation with Little Alex. At first, I'm on Alex's side because Chad seems deranged and violent. But later, Alex makes some comment about how the rose should represent being the best bachelors in the country and imma like: HOLD UP. Men who wear deep pastel-colored V-necks, include the word "former" in their occupation, can wax poetic about protein shakes, and believe that getting on a trashy reality show automatically makes them viable life partners as opposed to pathetic douchebags, are NOT the best America has to offer. Shut your fucking mouth, Alex.
|Alex is really short.|
This episode was missing:
Chris Harrison. Why must he deprive us of his colorful button-downs and smug facial expressions??
Screen time for Hot Jordan and Hot Ali.
Any pay off for the Jojo song. We never got to see the guys perform it for her. What is this bullshit? Were they literally just running around the house rehearsing that song so they could just sing it to themselves? What a bunch of weak-ass protein shakes.
Until next week when: CHAD!