Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The Bachelorette: Episode 3 & 4 highlights

Whenever ABC wants to slowly murder me, they air TWO episodes of The Bachelorette in one week. This causes me a great deal of emotional distress. It's not right, I tell you. It's not right to make any human being watch four hours of this franchise in two days. And not in the same week of the Unreal Premiere. I know what you're up to, ABC scheduling execs. In the words of Canadian Daniel you're like Hitler.

Here are some of the highlights from episode #1

The guys still hate Chad-- not just because he's showing signs of being a rage-aholic, but also because he left plates of meat around the house. This might be the only time I'm on their side, because I feel like if you have 15+ roommates, you should really try to clean up after yourself. More importantly, I'm worried about Chad's loss of appetite. Clearly, this experience-- and the rest of the contestants, are causing him so much stress that he can't even finish eating his cold cuts. #SaveChad.

The first one on one date goes to Chase. First off, I had no idea that Chase existed, but he's actually rather attractive. He basically looks like Jordan minus the famous rich brother. Their date kicks off with a yoga class that's more like a Saturday Night Live spoof. The instructor (who can't stop using the word "intimacy") has them make strange grunting sounds, while thrusting their hips. They're also directed to have full on temper-tantrums on the floor. The yoga instructor refers to these as "Anger-gasms." This is where I call bullshit on this whole class. I have multiple anger-gasms everyday.

When I wake up and I'm still tired = anger-gasm
When I'm stuck behind a slow driver = anger-gasm
When my skinny jeans feel snug = anger-gasm
When I'm feeling gassy in a public place = anger-gasm
When someone doesn't say thank you when I hold the door open for them = anger-gasm

Why would I pay money for a class that gives me anger-gasms?? At the end of the yoga class, Chase and Jojo straddle each other and make heavy eye contact. And then they start to make out, because what else are you supposed to do when you're straddling another human? If you are a guy and reading this, please comment below and let me know whether or not Chase had a boner during this scene.

I don't have anything to say about the dinner portion of Chase and Jojo's date, except that he reminds me of an empty shell of a person. Here's me watching their date:
Also, one of the singers from the super racist named band Lady Antebellum shows up and sings a song and they slow dance and make out. The end.

Meanwhile, back at the house Canadian Daniel and Chad work out together. I don't find anything wrong with this. For Chad, fitness is a priority. I can totally respect that. But when the group date card arrives, all hell breaks loose when Chad says he doesn't want to go on a date with twelve other guys. Here's my impression of all of the men when they hear him say this:
Some of you might think Chad is a terrible person, but I think this season would die a slow death without him. And here's why I like Chad. He doesn't play by the rules. He knows the set up of this show is complete bullshit, and even though it's what he "signed up for" he's not going to go along with it. This is a man who's watched season one of Unreal. He knows the entire show is manipulated, and he's not going to grin and bear it. So, when he complains about going on a group date-- the other men's heads explode because you're not supposed to fucking complain.

"Just shut up and pretend Jojo is the love of your life," everyone else is thinking.

I also agree that in all of his heated confrontations, Chad's not the instigator. In fact, most of the day, he's just minding his own business-- making protein shakes and doing clean and presses. It's Jordan who implies that Chad is stupid with the spelling bee joke, and that's why Chad calls him a twenty-seven year old failed football player who's never done anything with his life but throw a piece of leather. Chad is King Anger-gasm, and honestly, I can kind of relate. Just ask my husband. If you come at me, I'm gonna come at your harder.
me and chad
The group date takes place at the beloved and renowned Atwater Village Theater (seriously! This place is great. I hope they fully fumigated it after the Bachelor contestants hung out there.) A woman appears on stage and has an over the top orgasm, and reminds the world why theater actors are fucking annoying. But I kind of love this date. The guys are required to share an embarrassing sexual experience in front of a live audience. A few observations:

What's going on with the fashion choices this season? Why was Ali dressed like the Hamburgler? Why was Grant (a fireman) wearing tapered skinny jeans? Why does anyone think it's okay to wear a hoodie without a shirt on under it (doesn't the zipper feel cold against your bare skin, guys?) Why are guys wearing T-shirts that are so easy to rip? Why were there so many leather jackets during the nighttime portion of this date? None of this makes any sense to me.
 For the most part, the snippets we get of the stories are funny (shout out to Nick B for the whole cunninlingus bit), but then Evan (AKA erectile dysfunction expert) gets on stage... and *cringe* decides that instead of sharing an embarrassing sexual experience, he's going to use this opportunity to humiliate Chad by calling him out for doing Steroids. This is what I like to call a dick move.

After his bit, Evan makes his way down the aisle and gives Jojo a hug. Chad pulls him back by his T-shirt and it rips. I'm still on Chad's side though. A) He didn't know that T-shirt was so cheap that it would rip and B) Evan got on stage and called him out for his alleged Steroid usage. Whether it's true or not, I thought it was mean. The date gets even worse for Chad when he breaks the rules yet again, drags Hojo on stage, and moves in for a kiss. BUT... she turns away and gives him her cheek. DENIED!

Guys, just throwing it out there, but do we think there's a chance that Chad thinks he's on The Bachelor? And that Jojo and twenty guys are competing for his love? If so, I think the final two will be Canadian Daniel and Jojo.

Later, back at the house-- Chad murders Evan and chops his body into a million pieces and dumps it in the hot tub. Just kidding. But Chad does punch a door and get really mad. Note to Chad: If you don't want people to think you take steroids, then maybe don't have a 'roid rage episode on national television.

During the group date portion of the date, Evan gives Jojo an ultimatum. Either Chad goes, or he goes. I would like to know where Evan got this kind of confidence? Also, shouldn't he just volunteer to leave because HE HAS THREE CHILDREN HE LEFT TO COME ON THIS SHOW? Do not be fooled, people. He is a deadbeat father. And it doesn't even sound like he has a Bachelor worthy sob story like his wife died in a plane crash or perished during childbirth. In a move that surprises everyone, Jojo ignores Evan's ultimatum and gives Evan the group date rose. Chad continues to blow my mind when he's like: "Seriously? Are you really vibing this guy?" Chad also wins everything when he refers to Evan as Zorg from the Fifth Element. The resemblance is startling:

Back at the house, sixteen incredibly buff men are so afraid of Chad (even while he's sleeping) that the show has to hire a fake bodyguard to walk around the the decrepit grounds of the Bachelor mansion. No one seems to mention that Chad could totally break this guy in two.

The BEST scene of this entire episode is when Chad's only ally in the house-- Canadian Daniel-- tells him he needs to cool his jets, because he's making Daniel look bad by association.

Daniel to Chad: Let's say your Hitler--
Chad to Daniel: Let's not say that.
Daniel to Chad: Fine, let's say you're Donald Trump.
Chad looks equally perplexed and horrified.

This is me at home reacting to this incredible exchange:

Important detail: Chad was eating a potato during this entire scene.

For the last one on one date of this episode, Jojo and James Taylor take a swing dance class, and join a crowd of random people in costume on the streets of Culver City to dance around. My favorite was the twelve year old girl holding the newspaper. There's not much to say about this date except that James Taylor is extremely nice and plays Jojo a song about how Ben Higgins dumped her. I really like him, but I just can't imagine him sticking his penis or any body part inside of Jojo in a fantasy suite. He is in the friend zone forever as far as I'm concerned. He's the type of guy you really want to like, but it's just not there.

The episode ends with the men being informed that Jojo has opted for a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Because Evan is a total pussy, he brings in the big guns and informs Chris Harrison about all the Chad drama in the house. As if Harrison isn't the eyes and ears behind this entire operation! Harrison takes Chad aside, tells him that they're not going to ask him to leave, because he's excellent television, but that it would be super great if he could not murder anyone. CUT TO:

Episode Four
Honestly, guys-- I had Bachelorette fatigue at this point and didn't pay much attention. And I didn't take any notes. And I didn't live tweet. So, this recap might be completely inaccurate.

The pool party is fairly anti-climactic aside except for the array of douchey tattoos on display. We do get some much-needed screen time for Hot Jordan-- who I still consider the frontrunner. Jojo tells him that he makes her nervous, and he pretends to be dumbfounded when he knows that he's smoking hot and has had this effect on women his entire life.

Also, during this date, poor Zorg gets a bloody nose. Meanwhile, Chad gets really upset that the guys are talking about him to Jojo that he hides in the woods. Once the coast is clear, Chad comes back to the house and has words with Derek (AKA if Jim from the Office was a douche bag). Chad says some mean things about Derek's girlfriend cheating on him (ahem, I thought Derek didn't talk about that with anyone), and there's no resolution at the end of their conversation. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm strangely rooting for Chad and longing for him and the other guys to put their differences aside and get along.

The rose ceremony is very upsetting, because racist Jojo sends home two minorities and one of my favorite white guys. I was SUPER pissed to see Ali go, because I was hoping we'd get to see at least ONE conversation about the fact that they're both Iranian. ABC really doesn't want this information out there. I can live without Christian, but he had personality and was one of the last remaining black men on the show. Now Fireman Grant is the only minority left. BUT what I really don't understand is why Jojo would keep guys like Vinnie or non-descript Christian conservative around instead of Nick "Santa Claus" B. He's cute, he's funny, and he's an electrical engineer. An ELECTRICAL ENGINEER. Not a former electrical engineer. A current one. Not to put too much weight on what people do for a living, but half these guys are unemployed and Vinnie works in a barber shop (probably sweeping hair based on his own haircut.)

I'm disappointed in Jojo. She clearly has horrible taste in men. CUT TO:

The guys head to some town I've never heard of in Pennsylvania. What's next, ABC? Racine, Wisconsin? Texarkana, Texas? Pooville, Fartatopia?

Luke (AKA the Hurt Locker) gets the next one on one date with Hojo. They get into a hot tub and make out. During the dinner portion of their date, Luke shares some of his Afghanistan war stories with Jojo. She does a good job of remaining interested. I don't hate Luke. Even though he looks like he's the third most attractive member in a boy band, and even though it seems like he might fall asleep in this middle of his own sentences, I can appreciate his ability to go deep and talk about his emotions. In a very uncomfortable and strange sequence that makes me feel sorry for people who live in Pennsylvania (and I can say that, b/c my husband grew up there), Jojo and Luke go to some concert where some random singers named Dan & Shay play while the entire audience takes iPhone pics of Luke and Jojo making out. I'm just gonna assume these people have been living in a bunker for the last twenty years, and they're only this excited b/c this is their first night of freedom.

Back at the house, shit gets even more real when the guys get pissy with Chad for giving one word answers to their questions. I'm not exactly sure what they're missing here. It's pretty obvious to anyone watching this show that Chad is not there to make friends. He keeps asking the guys to leave him alone, and they keep prodding him. I think what we're seeing here is systematic bullying from the rest of the dudes. But tensions are high right now because Bad Chad and Tiny Alex will be going on a two on one date together. The best part of this altercation is when Chad tells Hot Jordan that when this show is over, he will find out where he lives and show up at his house. Everyone thinks Chad is threatening Jordan-- but I'm pretty sure he just means he'll show up at his house with a fruit basket and a bottle of sparkling rosé.

The group date is your typical lame Bachelorette date. The guys are met by a rapist FORMER Pro-football player who tells them they'll be having a scrimmage. Whoever wins gets to spend more time with Jojo during the evening portion of the date. Since Jordan is a failed quarterback and the frontrunner, he will be QB 1 for both teams--  which also means he gets extra time with Hoho no matter what.

The highlights of this date are when Zorg gets another bloody nose, and when James Taylor gets a cut from his forehead that makes him bleed profusely. Those sneaky promo producers made us all think that Chad went on a violent rampage and made everyone bleed, but it turns out football was the true enemy here.

Hot Jordan gets the group date rose, which really upsets Robbie (who? I have no idea, but he kind of looks like what Will Forte would look like after a douchebag makeover.) Apparently, Robbie is already falling in love with Jojo, even though no one knew he was on the show until this cocktail party.

Personally, I thought the two on one date could have been SO much more dramatic. I wanted Badlands/Farmer Chris level drama. Instead, Jojo is confused about all the things she's hearing about Chad. After all, his mother just died (he murdered her) so maybe he's still coping with that? But when Tiny Alex tells her that Chad made threats against Hot Jordan (AKA Jojo's future husband), Jojo decides to take action. She gives Alex the rose, even though he's small enough to fit in her cleavage, and tells Chad that violence is not the answer. This all felt incredibly contrived to me. The producers kept Chad on the show purely so Jojo could have her "I am the Bachelorette, hear me roar" moment with him. Not to mention--- the rest of the season is going to be excruciatingly boring with out him. I'll miss you, Chad. #NeverChange #GoneTooSoon #Blessed #MeatTastesYummy #ProteinShakesRule #HitlerLite #SteroidsForever

Back at the house, the guys cheer when Chad's suitcase is taken away... BUT Chad isn't gonna go down without a fight. We see him lurking through the woods, arriving back at the house, and banging on the door! The men basically shit their pants. Two remaining thoughts on this: #1 Um, he walked there?? Didn't we see him and Alex take a helicopter to where they went hiking with Jojo? #2 You can't fucking fool me, ABC. I know Chad's just there cause he forgot his toothbrush and his protein powder.

There is no new episode next week (Thank Fucking God), but I can't wait for two weeks from now to find out why Jojo is having a mental breakdown. Yay!


  1. I thought the same thing about Luke sounding like he was going to fall asleep mid-sentence. and also thought that guy looks like Will Forte. Love your recaps!! "Hojo"- lmao

  2. You crack me up! This was by far my favorite line..

    Everyone thinks Chad is threatening Jordan-- but I'm pretty sure he just means he'll show up at his house with a fruit basket and a bottle of sparkling rosé

  3. I'm #TeamChad all the way.. what's hilarious about Chad coming back to the house is that he clearly was brought there. I mean when have we ever seen them literally just leave people just out in the middle of nowhere for hours? After he got eliminated, they shoulda had him on a flight home, or whisked him off to some hotel. but of course they wanted The Chad loose... makes for more good TV

  4. I can't forgive Bad Chad's thin lips and probable Red Bull and protein shake breath. I'm sorry.

    Furthermore, you are KILLING ME still with these recaps, after all these years, you beautiful wonder...