Wednesday, June 22, 2016

the bachelorette: episode 5 highlights

If this episode had a title it would be "My Two Chads" Or "It's a Chad, Chad World" or "Chads are apparently fucking assholes."

Here were the highlights:

Chad #1's funeral
After the guys find out that Mad Chad has gotten the boot on the two on one date, they commemorate the occasion by throwing him a funeral. I wish someone could do an anthropological study that observes douchebags who make fun of other douchebags in their natural douchebag habitat. They sprinkle Chad's protein powder (AKA his murdered mother's ashes) into the Pennsylvania greenery and yell "Death to Tyrants" into the wind. Yup. I wonder how all those impoverished citizens of North Korea would feel if they learned that a tyrant in America is just someone who consumes way too much protein, keeps to himself while lifting weights, and makes benign threats of violence.

 Chad Returns!
I'm not sure why the producers couldn't have timed it so that Chad entered in the middle of his own funeral. This was a real missed opportunity. The entire crew needs to get "money, dick, power" tattooed on their wrists, so they can start making shit happen. Instead, the guys soil themselves when Chad arrives post-funeral. Since they are 100% sure that he's there to murder them, and do bench presses with their corpses, Jordan decides to diffuse the situation by apologizing to Chad. They shake on it, but Chad tries to break Jordan's fingers in the process. Yes, the most violent Chad got was squeezing someone's hand too tight. For a moment, I was actually hoping they would hug it out, but Chad has not yet evolved as a human being and continued to berate the remaining men. Zorg is still upset about his ripped T-shirt, and asks Chad to replace it. Chad makes fun of him for being broke (to be fair, Zorg does have three mouths to feed), and the guys finally ask him to leave.

It's a sad moment in Bachelorette history. How will this show ever survive without Mad Bad Chad? I for one will miss his roid rage episodes, his protein shake metaphors, and his love of potatoes. Until we meet again on Bachelor in Paradise...

Alex is an American Hero...
Not for fighting in a war overseas, but for getting the rose on the two on one date. Thanks to him, Chad was sent home. Um, why would he be an American hero for making the show boring? When he got back to the house, it kind of felt like watching the end of Rudy, but instead of lifting Alex on their shoulders, the guys smash cupcakes on his face. I for one hate Alex, because he took away the only thing I ever loved about this season.
Cocktail Ceremony
Otherwise known as a complete waste of time. In one corner, we have Chase who decides that the best way to woo HoJo is to take a page out of Bubble Boy's dating repertoire and make her squeeze inside a huge plastic bubble. Where did these bubbles come from? Did Chase order them one-day shipping from Amazon prime? Did he request that producers provide them? Did some lowly P.A. convince him that giant plastic bubbles are Hojo's favorite thing? I don't understand. I'm trying, but I don't.

In the other corner, we have Hot Jordan who pulls Jojo aside, pushes her against the wall, and fucks her mouth with his tongue (AKA kisses her)-- all while the other guys are blissfully unaware on the other side of the wall. This is some straight-up Ralph Fiennes in The English Patient level shit, and I'm not mad about it.
Standing on the sidelines, we have a rando guy who I don't recognize from previous episodes that reads her a poem.

Sadly, a rose by any other name does not smell as sweet for him, because he doesn't get one. The Canadian get eliminated too, which bums me out because he was our only hope for some entertainment on the show. Also, I feel like when you get to heaven, God will explain the meaning of life and how it was possible that Vinny kept getting roses. VINNY. The guy with the terrible Julius Caesar haircut, who works at a barber shop!

Upon his exit, the Canadian delivers the best line ever, explaining his odds with Jojo: "I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning, while you know, shaving my face."

I would argue that if you DON'T shave your face outside during a lightning storm, then you will NEVER get struck by lightning while shaving your face.

Jordan gets screen time! 
FINALLY. The show finally reaches the international portion of the season and heads to Uruguay. Jordan gets the first one on one date, and then it's revealed that all the other guys in the house suddenly hate him. They don't trust him. They think he's only here to get famous. To that I say what I always say: That's the best and only reason to go on The Bachelorette!

Watching Jojo and Jordan in their bathing suits on a boat is like choosing to have my self-esteem plummet and never recover. You know how two people are SO pretty that they're actually totally disgusting at the same time? That's how I felt about these two. I couldn't tell if I wanted to have sex with them or vomit on them. They swim with seals. At the end of the date, the seals feel really inadequate, because they don't have a six pack or perfect boobs. They feel like the Navy Seals should change their name to Navy Jordan and Jojo.
Jojo is so pretty....
The nighttime portion of the date gets awkward when Jojo admits that she's met Jordan's ex-girlfriend and she's heard he was a super shitty boyfriend. Jordan expertly takes responsibility and says that he was not in a good place in his football career and it came at the expense of someone he loved. When Jojo asked him if there was cheating, he denies it. But according to his ex, he totally DID cheat on her. I'm not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, Jordan is very attractive (though his hair gives me douche chills), but I do believe that he's also a cheater. But maybe that's just the trade-off Jojo has to live with to be with someone so pretty. Just kidding, cheating is bad. And I'm not rooting for these two anyway. I want Jordan to be the next bachelor and then to go on Dancing with the Stars. Jordan does tell her that he's falling in love with her, and they make out.

But maybe Jojo is just taking Chad's advice:
Chad #2
Meanwhile, back at the house, Vinny cuts hair and hands out copies of In Touch Weekly that feature a scandalous interview with Jojo's ex-boyfriend: CHAD. According to the article, she was never in love with Ben (duh, he's gross), was still dating Chad (I believe it), and that she only broke up with him to be on The Bachelorette (sounds about right). The guys are shocked and disturbed by these new developments and they decide they need to confront Jojo.

But the producers beat them to the punch. In a move right out of UnReal, Jojo gushes in her interview that she had the best date with Jordan and nothing could take her happiness away. To prove her wrong and take her happiness away, the producer hands her the issue of In Touch, and tells her to read it. They need to address it, because the guys have seen it too.

BOLD MOVE! If UnReal has taught us anything, it's that the producers knew they'd be screwed once Chad #1 left the show, so they needed Chad #2 to stir shit up via a tabloid magazine. And "somehow" this magazine was allowed into the hands of the dudes.

Persian Southern Jojo bursts into tears. Why is Chad doing this to her? She was only trying to be a friend to him when he was depressed (translation: they were fucking when she got back from filming The Bachelor). Why are there people like this in the world??

An emotional Jojo arrives at the guy's hotel room and says Chad #2 is the worst and that she's here for the right reasons. We learn that Chad made Jojo feel super insecure. But Jojo made those adorable seals feel insecure, so who's really the bad guy here?

Anyway, the guys tell Jojo it's okay, and she starts to feel better. This got me thinking, are there any good Chads in the world? I mean, chads were the reason Al Gore lost the election. Here's all I could come up with:
Chad Lowe
Chad(wick) Boseman
Group Date: 
They go sand surfing. It looks fun. Everyone hates Derek now. Derek tells Jojo he doesn't know where things stand between them. Jojo gives Derek the group date rose to reassure him. The guys think he's a loser for needing reassurance. The END. Bring back CHAD!

Who is ROBBY?
No, seriously. Who is he? A former pro swimmer? Why is he suddenly getting so much screen time? Is he Will Forte in disguise? These are questions we'll never know the answers to. During his one on one date with Jojo, he tells her he's in love with her. This is very confusing, because I'm fairly certain they've only had one conversation in the past about nothing. There's not much worth noting about this date. Robby seems like a perfectly nice guy. He confesses to Jojo that his best friend died last year in a car accident right before proposing to his girlfriend (is it bad that all I could think was-- did he already buy the ring and did she get to have it?) Robby goes on to say that his friend's death is the reason he decided to come on the Bachelorette.

Dear All My Friends.
If I die, and that inspires you to go on a reality show, I will fucking haunt the shit out of you until the end of your life. Do you understand me??? My death will not be in vain!

Robby gets a rose.

Now that Chad is gone, the guys need new people to hate. Right now, Derek has no friends. And he feels like the guys are getting cliquey. So, he confronts Jordan, Chase, Alex, and I can't remember who else about being mean to him. They are APPALLED by his timing. How could he talk to them about this right before a rose ceremony??? Especially when some of them don't have roses on their lapels. Honestly, I'm not sure what the big deal is. How stressful are these rose ceremonies? If you don't get a rose, do they take the guys out back and sever one of their balls? Do they scrape the words "I was on The Bachelorette and all I got was this stupid skin-shirt" into your bare chest with knives?

I don't have a dog in this fight, but Derek seems pretty harmless to me.

Evan, Grant, and Vinny (finally) get sent home. I feel bad for all of them, but mostly I feel bad that with Grant's exit-- we are only left with WHITE DUDES. How will ABC ever cast a black bachelor if one never sticks around past episode five? Seriously, someone do the research. Has an African-American contestant ever made it to episode six on this show?? At this point, why even bother casting minorities at all? It's shameful.

Season Preview
Based on the way this season ends, Jojo is in love with Jordan, but she knows he's bad for her-- so she dumps him and doesn't end up with anyone (?) I don't read spoilers, but if she gets engaged to someone else after what we just witnessed, I'll be shocked. Then again, ABC is masterful at tricking us with these promos. Maybe Jojo is just firing her publicist or personal assistant or sending her brother away?

Man nips
During the credits, we find out that Luke has bigger boobs than me. He calls them man nips. This is the first time I've seen signs of Luke having a personality. I believe he will for sure make it to the fantasy suite.

Until next week when we get yet another episode WITHOUT CHAD.

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