Tuesday, June 28, 2016

the bachelorette: episode 6 highlights

This isn't hyperbole. I honestly believe this was the most boring episode in Bachelorette history. This season is nothing without Chad Steroids. The biggest conflict in this episode was two contestants arguing over poker rules. You guys all know that I've had a massive crush on Jojo since she showed up on Ben's season with a unicorn mask over her head, but I'm close to done with her. She's--- dare I say-- a snooze fest? And even though she's stunning, I can see all the work she puts into looking that good. The fake hair, the fake lashes, the potentially fake boobs.

 I feel like the big plot twist at the end of the season is that Jojo will get engaged to no one, and then we will see her walk into a Macy's in Dallas, stand in the storefront window, and TURN BACK INTO a mannequin. 
Jojo's real parents.
Anyway, here were the the highlights from the episode.

#1 Fifty Shades of Chris Harrison looking dayum fine in that grey suit. He shows up at the beginning of the episode to help Jojo sort through her feelings in Argentina. It might be possible that she'll be in love with two men at the end of the season. Possible? Come on, network executives. It's a motherfucking given. We know how this shit works. There is not a single human being on this planet that's wondering if Jojo will come to realize that she's only into one person.

#2 The men's heads nearly explode, because for the first time ever there will be two two on one dates this season. Why? Because this season is so boring, the producers had to think fast. This is my excitement level at this reveal:
#3 DJ Wells gets the first one on one date, because he's the only one who hasn't had one yet. We also learn that he's the only contestant that hasn't kissed Jojo. This doesn't bode wells (get it?!). Usually, the person who gets their first one on one date this late in the season is only chosen so he can be sent home in the middle of the date.

Jojo and Skinny Wells go to a performance art theater where they walk on treadmills and roll around in water in a plastic tarp on the ceiling. I SO wish that ABC did a disney tie-in and added an animated Sebastian the crab from The Little Mermaid on this date, because I truly think that Wells could have used his help and encouragement. If you really think about it, Sebastian the crab is the perfect wingman.
Finally, while they're rolling around in water, Wells gets it done and makes out with Jojo. I'm glad he at least got a little action, because the rest of the date doesn't go well. During dinner, Wells opens up about his last relationship, and admits he ended it because they were more like best friends than boyfriend/girlfriend.

Jojo's basically like: speaking of just being friends, I'm not really feeling you and I can't give you this rose that I'm holding up in front of your face. Please go home.

If we could hear Jojo's interior monologue, it would go something like this:
"I don't picture myself marrying you, because I am extremely hot, and God's plan for me is to end up with a cheesy beefcake type that has a borderline pompadour hairstyle, wears tight V-necks, leather jackets, uses the word 'former' in his occupation, has more protein powder running through his veins than blood, and has tiny testicles, because steroids."

After Chad leaves, the show cuts to what might be the cheesiest sequence I've ever seen. Jojo, walking into the performance art space (during the show), and standing in the middle of the room alone (surrounded by strangers), and looking sad, but sort of happy in the fake rain. The music gets increasingly dramatic and then they throw in the slo-mo.
Jojo
#4 Luke and Jojo come in their pants: Okay, not really, but that's what it feels like when they make out during the group date portion of the episode. (the daytime portion consisted of a soccer game that's not worth getting into, because no one got hurt and started bleeding). I think Luke might be the front runner. He doesn't have the fame whore emotional baggage that comes with Jordan, and he clearly makes Jojo very wet. Watching them make out made me feel very uncomfortable. I'm not sure I really understand what she sees in Luke. He seems like a nice guy, but I have individual flakes of dandruff with more personality. It feels like it takes effort for him to speak. Maybe he would be hot if this were the 90s, but he just doesn't do it for me in 2016.
Luke reminds me of Luke Perry
#5 The great poker conflict of 2016: James Taylor is starting to feel insecure, because with Wells gone, he's the only guys left on the show without a twelve pack and giant muscles. He needs to start playing dirty. He takes Jojo aside and says that there are aspects of Jordan's personality that she's never seen. When Mannequin asks him to elaborate, he claims that the other night, they were playing a game of poker, and Jordan acted entitled about the rules. First of all, the rules are the rules. If Jordan was right about the rules, then he should come off entitled. I'm not mad at Jordan for this. More importantly, I only want to hear this story if it ended with Jordan taping James Taylor's butt cheeks together with duct tape. Let's face it. If this was Breakfast Club, then Jordan would be Emilio Estevez, and James Taylor would be Anthony Michael Hall.
A glimpse into Jordan's home life.
Jojo confronts Jordan, and he nearly starts laughing because he too misses the real drama that Chad Steroids brought to the show. He's basically like "James Taylor is one of my best friends in the house and we had a disagreement about poker. The End." Later, Jordan confronts James Taylor about calling him entitled, but nothing much comes out of it. Luke gets the group date rose, because he makes Jojo's vagina ache.


#6 It takes three to Tango? No, it doesn't. Which is why this is the lamest two on one date ever. We literally watch as Chase (AKA Jordan without the football career) and Derek (the guy who got mean girled in the last episode) toss Jojo back and forth between them on the dance floor. Chase is wooden and Derek is passionate. Later, Derek pours his heart out to Jojo and tells her how much he cares about her and what it felt like to see her for the first time, and a shit ton of other really nice things and Jojo says: I appreciate that. Somehow, Derek does not take this as a sign that he's going to get sent home.

Then, Jojo tells Chase that he doesn't make her feel loved or special enough. Chase literally says: Doh.

Chase gets the rose, because although he is dumb and can't use his words,  he's also more attractive than Derek. We are then subjected to a terrible dance sequence where Jojo and Chase slow dance, while a singer named Soledad Something tries to sing Don't Cry for Me Argentina in English, but finally gives up and just switches to Spanish. Meanwhile, guess who is crying for Argentina? Derek, in the limo. Full on ugly cry, guys. I'm sure they're just editing out the fact that producers just told him his dog died, while he was trying to win the heart of a display doll.

#7 The least dramatic rose ceremony ever. This is when you know the show is in trouble. There's only one rose left and Alex (the tiny one) and James Taylor (the pudgy one-- by Hojo standards) are the two remaining contestants. Suddenly, Jojo freaks out and abruptly leaves the rose ceremony. She runs down the steps in her evening gown, and Chris Harrison catches up to her. "What happened in there?" he asks, as though none of this was scripted. Jojo tells him that she can't give this rose away. Of course, we all assume this means that both guys will be sent home, but *surprise* instead, she gives them each a rose. What a fucking waste of time. I could have been watching Unreal!

Until next week when NOTHING HAPPENS. If you guys miss Chad as much as I do, here's an article about him dating Robby (AKA douchey Will Forte's) ex-girlfriend.

Also, shameless plug apropos of nothing. You can buy my book here.

3 comments:

  1. I think the producer was peeling onions in the limo with Derek!

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  2. So the two on one was her audition for Dancing with the Stars, right?

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  3. We all know Jordan is winning this thing, and it makes me sad because he's so obviously a player trying to come across as a good guy. His reactions to Jojo questioning him about past relationships and his behavior around the other guys just proves that he's playing her. Guy is clearly on there for fame. Plus go on RealitySteve--many of his exes have wrote him saying what an awful BF he is.

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