Okay, now that I've gotten that off my chest, here are some of the highlights from last night's show (AKA the parts I paid attention to).
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Date
There are six guys left in Argentina. Short Alex gets the first one on one date, and clearly he's never seen the show because he takes this as a good sign. I don't. Even though Chris Harrison flies all the way to Argentina just to inform the dudes that there will be no roses on the one on one dates, I'm pretty sure Alex is not going to be part of the final four. And that for the sake of drama, Hojo might cut him loose early.
Jojo wants normalcy during her time with Alex and that's what she gets when they sit in the back of a car and eat Pringles together. But then, she admits that she's getting a friend vibe from Alex. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, JOJO. What do you want? Have you ever had a real relationship? Do you know that marriage consists of eating chips together in cars and then complaining about feeling bloated and gassy?
Things go from bad to worse when Alex claims he knows how to freestyle and basically raps "Jojo you need to go go to the liquor sto." I have to give Jojo a lot of credit for not stopping the car and kicking him out on the side of the road.
If the start of the date wasn't bad enough for Short Alex, he later has to dress up in Gaucho garb. I don't know what a gaucho is, but they wear scarves and berets and don't really give off a fuckable vibe. The last time I was attracted to a man wearing a beret was NEVER. None of this really matters, because we get to watch a hot gaucho straddle a horse and cast a spell on it. Jojo says it's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen. I'm pretty sure the horse and the gaucho are more likely to get a hometown date than Alex who can't even pronounce "gaucho" after people around him have been saying it all day.
|Horse's interior monologue: Fuck my life.|
Meanwhile, the rest of the guys are super jealous that Alex gets to spend the day with Jojo when they have to spend the afternoon relaxing on a bus, drinking cerveza, making up dumb ass rap songs, and eating delicious looking barbecue. I have no idea what these assholes are complaining about. They're having the best day ever. But if there's anything that makes the lack of diversity on this show absolutely cringe-worthy, it's watching five white guys do a rap together. I would rather get laser hair removal on my nose hairs than watch this shit.
Jordan Hates his Famous Brother
Jordan gets the next one on one date. He and Jojo stomp on grapes together. But none of this matters, because during the dinner portion of their date, we finally get some dish on the Rodgers Family. Jojo not so subtly asks who's going to be at his hometown date, and Jordan says his middle brother (AKA Aaron Rodgers, one of the best quarterbacks in football, I think?) will not be there. First of all, OF COURSE he won't be there. Even if they had the best relationship ever, why would he agree to appear on a low grade reality television show to meet some girl his brother will inevitably have a broken engagement with? He doesn't have time for that. All he has time for is saying "hike" and going down on Olivia Munn. Jordan then goes on to admit that he and his brother don't have much of a relationship and that Aaron doesn't even know that he's on the show. He also makes it sound like his brother is a self-involved dick. Jojo manages to keep it together. She does not throw a fit and say that she thought being with Jordan meant season tickets to Packers games and invites to swanky Hollywood parties. She also does not mention that she's worked way too hard on her fake tan, hair extensions, fake lashes, boob job that's so good we're not sure it's a boob job, to end up with the less successful Rodgers brother.
I'm pretty sure that if Aaron ever died, their dad would point to Jordan and yell: IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU.
Some of you hate Jordan. Some of you feel like he came on this show for the wrong reasons. Some of you think that he came on this show just to get famous. To that I ask-- isn't that why everyone came on the show? It just feels more obvious with Jordan. Personally, I don't want him to win, because if we're going to have another white bachelor, then let it be someone who can sort of rap.
Oh, also-- Jordan pulled out the big guns and told Jojo he's in love with her. What she didn't know is that there was a mirror on the wall behind her, and he was looking at himself when he said it. That's going to be super awkward when she watches this episode. It's like when you say hi back to someone only to realize they were actually saying hi to someone else. Does anything make you want to kill yourself more than that form humiliation?
Lamest Group Date in the History of the Bachelorette
The producers really phoned it in with this one. They basically just had Jojo, Pudgy James Taylor, Buff Will Forte, and Mentally Disabled Chase hang out together in a hotel room, eat room service, and watch the Brazilian version of The Bachelor. I'll admit, this sounds like my idea of heaven, but I don't want to WATCH people eat french fries and watch TV. That's what I want to be doing. I *think* they also played a game of truth or dare just so Buff Will Forte could run around in his boxer briefs, but I could be wrong. Like I said, I was half asleep.
The most significant part of the group date is that James Taylor pours his heart out to Jojo and says that he knows they don't have the same kind of physical chemistry that she has with other guys, but that he thinks what they have is even more special than that (um, what could be more special than a good boning sesh?). I like James Taylor and I'm really sad that decent guys like him will never make it to the top two on The Bachelorette. Dumb buff Robby gets the group date rose, which is all the more annoying since he went off about being the frontrunner. James Taylor is so drunk and upset that he spills his drink everywhere.
Side note, how does Jojo manage to NEVER get drunk? Are we going to find out she's actually a RealDoll? (Google it, it's NSFW)
Robby and Jojo get to spend more time together and make out during a fake CGI lightning storm.
Is Luke for real?
Jojo's last one on one date is with Cool Hand Luke. Is this guy for real? I still don't find him attractive, because those teeth, but then again, he''s this strange combo of manly and soulful and philosophical. He can somehow pull off a denim button down and rides horses and shoots rifles. These are turn offs for me, so I'm not all that impressed. Jojo, on the other hand, has to wear triple the panty liners when she's around him. He's such an obvious frontrunner that the show decides not to waste production hours on extending their date beyond the daytime portion. They're going to cut straight to the rose ceremony.
For those of you that were hoping for more Luke screentime, I found this old video of him:
Jojo gives some long-winded boring speech about how hard it is to be the bachelorette, and then she hands out roses. This girl is so decisive. How does she do it? She never even has to look at framed headshots of the guys or talk out her feeling with Chris Harrison before handing out roses. I was rooting for James Taylor to get a rose, but I had to remind myself that it was more likely that Jojo would go to the local stable to meet that horse's family.
I was actually super sad to see James Taylor go, especially when he gets all emotional. Why do females have a tendency to always pick the douchey assholes?? I think it's obvious that James Taylor would by far make the best life partner here. He's sweet and funny and plays guitar. I know he will make a woman in Bachelor Nation very happy someday soon. Personally, I'm rooting for him to get together with Carly. Remember her? She was the best and they would be so cute together!
BRING BACK CHAD.