Tuesday, January 3, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 1

Fourth Time's the Charm
This is already shaping up to be a great season of The Bachelor, and not just because they actually cast a white guy with a personality in the part. I love Nick. Who would have thought that a stint on Bachelor in Paradise would have redeemed him in our eyes? I used to think he gave off serious serial killer/rapist/I have women trapped in my basement vibes, but now he's just a cuddly teddy bear with a waxed six pack. And ALL he wants is to FIND LOVE.

Here are some stray observations from the premiere episode.

Nick is self-deprecating. He knows how to make fun of himself and will perhaps poke fun at the entire process of being on a reality dating show. He's clearly the Liz Lemon of Bachelor contestants.
Okay, that's a fucking lie. Nick has abs of steel and takes gym selfies. But the bar is set so low that a guy who makes fun of the fact that he has a tendency to mumble somehow feels like a groundbreaking piece of casting.

We get to meet Nick's family (for the third time) and look at old photographs of him. I'm extremely happy that one of his sister's confirmed what I've been saying all along: Nick looks like Justin Bieber! Because Nick is probably Mormon (?) he has a shit-ton of siblings and a little sister who's still in middle school. But Bella is wise beyond her years and gives Nick advice (don't mumble!). Somehow the sage little sibling character has become a reality TV trope. Someone please hook her up with Stassi's little brother from Vanderpump Rules.

We're invited to the obligatory sequence of the current bachelor getting advice from Bachelor alumni. For this edition, that includes: White Shawn, White Ben, and White Farmer Chris. Even though we are now living in Trump's America, ABC made these guys leave their klan outfits at home. I'm not sure why Farmer Chris keeps getting invited to these pow-wows, because he did not end up finding love and probably racks up a very high travel & expense account with all the hotel porn he orders and all the booze he consumes from the mini bar. More importantly, how has he not become the spokesman for FarmersOnly.com. Even more importantly, who buys the ad space for FarmersOnly.com and why do they seem to run commercials at all hours of the day in Los Angeles? Their marketing strategy makes no sense. 

Next, we get to meet the ladies and it's the usual suspects of contestants. We have ourselves a faith-based virgin (Christen pronounced Kristin), a dental hygienist, a girl with a Russian accent (who also happens to be the dental hygienist, but is actually a spy and Putin apologist), a slutty blonde, a southern bumpkin from the fictional town of Hoxie, a girl who is obsessed with *fill in the blank* animal (in this case, it's dolphins), a quirky blonde who has solely been cast to provide amusing commentary about Nick and the other girls, the neonatal nurse with a heart of gold (AKA the wifey), the Canadian(s), the women who make you sad about the state of dating because they seem way too good to appear on The Bachelor-- this season, that title belongs to Vanessa (the multi-lingual special ed teacher with a great rack. She is also one of the Canadians) and Rachel (the stunning black lawyer from Texas). Lastly, we have the blast from the past who has already had sex with Nick. She also satisfies the role of girl with the terrible back tattoo.

All that's missing is a single mom and a woman who lost her fiance in a tragic boating accident.

The girls arrive to meet Mumbles and frankly, the most drama the producers are able to milk from the second half of the show is that a lot of the girls are wearing red dresses. How will Nick be able to tell them apart from each other when so many of them are wearing the same color? What if he is color blind and thinks they're all wearing orange? What if he confuses them for the Red Woman in Game of Thrones? Can I get through a single Bachelor recap without at least one reference to Game of Thrones? No, I can't.
My favorite arrivals included the girl who is obsessed with dolphins who came dressed as a shark, the girl who arrived on a camel because Nick loves a good hump (who doesn't?), the super pretty girl who told Nick that all her friends think he's a piece of shit, the girl who handed Nick a book that turned out to be a box you put an uncooked wiener in and then she made him eat it with her, and the girl who told him she is not wearing underwear.

My least favorite arrivals included the girl from that fake town Hoxie who made him do some cheesy cheerleading routine, Christen (the faith based virgin) who wore the terrible yellow dress and came out fanning her face with that yellow fan and said she felt like she was meeting a celebrity, the neonatal nurse who fed him maple syrup (purely because she was trembling the entire time and her nervousness made me uncomfortable), and Corinne. Because Corinne was solely put on this earth, so that sane women like me could contemplate murder. But not like regular murder. Like season one of True Detective murder.
I'm sorry, but Corinne brings this out of me.
Here's what we know about Corinne so far. She's twenty-four. She runs a multi-million dollar company (AKA she works for her dad and answers phone calls from his kitchen), AND she has a nanny. Like, a legit nanny that takes care of her. First of all: I fucking want a nanny! Second of all: Is this bitch for real? Third of all: she needs to stay on the show forever so that her poor nanny can get a break. She already ruffles feathers by being the first girl to make out with Nick. She also gives him a bag of "tokens" he can cash in for various sex acts throughout the season. This is not a gift you should give someone when you're running a multi-million dollar company. This is the kind of gift you give to your mom on her birthday when you're twelve and don't have any money. I once gifted my mom "coupons" that said I would make my bed and clean my room. That's not a real present.

From the preview of the season, we know that Corinne is going to be the villain and the person the other contestants have to warn Nick about. We also know that she has a heart of gold and a vazheen (aka vagina) of platinum. Hmmm. I don't think men would be into a platinum vagina. It sounds hard and cold. She should have said she had a heart of gold and a vazheen of warm jello.
my vazheen.
I was super afraid that Nick was going to give her the first impression rose, but in a surprising move... he gives it to RACHEL-- making her the first African-American contestant to receive the first impression rose. That could mean a few different things: #1 Nick is not racist, #2 the producers put him up to it, b/c they need to make it seem like the show is not racist, or #3 they've already decided that Rachel is going to be the first black bachelorette (Please God, please. This is the best way to resist Trump's America). Either way, this made me fall in love with Nick all over again. It's super sad that we live in a world where this is even noteworthy or surprising, but this is Bachelor Nation we're talking about. It favors the white working class-- and by working class, I mean people whose career has the word "aspiring" in front of it.

Before I end this recap, we need to talk about Liz. She's the girl who already boned Nick. They met at Jade and Tanner's wedding where she served as the maid of honor and the most coveted poontang pie of the night. After they boned, Nick asked Liz for her phone number, but she didn't give it to him. Is this still a big deal in modern times? Do people even ask for phone numbers anymore? Can't you just find someone on Facebook or Instagram or Snapchat or FarmersOnly.com? For some reason, when Liz gets out of the limo, Nick pretends like he doesn't know her. Or maybe he was just so drunk he doesn't remember her. My husband says that Nick will cut her loose, because "been there, done that." He is probably right, but Liz will remain on the show just long enough to make all the other girls cry, because she's already felt Nick's penis inside her warm jello vazheen.

My favorite ladies so far this season are: Rachel (my #1-- and not only because she seems to really enjoy vacuuming her apartment), Vanessa (because she's a special ed teacher. Think of all the girls she'll be able to help this season), the Russian (because I'm currently binge-watching The Americans and I'm pretty sure she's the one who Putin sent to the states to hack the DNC), the other Canadian girl (because she'll definitely be a lot of fun on Bachelor in Paradise), and the dolphin girl (because she invented the word "dolphinitely").

If there's one important takeaway from the night, it's that you should NOT quote Carrie Bradshaw to a man if you want him to give you a rose at the end of the episode.