Wednesday, January 11, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Episode 2

It's only week two of this season and I already have major Bachelor fatigue. Maybe it's because this is like, season 80, or maybe because this installment feels far more contrived than previous ones. It's possible I've been watching too much Unreal, but the puppet strings in this episode were too visible for my taste. Or maybe I just want to believe that Strictly Nickly wouldn't give the group date rose to the girl who took her top off without the producers making him do it.

We kick things off with Chris Harrison (AKA my bae) showing up to tell the girls there will be two group dates and a one on one date. Unfortunately, Nick's harem is so large that not all of the girls will be getting a date this week. Chris urges them to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get alone time with Nick and to take advantage of that time they have together. Jesus, Chris Harrison is not a subtle man. He basically just told all the girls to give Nick a BJ in the thirty seconds they have with him until someone else interrupts to give him a BJ.

The group date brings us our first photo shoot of the season. The girls will be required to wear wedding dresses and pose with Nick. SOME are required to wear bridesmaid dresses, because psychological torture and drama.  One girl is inexplicably required to wear an Eve costume which includes #1 hair extensions #2 Leafy undies. This brings me to...

CORINNE. We really don't need to discuss much about this group date that doesn't involve Corinne. She gets to wear a bridal bikini for her photo shoot, but that pales in comparison to the topless Eve get-up. She's instantly jealous. It's not fair that she has to wear a string bikini top when another girl gets to have fake hair covering up her nipples. Is there no justice in this world? First the genocide in South Sudan and now this?

What follows is a pathetic display of thirsty girls trying to mouth rape Nick, but Corinne takes the pathetic cake when she decides to remove her bikini top during their swimming pool photo shoot (in front of all the other girls) and force Nick to place his hands on her boobies. Does this really work? All those years that I was getting rejected by men... all I had to do was schedule a photo shoot, take my top off, and try to do a poor man's version of the Janet Jackson Rollingstone cover??

I know I may be in the minority here, but I do not find Corinne the least bit attractive. She looks like an uglier version of Stassi from Vanderpump Rules meets an uglier version of Ivanka Trump. She has no jawline. Her mouth gives me serious fraggle vibes.
The other girls are both embarrassed by Corinne's actions and jealous. Should they be taking their tops off now, too? To add salt in the "Hillary lost the election" wound, the creepy photographer declares Corinne the winner of the photo shoot and she gets to spend "extra" time with Nick, which is actually two extra minutes of them posing in a convertible in front of the other contestants.
Let's talk about this photographer though. Either this is James Franco in the role of a lifetime or this dude definitely has a hard drive overflowing with kiddie porn. Where did ABC find him? Does Neil Lane know how to use a camera? Can't he just show up in every episode? This photographer definitely goes to malls to find unsuspecting women that he can lure to his photo studio, so that he can rape and murder them and then do the mannequin challenge with their dead corpses.

During the cocktail party, the girls continue to get frustrated with Corinne and the fact that she keeps interrupting them to talk to Nick. She gets on her soap box and declares to the ladies that things are going to get weird and uncomfortable (think that ship sailed when she took her top off) and that she's not here to make friends, blah blah. My favorite part of the group date is when Taylor (the hot mental health counselor) and Nick get interrupted by Corinne. Taylor walks away and then a few minutes later decides to heed Chris Harrison's advice and interrupt Nick and Corinne.

This occurs after Corinne has already announced to the contestants that they need to be aggressive, etc but that only applies when it works out in her favor. Corinne begins to pout about getting "re-interrupted." I don't think she understands how the prefix "re" works. Bitch, you got interrupted. You would have needed to get interrupted twice in order to be "re-interrupted." That said, I think the title of Corinne's post-Bachelor memoir should be "Girl, Re-interrupted."

I'm sure every woman across America was holding their breath, hoping that Nick would give the group date rose to Taylor (who I'm into, but she's only 23. When you're that gorgeous, it's a cardinal sin NOT to get as much D as possible before getting married) BUT because we now live in Trump's America, the girl who took her top off was rewarded with the rose. I want to believe that this was for the sake of more conflict. I really want to believe that Nick was forced by producers to make this choice. I really don't want to see him as a horny fourteen year old boy who loses all perspective after going to second base with someone. It's always fascinating how quickly the Bachelor or Bachelorette becomes truly reprehensible.

Danielle M gets the first one on one date of the season and it's so boring, I can write about it in a paragraph. She's definitely the "wifey" of the contestants. She's very pretty and sweet. The other girls say she's the nicest person ever and they are genuinely happy that she's getting the first one on one date. She's also from Nick's hometown. Danielle M has everything going for her... and we even see traces of a personality when she gets all giddy and nervous about her date with Nick. They get to take a helicopter (YASSSSS! First one of the season!) to Newport Beach. The helicopter lands on a yacht. They go out to dinner. The night ends with Danielle M telling Nick that she has a ...  drum roll, please... dead fiancé!!! He overdosed on drugs and she didn't even know he was a drug addict (I'm sorry, how are you engaged to someone and not figure that shit out?) Do you guys remember when we used to get really sad for people on this show who had dead fiancés? I'm so so desensitized now. I'm only gonna waste my time getting sad for people with five dead fiancés. Nick tells Danielle that her dead ex isn't a turn off for him. In fact, it makes him like her more. She gets a rose. The end.

Back at the house, Liz decides that she can't keep the secret that she banged Nick any longer. She decides to share it with Christen (AKA the token virgin). Christen is truly shocked that Liz was the maid of honor at Jade's wedding and that she's already seen and felt Nick's penis. But Christen promises she won't say anything to anyone about it. Christen's sole purpose on the show is to listen to other people speak and open her mouth wide in shock. 

The next group date is EXCRUCIATING. Nick and the girls go to the museum of Broken Relationships (I've been wanting to visit this place for the blow off, but now i'm not so sure). The museum exhibit includes souvenirs of relationships that didn't work out. Nick tasks the girls with finding his contribution to the museum. It doesn't take them long to find a dead rose and the engagement ring he picked out for Kaitlyn. I really hope that Chris Harrison organizes a heist with his eleven closest friends and they steal the ring! Spin off!

The girls on this group date prove to be the stupidest women on earth when they think they're witnessing a real fight between a real couple at the museum. It's not a real fight. These are actors. BAD actors. Actors that probably still think they have a chance after watching La La Land. Once the fight ends, they're all greeted by the museum director who reveals the fight was fake (NO SHIT) and says that they'll each be "breaking up" with Nick in front of an audience. We get mostly benign and awkward play acting like the Russian dental hygienist who dumps Nick for not flossing. Thank you to Buzzfeed and CNN for making me realize that the Russian TOTALLY peed on Donald Trump and she's now in America to blackmail him. She's totally gonna get to be the next bachelorette.

And then it's Liz's turn to break up with Nick. She's been an emotional wreck throughout the entire group date, because she gets the sense that Strictly Nickly is ignoring her. And she's right. He's ignoring her, because no one wants to deal with a one night stand with a really ugly back tattoo. Liz's fake break up with Nick is one of the most cringe-worthy moments I've ever seen on this show. For starters, she's written it down... and then she goes into great detail about them meeting at Jade and Tanner's wedding and how she felt like Nick didn't fight for her. OMG. What is wrong with this girl? She went from the cool chick who didn't bother giving him her number to the earnest stage five "why didn't you fight for me?" clinger. Also, you can't expect a one night stand to fight for you. That's the kind of shit you say to a boyfriend of at least three years. All of the girls are completely confused by Liz's very detailed, fake, made-up story. NONE Of them assume that perhaps Nick and Liz actually did meet at Jade and Tanner's wedding. I don't get it. Why are they so dumb? They are die-hard Bachelor fans. Jade and Tanner's wedding was televised. They should remember Liz from watching it. The only person who actually knows what's going on is Christen and she looks like her hymen might spontaneously combust from the shock of it all.

During the cocktail party portion of the date, Christen and Nick get alone time and Christen divulges the fact that she knows that Liz has already been penetrated by Nick. She kept that secret for approximately one day. This makes Nick very uncomfortable. He doesn't want the rest of the girls thinking that he lied to them. He has 20+ other ladies here that he'd like to bone. Why waste time with a used vagina? He needs to get rid of Liz. The sheer sight of her makes him uncomfortable. In fact, he's even questioning her intentions. Did she just see this as an opportunity to come on television? YES. Did the producers pay her tons of money to be on the show? DOUBLE YES. Nick decides to confront Liz about why she went from not wanting to see him again to leaving her entire life as a doula and becoming a contestant on The Bachelor. She rambles a response that makes absolutely no sense. All the while, Nick decides that she's not nearly as hot when A) he's not drunk B) she doesn't have her maid of honor hair and make up done,  and that C) if they'd done it doggy style-- he would have gotten a good look at her back tattoo and known not to ask for her number. He tells Liz it's best that she go home and I get seriously sad when I see her wander through the Hollywood and Highland center by herself. That place is so depressing and that underground parking garage is a beast. She's probably still down there looking for the limo to take her home.

Stray observations:

I'm actually really liking Raven from Hoxie, Arkansas. She seems surprisingly thoughtful and even though she wore daisy dukes last week that showed her vagina, she was opposed to girls who take their tops off to get a man's attention. It even made her question Nick when she said that it makes sense that he's looking for love for the fourth time. I predict she will end up being a fan favorite.

Josephine (the quirky girl from Santa Cruz) may also surprise us. She's looked gorgeous on the break up group date AND she has something none of the other girls in the house have. A personality. I think she could make it pretty far.

Not enough Rachel in this episode.

FAR TOO LITTLE Chris Harrison.

I still hate it when an episode doesn't end with a rose ceremony.

Alexis is dolphinetely my favorite after she celebrated the one year old birthday of her fake boobs. Amazing.

1 comment:

  1. You mean celebrated their "one years old" birthday? 😂😂😂 awesome recap as always! 👍