Wednesday, January 18, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

The episode kicks off with a pre-rose ceremony cocktail. Slick Nick arrives to fill the girls in on the Liz situation. He wants to be honest with them, because he's a stand up guy. The truth is, he met Liz at a mutual friend's wedding (Jade and Tanner AKA the homecoming king and queen of Bachelor in Paradise) and they got really drunk and bumped uglies (side note: Nick is a slut). The next morning, Nick asked to exchange numbers (which is just standard post-boning etiquette), but Liz wasn't interested. Next thing he knew, she showed up on The Bachelor-- and Nick had no choice but to do what most men do after a one night stand-- he sent her home so that he would never have to see her again.

Let's be clear: Liz gave off creepy stalker vibes. Let's be more clear: the producers of the show scouted her and begged her to be a contestant. She did not just go through the normal channels to get on TV. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they started creating this narrative at Janner's wedding. The ladies are happy that Nick came clean with them, and that he's here for the right reasons: new vagina.

Corinne (AKA Fraggle) is really upset that Liz and Nick went all the way, and decides that she needs to be penetrated by Nick as well. Naturally, she wears skimpy lingerie and throws on a trench coat, determined to seduce Nick. Has any woman in real life ever done the lingerie under a trench coat gag? This only happens on television, right? The closest I've ever gotten to it is the "cotton underwear under my clothing" gag.

We are subjected to a sequence of Nick and Fraggle making out, while squirting whip cream into each other's mouths. Nick also licks whip cream off her boobs. I hate how he reverts to a 14 year old boy any time he's around her. Did the whip cream bottle consent to this? If Corinne's nanny were there, would she be the one squirting whip cream in their mouths? Do all men find this kind of behavior attractive? If so, then I am sad for humanity. What is going to happen when Nick's little sister Bella watches the show? She will never be able to eat an ice cream sundae again! This is going to weigh heavily on my mind, while I attend the Women's March in LA on Saturday.

After Corinne flashes her naked boobs at Nick, they get interrupted by Jasmine (AKA the professional dancer/NBA cheerleader). Nick has to make the difficult decision to stand up and follow Jasmine when we all know he has a huge erection. Corinne is so distraught that she didn't get a chance to have sex with Nick in the driveway of the dilapidated Bachelor house that she leaves and bursts into tears.

After her emotional meltdown, she decides to go to sleep and skip the rose ceremony all together. Here's where I can actually get on board with Corinne. Apparently, those rose ceremonies take FOREVER to film. She already has a rose. Why stand around in high heels and a trench coat, when you could go to bed and finally release the farts you've been holding all day?

The other woman in the house who has a lot of sexual chemistry with Nick is Danielle (AKA Dem Titties). I don't know anything about Danielle except that she sported a shit-ton of cleavage in the first episode. Nick may as well give her a key to the fantasy suite now, because it's super obvious he is not going to get rid of her until he can experience what it's like to ejaculate on Dem Titties. Danielle seems nice enough, but she also gives me amateur porn star vibes. Like, I'm pretty sure if you go to Porn Hub and search the word "scissoring," there will be a video of Danielle in a poorly lit bedroom suddenly making out with her stepsister.

Here is a picture I took of Danielle without her makeup on.
Danielle on the right. She's basically unrecognizable.
The most shocking part of the rose ceremony was that Nick did not give a rose to Hailey (AKA the hot Canadian). They seemed to have chemistry and she also provided the show with humorous commentary. I am sad to see her go, but I'm sure ABC will get her Visa squared away in time for Bachelor in Paradise.

The following day (I think), the girls completely lose their shit when the Backstreet Boys show up at the house.
 I was more of an NSYNC girl myself (and even then I only liked them in an ironic way), but I was thoroughly amused by this sequence-- especially when they sang an acapella version of their hit song, I Want it That Way, which is dolphinetely about anal sex. We learn that the group date will entail being backup dancers at a Backstreet Boys concert. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. These guys used to be SO famous. Now they're reduced to whoring themselves out on episodes of The Bachelor. Also, they look like they're the same age as Chris Harrison. I'm already forced to feel sad for the current state of feminism, while watching this show. I don't have room in my heart to feel bad for the declining fame status of boy bands circa 1999.

The girls are very excited about this group date except for Fraggle, because she has no rhythm and doesn't know how to dance. But Jasmine, the professional dancer, is totally in her element. This is her chance to shine and win Nick's heart. The ladies arrive at a studio to rehearse with the group, and in a shocking move-- none of them instantly quit the show after seeing Nick in his very fem Fabletics work out gear. To all the straight men reading this: Do NOT try to make a fashion statement with your work out clothes.

Before this season, I'd become a Nick convert. I loved him on Bachelor in Paradise and was psyched that he was going to be the next bachelor. I like that he seems somewhat rational and down to earth, but lately the douche vibes are coming through really strong. This is not a guy women should be fighting for. This is a guy who has a record of immediately getting dumped by women right after they have sex with him. This is a guy who can't stop smiling when he's supposed to be serious. This is a guy who waxes his chest. We need to do better, America.

After Nick and his harem perform, the Backstreet Boys choose which of the women was the best dancer. They pick... Danielle. That's right. Dem Titties, the small business owner, was a better dancer than Jasmine-- the professional dancer. This is insane. WTF. Black women cannot get a break on this show! Danielle's reward is getting to slow dance with Nick on stage in front of all the other contestants. The ladies have to watch as the Backstreet Boys serenade Nick and Dem Titties, while the two of them make out. Corinne is distraught when she realizes that she now has some serious competition.

During the nighttime portion of the group date, Corinne reveals to the other girls that she has a nanny named Raquel who brings her cucumber slices and knows how to make cheese pasta. Question: is cheese pasta the same thing as mac and cheese? Someone please explain. The other contestants are already fed up with Corinne's aggressively slutty ways and have no time for a grown ass woman with a nanny. Personally, I am beginning to think that Fraggle is an evil genius, because an episode where Nick visits her hometown and meets her nanny will be great television. She basically secured her spot in the final four.

In a move that surprises no one, Strictly Nickly gives the group date rose to Dem Titties.

The next one on one date may be my favorite in Bachelor history. Nick takes Vanessa (a wifey-- the French Canadian with the great rack) on a Zero G flight where they get to experience zero gravity (hence the name of the company). They careen through the air in their super cute navy jumpsuits and matching yellow socks. They float around and make out and it's adorable and romantic. This was, however, a missed opportunity for ABC to do a Passengers movie tie-in. What this season really needs is more blatant product placement!

Speaking of which, I went on the Zero G website and it costs $5,000+ to book one of their flights. In the end, the date is not the best endorsement of their service, because Vanessa barfs her guts out. BUT this may have had nothing to do with the flight. It may have been a side effect of Nick making out with her, while chewing gum. I would literally prefer to be defecated on than kiss someone who has gum in their mouth. Gum is so gross. I dream of one day moving to Singapore where gum is illegal.

The nighttime portion of the date takes an odd turn when, over dinner, Vanessa opens up about losing her grandpa a few weeks before appearing on the show. She makes some weird analogy between riding in a limo and holding a red rose at gramps's funeral and being a contestant on The Bachelor. I'm not sure what her point is. What's the correlation between losing a loved one and appearing on a degrading reality TV show? The whole thing is awkward, but none of this matters, because Vanessa teaches special needs children, speaks 10 languages, and has hair that would make Connie Britton green with envy. And she has huge boobies. She's a lock.

My fave thing about Vanessa is that she's 29  (85 in Bachelor years), which is actually an acceptable age to consider settling down. Nick is 36. The other contestants were born in 1994. Think about that for a second.

The next group date is my least favorite, because it involves sports and former Olympic athletes that should have more going on in their lives than appearing on episodes of The Bachelor that include relay races where the object is to grab a giant fake engagement ring and race to a hot tub to get alone time with Nick. The most dramatic part of this date is that Astrid's breasts are extra bouncy.

By the end of the competition, Rachel (my fave), Alexis (Dolphin lover), and Astrid (bouncy boobs) are the three women left standing. They race to the engagement ring. Rachel takes the lead. Astrid falls behind, because boobs. BUT in a stunning turn of events, Rachel drops the ring, and Astrid comes up from behind to get in the hot tub with Nick. They make out in front of everyone. This is yet ANOTHER example of a black contestant totally getting the shaft and on Martin Luther King Jr day no less. This show is more racist than one of those strange white working class people I never knew existed until the election.

Things go from bad to worse for minorities when Dominique (who? No idea) decides that Nick didn't give her a chance during the group date and ignored her. In Nick's defense, he probably had no idea whether she was a contestant on the show or a production assistant. She starts melting down and Rachel tells her to play it cool and be herself. Well, Dominique takes this to mean that she should confront Nick and make him feel bad for not paying attention to her. Has she never seen this show? Things NEVER work out for the person who says anything to the Bachelor other than "I could see myself falling in love with you" or "You're an amazing person" or "I'll let you put it in my butt."

Dominique comes off looking insane and pathetic, which in turn makes Nick look smart and respectable for cutting her loose and sending her home in the middle of the date. All is not lost on the diversity front though, because Nick and Rachel make out and she gets the group date rose! WOOT WOOT! Please let this mean that she will make it to the hometown portion of this season, so that we can actually see a black family for once. Please let us not find out that she's actually adopted and that her entire family is white.

Once back at the house, the ladies receive the tragic news that the cocktail party is cancelled... but Nick wants to have a pool party instead! Of course he does! I have never seen that many blurred out asses in one episode of The Bachelor. With the help of production, Corrine manages to get a jumpy house delivered to the "mansion" and decides she's going to seduce Nick again. Just watching Fraggle and Nick make out makes me feel like I've contracted syphilis. They're so gross. Proof:
The other girls watch the make out session and none of them are sure they can love a man who loves a skanky fraggle.

Raven decides to tell Nick that he needs to steer clear of Corinne, because she has a nanny. Raven breaks the startling news to Nick that the nanny does everything for her and that Corinne does not know how to... CLEAN A SPOON. This does not bother Nick, because #1 There's a reason plastic spoons exist and #2 He has no intention of marrying Fraggle Face. He just wants to hump.

The episode ends with Wifey Vanessa calling Nick out for grinding on Corinne. She wants to know if Nick is looking for a wife or someone to fuck around with. Cause if he wants someone to fuck around with, Vanessa wants to go home. This is usually a risky move, but Vanessa is white enough and pretty enough that she'll be able to get away with it. 

Stray observations:

-Chris Harrison's look has been on point this season. He's looking damn fine lately. I'm not joking, people. Check out this picture I dug up on the internets. He's actually hot.
-Taylor is still too pretty to be on this show. She's like the Halle Berry of Bachelor contestants. I predict every man will be fighting over her on Bachelor in Paradise. She will be the girl that arrives later in the season and breaks up already established relationships.

-I actually thought Josephine might be the dark horse last week, but then I saw the end credits where she sang that really weird and stupid song for Nick, and I've changed my mind. She needs to move to Mesa Verde and hang out with Ashley S.


  1. I've totally worn lingerie under a trench coat. shhhh. Love this as always

  2. I had the exact same change of heart with Josephine. Why did she have to have the "I think I can sing" disease?