Wednesday, January 25, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Episode 4

Welcome to the fourth installment of The Bachelorette auditions! The episode picks up where it left off last week with Vanessa putting Nick on blast for humping Corinne in a bouncy house. She basically says if Nicholas (she's the type that would totally call him Nicholas if they end up together) just wants to fuck around, then she wishes that he didn't give her a rose. Nick reassures her by telling her to keep her eye on the prize. Let's get real for a second. If Vanessa was slightly less attractive and didn't have such a great rack, Nick would have given her the boot after this conversation. This is what I'd like to call #GorgeousWomenPrivilege. When you look like Vanessa, you are allowed to nag and scold and lecture without any repercussions.

Vanessa, you are not invited to my Average Looking Women's March. You're also not invited to my Women With No Self Esteem March. 

Meanwhile, Taylor and Sarah (who looks like the oldest daughter on Modern Family if the oldest daughter on Modern Family spilled food coloring all over her face) decide to confront Corinne about the bouncy house. The rest of the ladies aren't happy. They call Corinne entitled. Corinne admits she's not everyone's cup of tea. 

I am not entirely convinced that Corinne is a real person. She's CGI. She's motion capture. I think the girls are all actually talking to Zoe Saldana or Andy Serkis in a green body suit, and once the season wrapped, the editors replaced them with CGI Corinne. During her interview, Corinne gives this advice to the rest of the ladies: You Do You. I'm Gonna do me. Coincidentally, this was also the slogan for Masturbation Awareness month.

At the rose ceremony, the women are upset that Corinne gets a rose. This means Brittany (the girl who dressed like Eve in episode 2) and Christen (who ends the season with lower lashes that makes her look like a kewpie doll) are sent home. They leave, tearfully wondering when and how they're ever going to find love (try Hinge!) Their reaction is identical to the one I had on election night.
The next day, Chris Harrison arrives to share the good news that the women are being evacuated out of the Bachelor mansion, because it's a biohazard, and they're traveling to... Wauke$ha, Wisconsin where Nick grew up. Someone explain to me why ABC won't at least pony up for a new exterior paint job on Casa Chez Bachelor.  This is the real reason Corinne had to get a bouncy house. It's the only safe shelter on the premises.

The first thing Nick does in Wisconsin is meet his parents for lunch. This is literally the third time we've seen his parents, and I have absolutely no recollection of ever seeing his dad. But that doesn't matter, because Nick's mom outshines him. When did she get so hip? I'm kind of digging her androgynous Charlize Theron haircut and the nose ring. I am thirty-six and I've had a nose ring since I was twenty-two. I was embarrassed by this fact until I saw Nick's 50something mom sporting a stud in her nose. She's paving the way for the rest of us who are too old for body piercings.

I don't really remember much about the conversation with his mom and dad.  I know they start to cry any time they think about Nick getting hurt again. I really appreciate the fact that these conversations are about a thirty-six year old, as opposed to last season when we were watching twenty-seven year old Ben hunt for a wife. Of the remaining contestants, there are only two who are in their thirties: Danielle M (the one with the dead fiancé) and Rachel (potentially our first black bachelorette). It's no coincidence that they also seem to be the most stable and normal of the bunch. The rest of the remaining contestants are 7+ years younger than Nick which is gross, but I guess he wants to make sure they're as fertile as possible. 

It's no surprise when Danielle L (Dem Titties) gets the first one on one date of the episode. I'm pretty sure when Nick goes home after a day of filming, Dem Titties is the one he thinks about when he rubs one out. I still don't understand her appeal, aside from the fashion trend she's started by wearing her dresses backwards to showcase dem titties. Her makeup gives me drag queen vibes and she hasn't shown any signs of having a personality despite her ability to giggle. My nine week old is more complex than she is. 

Slick Nick decides to take Dem Titties on a tour of WauKe$ha. Their first stop is the local bakery where they sell cookies of Nick. I'm immediately obsessed with the girl who works behind the counter. Maybe it's her dry sarcastic wit, but I'm hoping that she becomes Nick's confidante throughout the season until he realizes that love was staring him in the face the whole time. If this were a movie, she would be played by Anna Kendrick and it would end with her removing her glasses and becoming beautiful. Nick would ask her to marry him and they'd live happily ever after. 

After the bakery, Nick and Dem Titties stroll through town and "coincidentally" run into his ex-girlfriend who just happens to be sitting in the window of a cafe and is probably conveniently mic'd so that we can perfectly hear what she says when they say hello to each other. I checked with my Wisconsin experts and WauKe$ha is NOT a small town. It's the 7th largest city in the state with a population of 70K. This whole sequence is what I like to call #AlternativeFacts. They decide to hang out with the ex-girlfriend who seems to have more spark and personality than any of the contestants on the show. I do not know what they discussed, because I was too busy refusing to be fooled by ABC.

At some point, Nick and Dem Titties hang out in a field where he apparently lost his virginity and she giggles and tells him she used to be a prude and they make out. 

During the evening portion of their date, Dem Titties opens up to Nick about her parent's divorce. This is what happens when you don't have a dead fiancé, a parent who just died of a terminal illness, or a grandpa whose funeral was weeks before the show. You have to try to pretend you are still coping with your mom and dad's divorce that occurred when you were in high school. Part of me wants to feel bad for Danielle, but part of me also can't forgive her inflicting her ombre hair on my eyes.

This is the date that NEVER ends, because we still have to watch Nick surprise her by taking her to the Chris Lane concert (WHO?) where they slow dance to a song that makes 3 Doors Down sound like the second-coming of Led Zeppelin. Nick's hotness quotient plummets when I realize he has terrible taste in music.

The group date is even worse. The ladies meet Nick at a farm and coo as he bottle feeds a baby cow. Understand this: Nick could be getting head from that baby cow and these ladies would still think it was the sweetest thing ever. We learn that Nick had family friends with a farm that he visited growing up (probably once), but the producers had to find a way to attach personal meaning to this date. That's like me going to a farm and saying "I read Charlotte's Web in third grade, so farms have really been a big part of my life." 

A strange thing happens on this date. I start to really like Corinne. And not just in an ironic way. I'm kind of on her side the whole time. I wouldn't want to shovel shit or milk cows on a date either. I would also be happy to not be wearing designer shoes on this date. I would also be extolling the virtues of sushi. I would also find a safe place to sit away from the stench of cow dung mixed with the scent of the Sephora perfume section, by lying about having a circulation issue with my hands. I'll admit she sort of loses me later when she makes her corn analogy. She explains that she is like a corn husk. You have to peel away her layers to discover pellets of information that are juicy and buttery. Someone needs to remind Corinne that corn is iconic for one thing: staying in your poop.

The claws really come out during the cocktail party portion of the date. Everyone hates Corinne, but what's telling is that the #1 reason they hate her guts is not the bouncy house or the exposed boobs... it's that she didn't show up to a rose ceremony. Holy shit, these rose ceremonies must be physical and psychological torture. The rest of the contestants think that Corinne's inability to suffer through a rose ceremony must mean she can't do life. Meanwhile, Corinna calls them out for throwing shade.

But Christina (AKA Russian Spy moonlighting as a dental hygienist) is especially critical of Corinne. She tells her that she's brave and walked into the lion's den (She's totally gonna recruit her to be a spy). Then she tells her that history always repeats itself. Um, is she talking about the rose ceremony or the cold war? I'm confused. The Russian also tells Nick that she has something from her past that she'd like to tell him about (she peed on Donald Trump), but she doesn't have time to go into the whole story on a group date. Only a member of the KGB would be this smart. She just secured herself a one on one date AND she gets the group date rose. I would not be surprised if Putin is blackmailing Chris Harrison and the next season of Bachelor in Paradise takes place in a gulag.

During her interview, Corinne proves that she is mature by grabbing her boobs, shoving them together, and bouncing them up and down.
Raven gets the next one on one date of the episode, and she may be the contestant that's surprised me most since the premiere. I didn't think I'd be able to get behind the girl who came from the fictional town of Hoxie and owned a "boutique" that looked like a portable classroom building. But she's actually funny and thoughtful and sincere. She's also twenty-five, so she still has no business husband hunting. 

The first stop on their date is going to Nick's little sister's soccer game. Raven gets to meet Nick's parents and they seem to like her. After Bella kicks some ass on the soccer field, they decide to go rollerskating. Bella is so gangsta that she's totally okay with appearing on TV and talking to Raven with a blue tongue. Sigh. I wish I had her confidence. While they dish about Nick, he creepily rollerskates past them. This is a red flag. Nick is an attention whore. Nick wants to be famous. Nick was actually pretty damn good in those Quantico spots. He may not be here for the right reasons. 

But the best part of the date is when Nick and Raven have dinner at the Milwaukee Arts Museum and Raven proceeds to tell the incredible story of how she caught her boyfriend cheating on her. I love how when a woman with a southern accent tells a story about kicking in a door and beating her boyfriend in the head with a stiletto, it just makes her sound charming and country. If I told someone this story, they would think I was Fatal Attraction crazy and would want to have nothing to do with me. Somehow Raven manages to make the whole thing sound like a catchy Carrie Underwood song. 
I give her ten points for honesty, but deduct 500 points for her outfit which is Westworld hooker meets Wet Seal in 1995.

I am so super jealous when they get to rollerskate/rollerblade through the museum. I am not at all joking when I say that this would be a dream date for me. Raven gets a rose and admits during her interview that she's falling in love with Nick.

The cocktail ceremony gets off to a rocky start when Dem Titties commits the cardinal Bachelor sin. She steals Nick away for alone time EVEN though she has a rose already. I get why the other girls are mad, especially because there's no way Dem Titties isn't already a lock for a fantasy suite date. She could wear turtlenecks for the rest of the season and not pencil in her eyebrows and Nick would still want to bone her.

Meanwhile, Taylor decides she needs to take the bull by the horns and get more time with Nick. This week's award for most awkward moment goes to the scene where Taylor freezes her ass off, as she waits to interrupt Nick and Dem Titties-- all while Dem Titties is explaining to Nick that she doesn't care about offending the other girls. The best part of this scene is watching Nick pretend like he's interested in anything that comes out of Dem Titties mouth.

Taylor and Nick cuddle and make out which officially makes her a real contender on the show. It also ups the rivalry between her and Corinne. After Corinne and Josephine pour their hearts out to each other, while stuffing copious amounts of pigs in a blanket in their mouths, we are treated to a showdown between Taylor and Corinne.What follows is Taylor explaining to Corinne that she's not ready to be married to a thirty-six year old man (look, neither is Taylor. She's twenty-three. She's stunning. She could catch so many Ds on Bachelor in Paradise). Corinne reminds her that she runs a multi-million dollar company. I looked into Corinne's company. It's Armor Garage which does flooring and epoxy. I'm pretty sure all she does is manage her dad's calendar, while tormenting Racquel for more cucumber slices. I hope Racquel knows that millions of women came out and marched for her last weekend. #FreeRacquel

Taylor goes on to say that Corinne has no emotional intelligence. And she doesn't, because she's CGI. I personally love Taylor's bitchiness. It's smart and calculated. She's totally unflappable. She completely gets under Corinne's skin. I don't know how I feel about this, because I now love Corinne BUT I am also mesmerized by Taylor's beauty.

Stray observations:

Has Nick ever looked into becoming a ventriloquist? It's crazy how he's able to speak without opening his mouth at all. I think he should get a dummy version of Neil Lane.

Why is Alexis only relegated to the closing credits? She's fantastic television. I love that her two fears are aliens and Nicolas Cage. I absolutely cannot wait for the group date that will inevitably involve dolphins. 

It was a bit transparent that the bisexual contestant was the only one who could work the teets on the cow during the group date.

What was with all the F bombs in this episode? It's a family show, ABC. Those cunts were swearing left and right.  

Best quote of the night: "We're fighting for a fiancé, not a pickle." -Corinne. (I would seriously have more respect for all of them if what they were fighting for was a pickle. Pickles are really good.)

That's it for this installment of the Bachelorette Auditions. Until next week when we bid good bye to Taylor after she and Corinne go head to head on a two on one date. Taylor doesn't stand a chance. This season needs Corinne. It's far too early to say good bye to her.

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