Tuesday, January 31, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

We pick up where we left off last week with Taylor explaining emotional intelligence to Fraggle Face. Corinne hates Taylor for being mean to her. Taylor hates Corinne for setting women back a hundred years. Both women are hopeful that the other won't get the rose from Nick.

In a move that surprises no one, Corinne and Taylor each get a rose. Did anyone else notice a continuity error during the rose ceremony? When Nick gives Corinne the rose, there's still 3-4 more roses left. But then, Chris Harrison walks in and says "Ladies, this is the final rose of the evening" and suddenly there's only one rose left. The editors are fucking with us!

Sarah and Astrid are both sent home. Sarah cries and says that all she wants in life is to find love and she doesn't know how to do that. I'm fairly certain she will receive another opportunity on Bachelor in Paradise and hopefully by then, she'll realize that her makeup has been the biggest obstacle between her and inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love.
Hot Rachel gets the first one on one date in New Orleans. She's my favorite contestant. She's gorgeous, levelheaded, and she's clearly on the show to break the race barrier by becoming the first African-American bachelorette. Nick and Rachel go on the quintessential sight-seeing date. They make out in a market, eat oysters and beignets, try on masks, and go see live music (which is strangely some indie rocker girl instead of, I don't know, a jazz band).

They are also celebrated by a second line parade. If it was any other girl on the date, I would have found this moment contrived and cheesy, but Nick and Rachel look so cute dancing together that I was literally clapping during this scene. I really want them to get married and have gorgeous mixed race babies.

During the evening portion of their date, we learn a little more about Rachel. Her parents have been married for 35+ years and her dad is a federal judge. Nick admits he's nervous to meet her father, mainly because he's already asked two other dad's for their daughter's hand in marriage. It's an honest admission and makes me fall in love with Strictly Nickly all over again. Maybe I just desperately need to believe in something, but the conversation between these two feels easy and comfortable and PLEASE DEAR GOD LET THEM END UP TOGETHER. Rachel also reveals to Nick that she's a very emotional person, even though she has a job where she's not allowed to show her emotions. She's a dental hygienist. haha, JK. She's a lawyer.

Rachel gets a rose and Nick says that he may be breaking the rules, but he's really into her. YASSSSS.

Back at the hotel, the girls use the very complicated process of elimination to find out who's going to be going on the two on one date. When the group date card arrives, Taylor and Corinne's names are missing from it-- which means they will compete for Nick's love.

The group date is so fucking ridiculous that I fast-forwarded through 95% of it. If you did not do the same, then you are a straight up sucker. All I know is that they went to a haunted plantation house (racists) where some eight year old girl named May died. There's a portrait of May hanging in the house. All she ever wanted was a doll or some shit like that. What's really sad is that based on the history of this franchise, the ghost of eight-year-old May has a better chance of becoming the next Bachelorette than a black woman.

The reason I skipped this date is that I HATE fake suspense. The show is asking me to believe that black outs and falling chandeliers are ghost-related and that Nick and the girls are legit at risk of being murdered by May. They're not. They're at a tourist attraction and they're being followed by a camera crew. No one is actually scared (except for maybe Canadian Vanessa who promised herself she would never play the Ouija board). The only people who would buy into this haunted house thing are:

PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR TRUMP.

Part of me hopes there was a reveal that May's the one who's alive and Nick and the ladies are the ones who have been dead all along, but I'm too lazy to hit rewind to see if that happened. I do remember that Danielle M (girl with the dead fiance) gets the group date rose. She hasn't had much screen time recently, but I would not rule her out as the winner of the show.  She's from Wisconsin, she's very cookie cutter, super white, and gets along with everyone. Her only flaw is that she drove her fiance to suicide... or was it a drug overdose? I forget.

Back at the hotel, Taylor and Fraggle prepare for their two on one date. I hope none of you drank every time you heard "emotional intelligence" uttered on the show, because you would have for sure died of alcohol poisoning. There shouldn't be an emotional intelligence debate when it comes to Corinne or any of the contestants. Emotional intelligence does not exist on this show. The producers would not have cast anyone with it. Emotionally intelligent people are watching The Bachelor and blogging about it, they are not appearing on it.

That said, I can totally get behind Corinne's prep for the two on one date. She puts on a mud mask, takes a bath, drinks champagne, and then orders copious amounts of room service. I guess after a lifetime of eating cucumber slices for lunch, it's only fair that she should finally get to eat five slices of cake and a plate of cheese pasta.

Meanwhile, Taylor decides to meditate and do aroma therapy. This is the moment I realize that I don't like Taylor. Initially, I was captivated by her beauty and the calm and collected way she confronted Corinne, but now I'm realizing that Taylor's a wet blanket. She doesn't crack jokes or smile or laugh at all. This will come back to haunt her, because if you survey a million men, then I promise at least 999,999 will say the #1 thing they want in a girl is someone who's "fun." It's literally all that matters to dudes. Nick looks at Taylor and he sees someone who is going to continuously point out all the ways he's inferior.

The two on one date takes place on the bayou. Nick and the ladies take a boat into the swampland where they're greeted by a tarot card reader. While Taylor gets her cards read, Corinne takes Nick aside and tells him...

Taylor is mean.
Taylor called her stupid.
She acts different in front of him than she does with the girls.
She's not here for the right reasons.
Corinne to Taylor
 Nick asks Taylor if any of this is true and she says that she never called Corinne stupid. She merely questioned her emotional intelligence, not her intelligence intelligence.

Corinne fights back by getting a voodoo doll from the tarot card lady and poking a needle in it. This would be the perfect moment for the 13 Going on 30 spell on Corinne to be lifted and for her to go back to being a teen girl, but that doesn't happen.

When it comes time to give out the rose, I'm certain that Corinne will get it. Why? Because we are now living in Trump's America. Think about it. Taylor is calm, collected, smart, well-educated, she also happens to be mixed race. Corinne has no filter, can't handle criticism, looks like she might be made out of claymation, brags about how much money she has, says her butt is too good for the swamp, and has very tiny hands. This is like choosing between the female Obama and the female Trump and Nick chooses the female Trump. Side note, if Ivanka and Tiffany Trump had a baby, it would look exactly like Corinne.

Nick and Female Trump leave on the boat, and Taylor gets stranded on the bayou. But then a strange thing happens. She decides to explore the swamp and participate in an odd voodoo ceremony with the tarot card reader and some other mystical friends. After the ceremony, she takes action and uses her new psychic powers to track down Nick and Corinne at dinner (AKA the producers drove her there). Nick and Corinne are shocked to see that she found her way home from the swamp. What will Taylor say? What will Nick do? Will Corinne's voodoo doll save the day? The answers to those questions and more next week.

Stray observations:

Who is Whitney? Has she ever spoken this season?

Once again, the best moment of the episode was during the closing credits when Nick chases around Alexis in a Nicolas Cage mask.

How much do you guys want to bet that Racquel the nanny booked a flight to New Orleans as soon as this episode aired to get herself one of those voodoo dolls? Corinne best watch her back!

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