Tuesday, February 7, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

I have no time for a proper 10,000 word recap today, so I'm going to try to stick to the highlights. I am gonna pull a Chris Harrison and say that this is the most unpredictable season of The Bachelor ever. Seriously, there was some shit that happened in this episode that I did NOT see coming.

Corrine 4-Eva
Taylor Dame interrupts Nick and Fraggle's date to tell Nick that Fraggle is a liar. She claims that Fraggle made her out to look like a bully. Nick is nice to Taylor, but he does not send Fraggle home. A couple observations: #1 if any more adult women bitch and moan about bullying, I'm going to vomit out of every orifice of my body. If you are over the age of eighteen, you are no longer allowed to complain about bullying. Aiight? #2 I may consider no longer being an Atheist, because if anything makes me believe in God, it's the fact that Corinne will continue to be on my television.

Side note, Chris Harrison calls this the most dramatic two on one date ever-- but we all know THIS was the most dramatic two on one date ever.
Gone Too Soon
At the rose ceremony, we lose the bi-sexual, the dolphin lover (HUGE loss. I hope she gets to play with dolphins on Bachelor In Paradise. Imagine her on a date with Canadian Daniel!), and Josephine. No one care because the remaining contestants get to go to St. Thomas!

Orphan Red
The Russian gets the first one on one date. She says she's never been on a puddle jumper airplane, and I believe her, because she spends all of her time on submarines doing Russian spy things. She basically secures herself a hometown date by telling Nick her sad story about getting kicked out of the house when she was five by her Russian mom and living in an orphanage until she got adopted and moved to America. I would be sad about this story if I believed a word that came out of Russian's mouth. Putin told her to pretend that she lived off of lipstick as a child. Lies and treason aside, the Russian is really growing on me. I feel like she's here for the right reasons (only if the right reasons are leaking the video of Donald Trump and those Russian hookers peeing on each other).

The Great Beach Volleyball Revolt
I've seen some pretty shitty group dates in my time.  Like, when the girls on Ben F's season had to go skiing in their bikinis. Or when the girls on Farmer Chris's season had to ride tractors in their bikinis. But NOTHING is worse than a group of women being forced to play beach volleyball in their bikinis! At least that's what the women on the group date would have us believe. They hate this group date. They don't want to be forced to play a game of beach volleyball, while Nick just stands there and gawks at them.  So they all quit the game and retire to various corners of the beach where they can hug their knees to their chest and talk about how hard this whole process is.

Oh, I'm sorry ladies. You're having a hard time drinking shots, hanging out in St. Thomas, and tapping a ball with your hands over a net? You should totally complain about that to the three women who were held in Ariel Castro's basement for a decade. #Perspective

It's like none of these women have ever seen an episode of The Bachelor. I personally would love being on a group date. But I'd be the one girl who was super annoyed that Nick was there. Like, when you're hanging out with your girlfriends and that one lame member of the group decides to bring her boyfriend or husband along, and you're like I THOUGHT IT WAS GIRLS ONLY and you're subtly shooting death stares at the lone male the whole time being super annoyed that you can't talk about yeast infections and that one time you did anal and regretted it.

The Chokie
There have been some awkward downfalls over the years on this franchise, but Jasmine's spiral may take the cake. She spends the entire episode feeling sorry for herself, because she hasn't gotten a one on one date. This is where I feel like the Russian should be like: "I used to eat lipstick! Shut up!" Jasmine doesn't understand why all the other girls are getting reassured by Nick with solo dates and group date roses. Has she seen this show before? Everyone knows that if you don't get a one on one date or a rose on a group date, it means the bachelor doesn't like you. He's certainly not going to propose marriage to you. Not to mention that Jasmine is a POC. Minorities do TERRIBLY on this show. She's been allowed to stay this long to give off the illusion that the producers of this show aren't racist.

Things go from bad to awful, when Jasmine decides to confront Nick about the way he's treating her compared to the other women. Look, I'm not one to say that women need to act a certain way to get a guy to like them but it's probably not a good idea to tell them they make you so mad that you want to choke them. Yup. Jasmine tells Nick she wants to give him a "chokie" about five times, while putting her hand around his neck. It's goes from straight up hostile to oddly sexual to this:
Here's why I don't feel sorry for Jasmine and why I'm glad she got sent home. She suffers from "Insecure Cocky Girl" syndrome. This is when a woman decides to hide her insecurities by making super arrogant comments about herself. Example: "Why doesn't Nick ask me on a one on one date? I'm the most beautiful girl in the world!" or "how can he like these other women more than me, when I'm so much better than all of them?" Jasmine doesn't say either of these things, but she does say things like: "I know you notice me when I walk into a room," etc.

Nick is Racist
Jasmine is better off though, because when Nick gets alone time with Rachel (the last remaining person of color on the show) he uses the phrases "wig out" and "peace out" in the same sentence. He literally says to her, "I don't want you to wig out and then peace out." WHAT?

Dem Titties goes home?!?!
Dem Titties (AKA Danielle L.) and Whitney (who? Exactly) get the next two on one date. There is absolutely no tension on this date, because we all know that Dem Titties will get the rose over Whitney. The only person who's truly stunned by this is Whitney herself. I sort of get it. She's gorgeous, BUT this is literally the first time all season we've even seen her speak to Nick. Of course she's not getting the rose. I will say that I'm tired of the dramatic two on one departures. Taylor got left in the swamp, while Corinne and Nick sailed away. Whitney gets left on the beach, while Dem Titties and Nick fly off in a helicopter. I sort of wish the show would stop getting off on humiliating women (Hillary lost, haven't we been through enough?) and would take Whitney straight to a spa to get pampered or take her to volunteer in a children's hospital or play with sick puppies to show her that there's more to life than finding love with a career reality TV star.

I fast-forwarded through Nick's date with Dem Titties, because she bores me to tears. I miraculously hit play just when she tells Nick that she's falling in love with him and he's like-- me, not so much. You can go home now, Dem Titties.

I truly did not see this coming. I thought Dem Titties would be in the final two. I thought Nick was shallow enough to keep her around for the fantasy suite date. He actually tells her that he wanted her to be the one he proposes to at the end... but something changed. I'll tell you what changed. Titties can only hold your interest for so long. Danielle L has NO personality. Her vocabulary includes two words "Like" and "Thanks". Nick literally couldn't take another second of her. Hopefully, he'll run to the airport, take the first flight to Wauke$ha, Wisconsin and tell the girl at the bakery that he loves her.

Instead, he shows up at the hotel where the ladies are staying to cry in front of them, while lamenting that he doesn't think he's going to fall in love with any of them. And then he leaves.

It's dramatic AF. The women are stunned. There are six of them left over-- all completely different from each other. A Russian, a Hoxie, a French-Canadian, a black woman, a fraggle, and a boring blond woman with a dead fiance. If Nick can't find love with one of them, can he ever find love at all? We will find out next week!

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