Wednesday, February 15, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

If you are new to this blog, it might look like all we do is recap the Bachelor, but that wasn't always the case. There was a time I used to write about relationships. But then I went and had a baby and now I don't even have time to write a proper post about how we should all be embarrassed to celebrate Valentine's Day.
shameless plug for my baby boy.
Ahem: Valentine's Day is stupid. Babies are so cute, but hard to take care of. I still love my dog as much as I did before I had a baby.

Okay, now on to what's important.

The episode begins with the ladies roaming around their hotel room in Lululemon outfits with little to no makeup on. This is to drive home the point that they are super depressed. No, this episode was not filmed on November 9th. These girls are just upset, because Nick recently informed them that he's not sure he'll be able to fall in love this season. This has shaken them to their core. What if Nick quits and they all have to return to their lives of owning a makeshift boutique, being an assistant tooth janitor, or running a multi-million dollar company?

Guys, the only thing worse than fake news is FAKE DRAMA. Nick is not going to quit the show. He's contractually obligated to finish it. Do you really think ABC would be like-- this season we're only doing six episodes of The Bachelor, because Nick decided he wasn't going to find love? No. It's called ad revenue. Nick will get down on his knee and propose to someone if it kills him.

After he hashes it out with Chris Harrison (who looks mighty fine in island attire), Nick returns to the hotel and tells the ladies that he's changed his mind. They're also going to skip the rose ceremony and go to Bimini! The girls all cheer. Surprisingly, no one says: Where the fuck is Bimini?

Vanessa gets the first one on one date. I can't really put my finger on it, but there's something missing with Vanessa. She's absolutely stunning. Her body is ridiculous. But she seems a bit too polished and rehearsed. Even Corinne points out that all Vanessa talks about is the fact that she's Italian, likes to cook dinner with her family on Sundays, and teaches special ed kids. On paper, she seems great, but I feel like Nick is looking for someone with... a personality.  I would not be surprised if at the end of the season, we learn that Vanessa is a robot created by Anthony Hopkins.
They make out near an abandoned ship. Then, during dinner,Vanessa tells Nick that she's falling in love with him. Nick can't return the sentiment, because he wants to be 100% sure before he says it and because it goes against every clause in their contract. Plus, ABC realized what a douche move it was when Ben Higgins told two girls he was in love with each of them and decided to nix that maneuver. Vanessa is understandably upset, because JESUS CHRIST, LOOK AT HER. NO MAN HAS EVER DENIED HER.

Dead fiancé girl gets the next one on one date. Holy hell, this girl is so boring. I give Nick a lot of credit for not falling asleep on their date. This is me watching their date:
All I remember is that they go on a bike ride, she tells Nick she's falling for him, and that she wants to take him to her cabin in Wisconsin on their hometown date. I love how she casually dangles the fact that she has a cabin to entice him, but it doesn't work. Nick realizes that a Real Girl Doll is a better conversationalist than Danielle and sends her home. I feel slightly bad for her when she goes to the house to say good-bye to the other contestants. For those of you who do not know how this show works, I promise you that she is not crying over Nick. She's crying, because everyone knows that a person who gets eliminated before hometown dates never gets asked to be the next bachelorette. Danielle had everything going for her: a pretty face, a sweet demeanor, a tragic love story, and white skin... BUT the times they are a changin'.

Fraggle, Raven (not a nickname), and the Russian end up on the group date. They swim with sharks and the Russian starts crying, because she once killed a shark on a secret spy mission, and now she's scared the Shark's family has returned to get its revenge. Nick consoles her. Meanwhile, during the evening portion of the date, Corinne eats copious amounts of cheese to console herself over the fact that she's not getting enough time with Nick. How does she not worry about farting all night? If I was on The Bachelor, I would literally have to starve myself, because everything gives me gas.

But all the cheese in the world can't change the fact that Raven (I swear, it's her real name. No, she is not a stripper) gets the group date rose. This means Nick will be traveling far and wide to get to Hoxie, Arkansas to meet Raven's family. I'm a touch surprised by this decision. Sure, Raven has a personality-- but she's also kind of a butterface and she's really young. I have absolutely no recollection of what they did once they got alone time (did we even see it?), but later, Corinne decides that if she wants to get a hometown date, she's gonna have to put out.

I'm not worried about Corinne. She's a lock for the hometown date. ABC can't resist a scene between Racquel the Nanny and Nick. But Corinne decides to whore herself out anyway, because her "Vazhean is platinum". At this point, I turn to my husband and say: Corinne's vazhean is platinum. What's mine?

He says: "Something better than platinum?"

I'm cool with this answer, because he could have said "a used Ikea sofa someone bought off of  Craigslist?"
my cozy, affordable, and worn in vazhean
Nick is surprised to see Fraggle show up to his room late at night. He offers her a nightcap. They end up in his bedroom-- away from the cameras-- and Corinne tries to rape him, but Nick says no. He doesn't think sticking his penis in someone's platinum vazhean will be fair to the other ladies. Corinne leaves feeling humiliated. Hopefully she found a production assistant to bring her a plate of cucumber slices and cheese pasta to cheer her up.

Rachel gets the last one on one date with Nick and... none of this matters, because ABC already announced that after 33 seasons, she's going to be the first black bachelorette!!!!! We may be living in Trump's America, but we FINALLY have a black bachelorette. Which will hopefully also mean more diverse contestants (Rachel admitted to Nick that she's never brought a white guy home). This is exciting on so many levels. Here's what I said about Rachel in episode one:

I was super afraid that Nick was going to give her (Corinne) the first impression rose, but in a surprising move... he gives it to RACHEL-- making her the first African-American contestant to receive the first impression rose. That could mean a few different things: #1 Nick is not racist, #2 the producers put him up to it, b/c they need to make it seem like the show is not racist, or #3 they've already decided that Rachel is going to be the first black bachelorette (Please God, please. This is the best way to resist Trump's America). Either way, this made me fall in love with Nick all over again. It's super sad that we live in a world where this is even noteworthy or surprising, but this is Bachelor Nation we're talking about. It favors the white working class-- and by working class, I mean people whose career has the word "aspiring" in front of it.

If you want to read a smart person's assessment of what this all means, click here. I'm not exactly sure why ABC decided to make the announcement before Rachel was actually eliminated from the show. Maybe, because they knew the last couple of months have been hell and they needed to give us some semblance of hope? It doesn't matter why. The only thing I'm upset about is that I'm going to have to recap this shit again.

Yay Rachel! What a great finale to the Bachelorette Auditions.

In another move straight out of the resistance (I'm beginning to think this season is actually a subversive political statement), Nick decides that he needs to get rid of the Russian without subjecting her to a rose ceremony. I'm a bit bummed out about this breakup, because I was intrigued by the Russian's fake undercover family, but I've also never understood why she got this far to begin with. I'm sure Michael Flynn got on the phone with Chris Harrison and told him to make it happen. I suppose we'll never know. I don't feel too bad for Christina, because I know we will see her on Bachelor in Paradise where she will continue to infiltrate unsuspecting Americans. Hopefully Chris Harrison hasn't already peed on her, because it's probably on tape.

I can't wait till next week's hometown dates. Will Rachel's father (the federal judge) be played by Sidney Potier? Will the production crew build the fake town of Hoxie, Arkansas and hire enough extras to fill it in time? Will Racquel make Nick cucumber slices? Will Vanessa make Nick hang out with special ed kids? The answers to those questions and more next week!

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