Thursday, March 23, 2017

He Has A Girlfriend & the BLOW OFF

We've all been there. We meet a cute, sweet guy and he seems too good to be true. This is because he is. Things seem a little shady, but he has an explanation for everything and it rolls off his tongue so effortlessly. OK, so maybe we haven't ALL been there. Maybe I've been there more than the average girl. For some reason I'm drawn to what I can't have and even more alarming, guys with girlfriends seem incredibly drawn to me.

So about eight years ago, I was at bachelorette party in Ocean City, Maryland. How can I describe Ocean City if you've never been there? It's kind of like if the Jersey Shore and Fort Lauderdale had a baby. We go to a club awesomely called "Secrets." I literally never meet guys at bars. I always force myself to go out because I'm not gonna meet anyone in my bed (or at least not someone I'd probably want to meet). The last place I would ever expect to meet a guy is at Secrets in Ocean City. Yet somehow, I did.

I'm gonna go ahead and call him Bert. Bert was super cute and seemed sweet so I invited him back to our Bachelorette pad, a decision that did not go over so well with my friends. In retrospect, I was completely selfish and out of line. A bachelorette party is actually supposed to be all about the bride. So when the bride-to-be demanded that my new friends leave immediately, I should have been like oops, bye, have a nice life. Instead, I decided to storm out and get in the car with complete strangers. As they drove farther away from Ocean City, down deserted streets, I knew that I was going to be a Lifetime movie. I'd never get to tell my friend I was sorry for causing drama at her Bachelorette party. My poor parents would have to mourn my loss and the fact that they raised a complete moron. I imagined these guys dragging me bound and gagged into the woods. To my surprise, they pulled up to a lovely house where we proceeded to have a fun time at a totally normal party. I'm not sure if I watch too much Lifetime or if I just got really lucky, but my new friends were not serial killers, They were merely college frat boys.

I ended up sleeping at Bert's house. He was kind of shy, adorable and inexperienced. I should also mention he's about eight years my junior. I was the hot, older woman showing him things he'd never seen before. In the morning, he asked for my number. I asked him what the point was, being that we'd never see each other again. I don't know the actual statistics for Ocean City one night stands working out, but I'm guessing they aren't the highest. His adorable response was "that's a terrible thing to say."

Bert drove me back and we did end up exchanging phone numbers. He actually texted quite a bit after our initial encounter, giving me faith that perhaps the one night stand myth is truly a myth. Although we did lose touch after a while, I always remembered him fondly.

A few weeks ago, I was fairly surprised to receive a message from Bert saying he was coming to LA on business and would like to take me to dinner. I was actually truly excited to see him again and he kept saying sweet things like "I was completely dreading this trip, but now I'm really looking forward to it," or "I've kept your number for eight years and never forgot about you." After completing the obligatory Facebook research, it appeared as though Bert had a serious girlfriend. He told me that it was complicated and that he'd explain when he was here.

To make what could be a longer story shorter, Bert and I shared another fun night. We drank champagne, reminisced about our little tryst, how my friends yelled at him and how I feared he would kill me in a meadow. He told me that he and his girlfriend had in fact just broken up due to his new travel schedule. He said he couldn't understand how I was still single (that makes two of us). He said he'd be coming to LA about once a month and started planning our adventures. My Ocean City one night stand had suddenly turned into a two night stand with potential.

You can imagine my shock to discover a couple days later that he blocked me from his phone. In case you have ever wondered if you've been blocked, I did some research on the subject after becoming suspicious. For starters, my messages to him would always say "delivered" and then "read" after he read them. Additionally, he always responded to me. So when I saw that my message did not say delivered, I figured maybe his phone was off or he was out of service. After about a day, I asked my friend to randomly text him. It immediately said "delivered" and then "read." So I know this sounds a little nuts, but don't have either done this, would totally do this and/or are thanking me right now for this useful information. I have no shame, so I messaged him on Facebook asking if he actually blocked me from his phone. He responded with a cry face emoji and then..."I have to be really careful."

He has to be really careful because in case you haven't figured it out...he and his girlfriend never actually broke up. The only complicated thing about their relationship is that he wanted to get LAid (see what I did there). I told him he did not need to worry about me contacting him ever again. Because he is a douche. Look, I didn't really expect this to go anywhere, but he made such a point of telling me how much we would be seeing each other and how excited he was to reconnect. He blatantly lied to my face about his situation. There were no signs of guilt or uncertainty. He truly seemed to be the sweet, genuine guy I thought he was. It's not even just the fact that he has a girlfriend, lied about it and cheated her. Those things are awful, but it gets worse. He actually blocked my number. So basically he was either never going to talk to me again and led me to believe he fell off the face of the earth OR he'd conveniently unblock me when he returned to LA. Both options are equally appalling if you ask me.

So I guess there are a few morals to this story. One night stands in Ocean City do not lead to anything good. If it looks like a guy has a girlfriend, he probably does. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. If you attend a Bachelorette party, stick with your girls and be sure to make it all about the bride. In case you were wondering, my friends did forgive me for my atrocious behavior so there is that. Now I will remember Bert an asshole.


  1. God what a douchebag!! What pisses me off when women who speak freely of sex get labels of being a "whore" but a "whore" (what does that word really mean anyway?) can STILL have intrgrity. This "man" has ZERO integrity in SO many ways and will go home to his perfect life with his girlfriend looking like a stand up guy. Girls: watch out!!

  2. Oh my god!!!!! I cannot believe he contacted you after all this time! What a dick, though. At least we can all appreciate he didn't kill you in a meadow 😯