Tuesday, March 7, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 10

Here are my top ten thoughts on Tuesday's three hour epic.

10. I might be in love with Nick. He has a way with words, he wore good sweaters this week, he cries well, and... dat ass doe.

9. I loved Raven's post-orgasm montage. I wish I could have my own montage after every time I had an orgasm. It would include running in a field with a litter of pugs, eating lots of ice cream, and having more orgasms. There's a good chance that Nick actually give her a faux-gasm though. Either way, I feel really bad that she announced to the world that her ex-bf couldn't get the job done in ten years and Nick managed to do it in one night. OR, Raven's had thousands of orgasms and this was all a ploy to make Nick feel like da man. In which case, she's fucking brilliant.

8. The more I get to know Vanessa, the less I like her. Anyone who uses the term "core values" repeatedly and complains about wanting to feel special is a sociopath. She is not willing to compromise on... having dinner with her family every Sunday in Montreal. Look, if you didn't want to move away from Montreal you shouldn't have signed up to date a dude who will only want to live in LA or NY to pursue his full time career of being a fame whore. (Note: Nick has officially signed on for Dancing with the Stars.)
true love never dies.
7. We all knew Rachel was going to go home, because ABC already announced that she's the next Bachelorette. I'm obviously super psyched about this, BUT there's a part of me that wonders whether it's all a huge mistake and if Rachel and Nick are meant to be together. They were just so darn cute and smiley around each other. I'm not sure I see him settling down with Raven (who might be a teenager the more I think about it. It would totally explain her inability to apply eye makeup) or Vanessa (who is 100% the type that sighs during sex and tells a guy she's not feeling anything). That said, I'm very excited to see all of Rachel's style choices during her season, because that dress she got dumped in was gorgeous.

6. Do the contestants watch themselves on television and think, "hey, I know why I can't find love! I need to look more like a stripper!" Why do they always come back looking so damn trashy? Case in point: the women in the below photos are actually the same person.
Kristina could live for a whole year eating this girl's lipstick
5. Did Taylor have to get electric shock therapy after the taping? We all witnessed Corinne act like a villain from a 1990s Aaron Spelling primetime drama, yet somehow (ahem, Trump's America) Taylor came off looking like the (elitist) bad guy. Audience members even wore hats that said "Make America Corinne Again." (Which side note, makes no sense.) I'll admit, I found Corinne highly entertaining, but I think we can all agree she was kind of cunty. By the end, she had Taylor apologizing to her and then she distracted the entire audience with cheese pasta. I'm pretty sure she'll be appointed our new attorney general.

4. Speaking of Corinne, it's highly likely that she took the world's most controversial nap ever. Let's be clear-- the ladies didn't hate her, because she took her top off or made Nick lick whip cream off her tits or rubbed her vagina on him in a jumpy house-- they hated her, because she skipped a rose ceremony and took a nap. Guys, if you haven't already donated money to the ACLU-- please do so, because we obviously need to pool all of our resources to put a stop to these inhumane rose ceremonies. Naps for everyone! 

3. Who is Lacey and why does she think it's appropriate to speak and have opinions? No one cares what happened right before Nick dumped you, because none of us even remember that you were on the show. 

2. I guess I sort of loved all the female support among the contestants (except for when they verbally assaulted Taylor)-- it was sweet when they announced to America that Liz is not some whore who drinks too much and has one night stands at weddings, but she's a human person who builds orphanages for other small human people. Kristina is not just a Russian spy, but someone who could have lived in an orphanage that Liz built if she didn't come to America to live her life in color. That's all really great, but I'm a little disappointed that Harrison dropped the ball and didn't ask her if she'd ever met with Sergey Kislyak.

1. JESUS CHRIST, CHRIS HARRISON. WE GET IT. YOU LOVE BLOOPERS.

1 comment:

  1. I'd live for a post of all the girls before (promo shots) and after (women tell all porn looks) photos side by side like you did for ???? Who?
    But I know you have a baby and I do too so really who has the time? Keep the recaps coming. Luv them.

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