Wednesday, March 1, 2017

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

Did Nick tell Raven that linking pinkies will give her an orgasm?
I nearly took a bat to my television when I realized this week's episode of The Bachelor was only one hour. I need that additional sixty minutes each week to feel better about my life choices. Thank God I had an episode of Vanderpump Rules on my DVR to remind myself that unlike the Sur staff, I am not a waste of flesh. I hope those douchebags are all organ donors. (Side note: how much did you guys laugh when Sandoval called Schwartz a battered wife and kicked the door open on him?)

Back to The Bachelor.


In a shocking turn of events, I discovered I'm PSYCHIC. How else could I have predicted last week that Blandi showed up to Nick's hotel room to give him advice? They drink whiskey, discuss their sordid past, and Andi tells him it's totally fine to have sex with all of the ladies in the fantasy suite. As long as it's consensual. My husband described it as the most adult conversation he's heard on the show. I described it as two thirsty reality TV stars discussing fantasy suites. 

While Nick is warm and cozy and drinking whiskey in his fancy hotel room...

... His four potential wives freeze their asses off on a rooftop in New York. I'm not a fan of this torture porn. Why do the producers think it's entertaining to put these poor women through hell? Why can't they spring for some heating lamps? Or, I don't know, allow the contestants to trade in their cocktail dresses for jeans and sweaters and Patagonia jackets.

Nick goes into this rose ceremony with his mind made up. The three women he'd most like to have sex with are Hot Rachel (AKA the next bachelorette), Vanessa (AKA the girl who forces her special ed students to make her scrapbooks), and Raven AKA:
Which means he does not have a burning desire to experience Corinne's platinum vazhean. I'm not totally surprised by this decision, but I am REALLY going to miss Corinne and her love of naps, cucumber slices, and big furry jackets. She instantly bursts into tears when Nick gives the last rose to Vanessa and as he walks her out, she say she's sorry if she did something to make him mad.

Guys, Corinne is a total joy. She made this season hilarious and entertaining and I CANNOT wait to see her on Bachelor in Paradise (Please God let her bring Raquel with her). An amazing thing also happens during the limo ride to the airport... instead of crying and wondering what she has to do to find love, Corinne says that she's done kissing men's asses. YASSSS. Who knew that after dry humping in a bouncy house that she'd end up being the true feminist icon of the show?? #TheFutureIsCorinne #NeverthelessShePersisted

Meanwhile, there's Vanessa, who laments the fact that Nick doesn't make her feel special. Betch, please. If you want to feel special, then go to the personality store and buy a better personality. BURN. Honestly though, I can no longer deal with these women complaining about how hard this process is for them. You knew what you signed up for. It's like eating cheese and then complaining that it gave you gas. If you didn't want to have the farts then you shouldn't have put that slice of gouda in your mouth!

Next stop is Finland where Raven gets the first fantasy suite date. Nick and Raven go to a bar and play darts, but none of that matters because after telling Nick that she loves him-- Raven decides to reveal that she's never had an orgasm. I have SO many questions.

1. Why doesn't she masturbate?

2. What made her decide to mention this on camera? They're about to spend the night together with no cameras present. She could have revealed this detail to Nick and not all of America. Did she think it would up her chances of becoming the next bachelorette?

3. Does she really expect a man in a turtleneck sweater to be able to give her an orgasm?
4. This has nothing to do with the orgasm thing. Why does she think it's cool to look like Morticia Adams? 

5. Did it not occur to her that this revelation would put a shit ton of pressure on their night in the fantasy suite?

This just confirms that Raven is far too young to settle down and get married. Only an inexperienced twenty-five year old would think it's appropriate to use the word "intimate." Also, did anyone else feel really bad for Raven's ex-boyfriend? She just told all of America that they dated for ten years and he was never able to get her off.
Raven's ex-boyfriend  


All of that aside, I think Nick and Raven might end up together. I don't see him with Vanessa. She might be more age appropriate, but I get the sense that Nick really wants someone who doesn't have a stick up her ass.

Speaking of asses, we all agree that Nick convinced Raven that the only way to have an orgasm is to do it in the butt, right?

Finally, that Rocky IV homage at the end made me love Nick. Until next week when he has sex with three women and dumps one! Yay!

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