Friday, May 26, 2017

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode one

The recaps this season will be a challenge to write, because... I love Rachel Lindsay. Usually, I derive all my joy in life from making fun of the bachelor/bachelorette, and I'm not sure that's possible this time around. Rachel's personable, smart, gorgeous, kind, well-dressed, and she has a sense of humor. Her only flaw is that she agreed to do this show, but we can't even fault her for that b/c she's the first black bachelorette. Thanks to her, we get to watch 25+ guys fawn over someone who doesn't look like this:


 Or this:

Or this:

FUCKING FINALLY. I will say that Rachel is already showing some questionable taste in men and she did say "I love that" or "I love it" way too many times. Other than that-- I've got nothing.

I even legit enjoyed watching her frolic on the beach and cruise around Beverly Hills in a sports car. I wanted to frolic with her. I want our dogs to be friends. When she made that Clueless reference, I wanted to be her scraggly Britney Murphy bestie. I wanted Rachel Lindsay to give me a makeover and teach me words like "sporadically." I want to go on a bank robbery/murder spree in Dallas, TX just so Rachel Lindsay can be my defense lawyer. I want to go to the dentist and have him pry my two front teeth apart so we can have matching gaps. #twinsies

Confession: You know those sweet little old white ladies who gave Rachel hugs and wished her luck for the season? One of them was actually me, in disguise!

So needless to say, I really like Rachel. Which is why I was hoping the men this season would be worthy of her awesomeoness. Let's just say it was a mixed bag. Beginning with the taped packages:

#1 Kenny (AKA Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King. For real). He's a professional wrestler with a heart of gold. He has a ten year old daughter that he loves like crazy, but not like to the point where he minds being away from her for an extended period of time to get a chance at love being the first black bachelor. But I'm into Kenny. He seems like a total teddy bear, and he could easily have crossover appeal like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Plus, he's 35 which makes him totally age appropriate.

#2 Alex (AKA the nerdy beefcake). He lifts weights and likes to code. Honestly, that's like the worst combination in the world. A guy who spends too much time at the gym + sits in front of a computer to write code = please shoot me in the head. But I believe he's also Greek and his parents like to make chicken kebabs in the backyard, so I can overlook his main two interests in life.

#3 White Lawyer guy. White lawyer guy lives in Dallas, TX (same town as Rachel!) and his mom died when he was in high school. The end.

#4 Josiah (Or black lawyer guy). He might be too obvious of a choice. He's a prosecutor with a far more heart-wrenching sob story than white lawyer guy. When Josiah was seven-years-old, he found his oldest brother (who i believe was also a child) hanging from a tree. He'd killed himself after being bullied for his weight. Josiah explains that he had to cut his brother down from the tree. WHAT THE FUCK. Did the producers really need to get a shot of Josiah, in his backyard, staring at the tree? It was a little gratuitous, and I prefer my tragic back stories to come out in pieces and not all at once in the premiere episode.

#5 Blake from Venice. This guy gave me serious heebeegeebees. First off, he's a personal trainer who talks about his penis way too much. He claims he has a Ph.D. in sex, because he boned his last girlfriend a lot. He hopes that Rachel is as sexually open as he is. And yet, that's not the strangest thing about Blake. The strangest thing about him is that he makes his entrance at the Bachelor mansion with a marching band, and drums along with them. He lists his occupation not as personal trailer, but as "aspiring drummer." I'm VERY CONFUSED. First of all, they need to stop letting people use the words "aspiring" or "former" before their occupations. Cause guess what? Those words mean it's not your occupation. Next time someone asks me what I do for a living, I'm going to say "aspiring Beyonce" or "former Gap Kids salesgirl." Second, your hobby is also not your job. I've never called myself a "professional knitter" or a "professional reader of fiction." Lastly, don't you need to be a college or high school student to be in a marching band? Are there adult marching bands out there? Someone please explain.

Before the season officially begins, Rachel decides to have a pow-wow with her closest friends from Nick's season. They include: Raven the Teenaged Witch, the Russian spy, the dolphin enthusiast, CORINNE, two girls I don't know and don't care about, and the chick who wanted to give Nick a "chokey." You can tell that Rachel is a girl's girl and that her friends seem genuinely happy for her. I'm not convinced Rachel is a true friend though, because a true friend would have given Raven a makeover by now. Rachel and Raven even tear up when they remember Raven's advice from last season: "You have to let yourself fall." So profound. What Rachel doesn't know is that when they hugged, Raven pulled off a strand of her Rachel's hair and threw it in her witch's cauldron. She put a spell on Rachel that will make her become enamored by mediocre white guys all season.

THIS can be the only explanation for why Rachel ends up falling for a big lug named Bryan, who kisses like Mr. Peepers:
For starters, Bryan is not that cute and he spoke to her in broken Spanish when he got out of the limo. BIG DEAL. Everyone knows Spanish these days. And even though he looked like he was going to swallow her face during their cringe-worthy make out sesh, she still gave him the first impression rose. He's aggressive in a Brock Turner sort of way and I don't like it.

Here are a few other highlights from the limo intros and the cocktail ceremony:

Peter. SWOOOOOON. He's hands down one of the hottest guys in the house. That said, I picked up some serious Ed Hardy vibes after I creeped on his instagram. Beneath his plaid suit, we could not tell that he has a series of unfortunate tattoos. His idea of a glorious vacation is a Carnival cruise. And he's a personal trainer. None of that really matters, because he also looks really good doing a side plank and he loves his niece and nephew.
Just look at that jawline game.
There was a guy who came out dressed as Steve Urkel and said "Did I do that?" Next week, he will drink some cool juice and emerge from a fridge as "Stefan Urquelle."
There was another guy who came dressed as a penguin (cause they mate for  life, get it?). It turns out the costume was his way of hiding the fact that he's balding. And according to the preview for the rest of the season, he sticks around for awhile.

I am strangely obsessed with Adam, who decided to bring a creepy ass doll with him named Adam Junior. Obviously, I want Adam Junior to be the next Bachelor. Imagine how fucked up it would be if ABC was like-- sorry, we decided that instead of casting the first black bachelor, we're going to have twenty five single women fight for the affection of a weird white doll who (inexplicably) only speaks French. Don't be fooled by AJ's luscious Robert Pattinson hairstyle, guys. He's actually part of Raven's coven and he's going to come to life in the middle of the night and give everyone blow jobs against their will!
I'm still a fan of Eric. He's the guy who danced with Rachel when they met on After the Final Rose. He might be a one trick pony, because he does the exact same thing when he comes out of the limo, but he's cute and I sensed sparks. That said, I just took a moment to read his bio and he seems like a doucherooni. Plus, he's a personal trainer which is an automatic disqualification in my book.

Some of you were most offended by "Whaboooom" (we'll get to him later), but I was most offended by Lee's entrance. He's the guy who comes out of the limo playing the guitar and singing some shitty ass country song (was he even really singing? He was kind of just speaking the words). At least Whabooom didn't try to hide the fact that he's here for some free PR. This dude disguises his personal ambitions with cheesy romance. He also seems to stir the pot as the season progresses, which is why I'm naming him "most likely to be an undercover member of the Klan." If you don't think Lee has a "Make America Great Again" hat somewhere in his closet, then you are wrong about everything.

I'm just as certain that the dude who told Rachel to close her eyes and then tickled her is a registered sex offender. Or he should be after this episode. You can't grope someone and call it "tickling." Also, someone who lists their occupation as "tickle master" is DEF into pedophilia.

My heart instantly sinks when I see hot Asian guy get out of the limo. He's super good looking and a Marine veteran, but the only minority that does worse than black dudes on this show is Asian men. He did not get a rose and had to be sent home in BROAD DAYLIGHT, because it probably took them 36 hours to film the rose ceremony! The only person who had less of a chance with Rachel is the hot Indian guy, whose handsomeness was trumped by his terrible style. At the rate ABC is going, it'll be another fifty years before other minorities are front and center on this show. This is the same series who had a bachelorette (JoJo) who was half-Iranian and never mentioned it once. (Yes, this Iranian girl is still bitter.)

So how do we all feel about Whaboooooooom? He's weird as fuck, but did anyone read his bio? It's hilarious. He says he would take the cast of The View to a deserted island with him. I'm guessing he means the OG cast, because that would include Meredith Veira and she's clearly a barrel of laughs and probably puts out. It doesn't really matter what any of us think of Whaboom and his tank top with a cartoon image of himself. He is not here to win Rachel's heart. He's not here to be the next bachelor. He's only here, so that we can get acquainted with him before he appears on Bachelor in Paradise.
In the end, a diverse number of candidates received roses from Rachel (by diverse, I mean some white guys and black guys, and a few ethnically ambiguous guys). Milton was in tears when he left, because he thought he would be here longer-- especially since he was the best dressed man on the show. He was not. Part of me wants to feel bad for Milton, but part of me also thinks that when he lists "hotel recreation supervisor" as his occupation, that just means he organizes a game of swimming pool volleyball for a bunch of little kids, whose parents abandoned them for the swim up bar.

I'm super excited to see how the rest of the season plays out. I may be reading into things, but it seems like Rachel has some residual guilt for falling in love with a white guy. I get it. I'd be lying if I didn't say this franchise could use its very own Michelle and Barack, but I'm not sure that's possible unless someone breaks Raven's spell and rescues Rachel from ending up with an aspiring drummer or a tickle master.

If you're craving a think piece, read Roxane Gay's take on the premiere here.

Until next week, folks. I can officially announce that this will be the LAST season we recap on The Blow Off, so please read and share! xo

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