Wednesday, June 21, 2017

bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode four

Rumor has it that when we die, God greets us at the pearly gates and immediately provides answers to the following questions:

#1 What happened in that elevator between Solange and Jay-Z?
#2 Why did Kalinda and Alicia from The Good Wife hate each other in real life?
#3 Is there really a Donald Trump pee tape? 
#4 What exactly took place in Paradise between Corinne and DeMario?

Warner Bros released a statement today saying that they've concluded their investigation and there was no misconduct by any cast member... and that filming will resume and Bachelor in Paradise will air this summer! Praise be, bitches! Corinne's camp says they will move forward with their own investigation, but I really don't think the likes of Warner Bros/Disney would bring this show back if there was even a possibility of assault. (Full disclosure: I'm employed by Warner Bros and used to work for Disney, but I am not biased!) It's all too complicated to analyze in this blog, but it appears the footage helped clear DeMario and the show of any wrongdoing. If only video footage was taken into consideration when it came to-- I don't know-- police officers killing black men.

Speaking of institutionalized racism, the tension between Lee Harvey Racist and the other guys in the house continues to escalate. During the cocktail party, we are treated to an incredibly awkward scene of Lee lingering by Kenny (Pitbull wrestler) and Rachel, mid-conversation. This is basically Lee during this sequence:
He's tiny and lean, but fucking terrifying. Lee is a terrible person and I think a strong case can be made that his hair has been molded to stick up straight by his Klan hood. As though we needed more reason to believe that Lee was pure evil, he just laughs when Kenny accuses him of using their friendship to impede on his time with Rachel. KENNY, DON'T FALL FOR IT! Lee does not want to be your friend. You are a perfect male specimen and he wants to take over your body!

Meanwhile, there's yet another scene of Rachel and Bryan making out and discussing fairytales. I'm beginning to understand the attraction here. Bryan is ten years older than most of the guys in the house. He's a mature and worldly chiropractor. He also says profound things like: When you're weak, I'll be strong. And when I'm weak, you'll be strong. With age comes wisdom, people.

In the middle of all the drama, Queen Rache has an emotional meltdown about the weight of being the first black bachelorette and the issue of race. She stays pretty vague on the topic, but it sounded to me like she's feeling some pressure to fall for one of the African-American contestants. Which is extra stressful, because from what I can tell, she seems more drawn to the less diverse dudes in the group. She fights off tears and tells a producer that she has no idea what it's like to be in her position. And she doesn't. Because the producer has a shit job, working for a crappy ass reality TV show and wrangling catty douchebags without any of the fame, glory, or a guaranteed spot on Dancing with the Stars. I actually get where Rachel is coming from and I just want her to forge ahead and find true love without giving in to societal pressures. I also still want her to marry Cory Booker and become our next first lady.

Rachel manages to power through and move ahead with the rose ceremony. I'm a bit perplexed by some of her choices at this point. The tickle monster got a rose, but hot Diggy with the bow tie was sent home? During his exit interview, I caught the tail end of Diggy saying: "... he's an amazing guy." I had to rewind it to see which of the dudes he was referring to... only to realize that he was talking about HIMSELF IN THIRD PERSON. Perhaps this is why Diggy had to be sent home.

The only other significant detail of the rose ceremony is that Russian Alex wore a tacky purple suit that was reminiscent of the guys from Night at the Roxbury. In my book, this is a deal breaker. The only way Rachel should end up with a guy who likes purple suits is if Prince rises from the dead and becomes a contestant on this show.
The episode continues in Hilton Head with Dean getting the first one on one date card. I like Dean... but I find myself incredibly distracted by his teeth. They're just too big and white. Every time I see Dean, I see this:

This is Dean.
The two of them have a picnic and then get to board a Good Year blimp. I will give the producers some credit for thinking outside of the box with this new mode of transportation. I've never seen the inside of a blimp before and this behind-the-scenes look made me happy. Dean is scared, because he doesn't like heights, but Rachel is so brave that she even pilots the blimp. She's everything I wish I could be and more. Despite Dean's teeth issue, I don't find myself getting grossed out by the sight of them making out. Later, Dean opens up to Rachel about the loss of his mother. She died of cancer when he was just fourteen years old... in 2006. I repeat-- Dean was 14 in 2006. He graduated high school in 2010. He is a child. That said, the story is super sad... though I did find it odd that when his mom was in hospice and he asked her when she was coming home, she said: NEVER. Um, couldn't she have sugar coated things a bit for her fourteen year old son? Maybe something like "No matter where I am, I'll always be watching over you" etc. I'm not gonna lie, but Dean's mom kinda came off a bit insensitive. What's worse is that the rest of his family essentially abandoned him after his mom died. Poor Dean.

Luckily, ABC finds a way to cheer him up with a surprise Russell Dickerson concert!!! This is exactly when brains across America nearly exploded from having the same thought: Who the fuck is Russell Dickerson? I really thought we were gonna get some A-list talent on this show. How about Drake or Frank Ocean? I'd even take Usher or Jason Derulo. Here's a direct quote from my husband during this sequence:

"This is so white. This is so moist. This is so gross. This gives me the heebeegeebees."

The group date on this episode kicks off with Rachel and the guys dancing and partying on a boat. Tickle Monster busts a move and the rest of the guys literally chant: "Go tickle, go tickle!" My heart breaks a little during this sequence, because Josiah decides to flex his pecks. This is high on my list of least attractive things a man can ever do. It's right up there with tuck his penis behind his legs and fart in my mouth. Especially if those things are done at the same time. This makes me think less of Josiah which is a shame, because he's one of my favorites. Hot Peter also nearly loses my affection when he decides to freestyle rap... except it's actually kind of funny and charming and helps give him a personality. After the dudes decide to have a push up contest, ABC really shakes things up by telling them they'll be competing in a spelling bee that has like FOUR judges including Rachel and a bunch of teen girls.
No disrespect to Dani, Pearl, and Josie, but a spelling bee doesn't need judges. It needs one person to just check the spelling of the word. I hate this sequence because it seems to capitalize on the dumbness of Rachel's potential husbands. Eric literally spells the word Facade "pshtoyaakjheawhhaet."

Josiah redeems himself by spelling polyamorous correctly... which leads Iggy to decide that he needs to step up his game and sabotage Josiah. A man who can spell is just too big of a threat.

During the cocktail party, Iggy takes Rachel aside and tells her that Josiah's a bad guy. In a move that makes absolutely no sense, Iggy returns from his talk with Rachel and tells Josiah that he just told Rachel that Josiah sucks. Josiah is understandably annoyed and that's when he reveals this about Iggy:

"He does drugs. He shoots steroids. He confessed it to all of us."

Real talk: I don't actually remember if it was Josiah who said this about Iggy, and I'm too lazy to go back and check. I'm pretty sure any contestant could have said this about any contestant and it would still be accurate. 

Meanwhile, Lee Harvey Racist tells Rachel that Kenny yelled at him and that he's a bad guy. Rachel confronts Kenny, and Kenny gets really pissed and tells Lee they need to have words outside. I'm of course Team Kenny, because he's not racist, his freestyle rap for Rachel was adorbs and amazing, and because Lee is the worst kind of human. If the Bachelorette was Gilead, than Lee's one of those dudes who rapes a handmaid and gets kicked to death for it.

The episode ends on the impending drama between Lee and Kenny with a "to be continued..." graphic, in case we were all confused that none of this would get resolved. That's all fine and good, but what I'd really like to know is why Copper the dog wasn't in this episode and how his leg is healing. He's by far the most compelling living organism on this show, with the exception of Rachel who continues to be perfect in my eyes. Until next week when we're living in the hell of two episodes and what promises to be a dramatic two-on-one date between a racist and a minority. Fun times!


  1. Why did she send Diggy home!?! I so wanted to learn more about Diggy!!

  2. Thanks for another great recap!

  3. Agreed! Another Great recap! This line had me laughing out loud alone at my desk.. "This is high on my list of least attractive things a man can ever do. It's right up there with tuck his penis behind his legs and fart in my mouth"