Tuesday, June 6, 2017

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode three

The episode picks up where we left off last week-- with DeMario returning to the Bachelor mansion to have voice the error of his ways with our Queen Rachel. Luckily, Rachel's army of protectors linger in the background and do not cock block my need for more drama.

DeMario apologizes to her for not being 100 and for doing the whole "Who Dis?" bit when he was confronted by a woman he was having sex with for six months. I liked DeMario's no excuses apology, but here's where he went wrong: he asked Rachel to give him a second chance and let him back on the show. The guy reeks of desperation. He wants to be the first black bachelor SO bad. He's smart enough to know that Rachel would lose all legitimacy if she allowed him back. If DeMario really wanted to redeem himself, he should have apologized, wished Rachel the best, and walked away. Instead, he got shut down twice on national television. Rachel told him that he's a boy and she needs a man. BURN.

Until we meet again DeMario... on Bachelor in Paradise and Men Tell All.

The guys are thrilled with Rachel's decision and turned on by her feisty side, but there's still plenty of conflict and drama within the house. For starters, we have the ongoing beef between Blake (aspiring drummer) and Luke (Whaaaabooom). We know that they're from the same small town (Venice Beach, population: 40,885) and that Blake's roommate is Luke's ex-girlfriend. We also know that Blake thinks Luke is here for the wrong reasons. When Rachel asks Luke about Blake's assessment of him, Luke recounts a chilling and homoerotic tale of Blake hovering over his bed, while slowly eating a banana.

Rachel decides to get Blake's side of the banana story... and you may be surprised by Blake's reaction. Was he most horrified by the claims that he hovers over Luke's bed, while Luke is sleeping? No. The part that really got under his skin was that Luke claimed he was eating a banana. Blake reveals to Rachel that he never eats carbs, which means he would not be eating a banana in the first place, and that this story could NOT be true. This was the most compelling mystery since The Keepers on Netflix.

Also: I ate THREE bananas today. That's not a lie. I had one in the morning. One in a smoothie. And one before dinner. I feel like Regina George after she finds out those protein bars are making her fat.
Anyway. Bananagate proves to be too much for Rachel and she disappoints all of us by sending both Luke and Blake home. I won't miss Blake, but I wasn't expecting Whaboom to get the boot in episode three. So what if he was so drunk he could barely form letters and words? He put a smile on my face and made me forget for a few minutes that we are living in Trump's America. I am sad to see him go, but I CANNOT WAIT to watch him on Bachelor in Paradise. I predict he will hook up with one-arm Sarah.

The double elimination was almost worth it for the showdown that followed between Luke and Blake. It's honestly so good that not even Ernest Hemingway could put it into words. You all need to go to Hulu and watch that shit immediately. I've never laughed so hard, while watching an episode of The Bachelorette. Blake confronts Luke for not being here for the right reasons. He says he's washed up and that Whaboom is not funny. Luke says that Blake doesn't know what comedy is. Blake gestures a fart coming out of his ass and says Luke is all about fart jokes. Luke says Blake is all about fitness and protein powder. The back and forth continues for a loooong time until Blake finally gives Luke the finger and walks off. It was the most beautiful man fight I've ever witnessed.

And that's when I decide to relocate to Venice Beach, so that I can troll the streets waiting for a Luke and Blake run-in. Population: 40,856.
Yes, but at least he eats bananas.
The other thing that stood out to me during the cocktail party was the cozy proximity between Lee and Dean on the couch:
Um, are they dating? Later, we will get to see them mud wrestle each other. 

The first group date includes an appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show. I told you. Rachel brings in A-list celebrities. The date gets uncomfortable real fast when Ellen has the guys take their shirts off and dance like male strippers among the audience. I'm gonna be totally honest here: crotch thrusting and gyrating is only acceptable to me if it takes place during sex. I don't want to see any of these men hump the air or rub their butts on the 53% of white women who voted for Trump, and call Ellen one of the good lesbians. (As opposed to Rachel Maddow who they all hate.)

Things go from awkward to "please someone pour acid in my eyes, because I can't watch this" real fast during the cocktail party portion of the group date. Fred (the bad little kid from summer camp) gets alone time with Rachel and asks if he can kiss her in a way that makes me seriously wonder if he's still a virgin. Look, I actually don't hold it against men for asking if they can kiss a woman. I know this is a huge turn off for some ladies-- and it is totally awkward to be on the receiving end of it. I understand Rachel's preference for men who will just go for it. BUT is it also fair to say that some men are terrified of being deemed sexual predators and think it's the polite/appropriate thing to do? Wrong Said Fred decides to back-peddle and go in for the kiss, but then it just turns into an awkward amalgamation of being polite and aggressive at the same time. I am so uncomfortable that I cover my eyes for most of it.

And yet, post-kiss Fred seems to lack any self awareness, because he's on top of the world (he's woo-hooing), which makes it all the more painful when Rachel takes him aside.... to tell him she'll never have feelings for him and he needs to go home. I love Rachel, but one has to ask why she made a show of taking the group date rose with her to give him the boot? Clearly, this made Fred (and less savvy viewers) think that she was going to give the rose to him. I know she was probably forced to fuck with his emotions by a cunty producer, but still! It's not right!

If there's one thing we learned from DeMario's favorite quote earlier in the episode it's that in order to have joy, you must have pain. (mind. blown.) Hopefully Fred will take this pain and parlay it into a stint on Herpes in Paradise.

The one on one date with Big Anthony is so insignificant that ABC didn't even include the scene where he finds out that his name was on the date card. Their date consists of horseback riding on Rodeo Drive, feeding their horses a Sprinkles cupcake, and then getting embarrassed when one of the horses shits all over a fancy Bev Hills boutique that sells nicely fitted (yet ugly) letterman jackets. All I could think about was the poor P.A. who has to clean up all that shit. Anthony seems extremely dull and perfectly nice and I mostly got the feeling that this was his audition to be the next Bachelor.

It pains me to add that this date included Rachel's first fashion misstep. I'm pretty sure every article of clothing was ordered from a Delia's catalogue. Guys, you heard it here first. Rachel has a flaw.

Meanwhile, back at the house, there's some drama brewing between Eric (one of my early faves) and Iggy (that guy we all thought would be eliminated on night one). Honestly, I had trouble following their beef, but on a scale of sane to Kanye, Eric's starting to venture into non-sensical tirades territory. Personally, I think that the producers have either swiped his lexapro or he's just not functioning well in this environment.

The stakes get even higher during the next group date. Rachel brings along a few of her friends from Nick's season to hang out with her men and watch them mud wrestle each other. The group takes a party bus to the bar, and we're subjected to more scenes of men gyrating and pretending to be male strippers. It's unsavory.

Raven sits between Bryce (who? No idea) and Lee and asks them if there's anyone who they think isn't here for the right reasons. They both say Eric. Huh? I'm so confused. Why do they think that about Eric? What has he done wrong so far?  Sure, he seems agitated that he hasn't gotten enough time with Rachel, but I also don't see him hawking a catchphrase or hiding a side chick or playing guitar and singing a shitty country song RIGHT out of the limo.

The actual mud-wrestling is relatively entertaining and I'm not sure how it happens, but the male model beats Kenny (the professional wrestler) in a wrestling match. How kenny lose?

Side note-- why do they call themselves male models? Why can't they just be "models"? No one needs clarification.

Things get tense during the nighttime portion of the group date when Rachel and Eric get alone time, and she tells him that the two whitest dudes in the house said he's not here for the right reasons. Eric begins to unravel. He confronts Bryce and Lee, and says that Lee seems disingenuous. Lee claims that he only said that Eric was here for the wrong reasons, because Eric's never been in love before. That literally makes no sense. But guess what, guys?! None of this matters, because LEE is a...


Here's how I described Lee after watching the first episode:
 I'm naming him "most likely to be an undercover member of the Klan." If you don't think Lee has a "Make America Great Again" hat somewhere in his closet, then you are wrong about everything.

Well, it turns out, he is all those things. The internet stumbled upon Lee's Twitter history and he's a horrible person. Read his tweets here. I just saw Get Out this week, and he reminds me so much of the brother character. ABC should be ashamed of themselves for allowing him on the show. There's no way they didn't know about his tweets. I'm a 1000% certain he applied for the show in hopes that Raven would be the next bachelorette. I think Lee would fit in just fine in Hoxie, Arkansas.

This is why I'm SO happy that Rachel gives Eric the group date rose anyway. She knows to trust her own instincts. But the drama doesn't stop there. During the rose ceremony cocktail party, Iggy takes Rachel aside to tell her that Eric was questioning her motives. Ugh. These men are so fucking catty! The women usually wait weeks to rat out a fellow contestant, but the dudes don't waste any time.

When Rachel brings this to Eric's attention, he goes full Kanye on Lee and screams at him. It's not a good look, but then again-- Lee is a horrible racist who's probably doing all this on purpose because he hates black people. I am totally Team Eric. I hope he takes a beat, stops stressing out, focuses on Rachel, and exposes Lee for being a terrible person.

Until next week when the racism comes to the surface and we all try to remember the simpler days of WHABOOOOM.

Stray observations:
Kenny is becoming one of my favorites-- even though he used to be a male stripper and he said "How Kenny say no" when Rachel offered him a rose. *cringe*

How is the tickle monster still a person on this show?

I give Alex credit for admitting that he peed in the pool. In his defense, I don't believe the bachelor mansion has working toilets or plumping of any sort.

There was a Peter shortage on this episode and I did not like it one bit.


  1. I, along with a bunch of my friends/family, look forward to YOUR recaps more than any other every week. You have a way of saying, sarcastically (yay!), what we are all thinking, sometimes without even knowing it. I love that you don't take yourself too seriously, and that you take the time to do such detailed reviews each week. Please please pretty please keep it up.... I can only imagine how fantastic Paradise prose would be from you 😂👍👏