Thursday, June 1, 2017

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 2

I have a major bone to pick with Chris Harrison. Where was he at the beginning of the show to warn me that we were going to witness one of the most dramatic group dates in Bachelorette history? I was blindsided. I'm still trying to recover. I have so many mixed emotions about the whole thing, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.

Rachel wakes up feeling energized after meeting all of her potential suitors and sending the less "desirable" minorities home. Let's be real: Middle Murica's brains might explode if she ended up with an Asian guy or Indian guy. We liberals can't get greedy. Baby steps on reality TV racism, guys.

I wish ABC would stop trying to convince us that Rachel does her own make-up... as though  production doesn't provide her with a daily glam squad. No mere mortal can do their own eyeshadow that well. I will not be fooled, Robert Mills and Mark Burnett!

The first group date of the season kicks off with the guys meeting Rachel at a park. She sports an adorable dress, while grilling a smorgasbord of meat. If that wasn't enough, she follows the meal with a game of football. This is where I spend the next five minutes rolling my eyes. I get it. She's a walking male fantasy. Not only will she feed you a hot dog, but she'll also pass around a strange oval-shaped leather ball. Aside from a few obligatory "whabooms," there's nothing of note in this sequence until Rachel tells the guys that she has a little surprise for them. The group rounds the corner and we see... Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis.

This is slightly embarrassing for me to admit, but Mila & Ashton are one of my favorite celebrity couples. And not in an ironic way. They seem like good people. I even watched the first episode of their Houzz makeover show, and Mila's immigrant parents made my heart sing. Plus, I love that they watch the Bachelor and that they loved Rachel enough to make an appearance without promoting a movie or TV show. I heard some recaps that said Rachel barely knew who they were and wasn't excited about them. To that I say: BULLSHIT. I heart Rachel, but I don't believe for a second that she didn't sign on for the Bachelor in hopes of getting a little fame-- just like everyone else who participates in the show. If someone wants to be famous that bad, then they're also pretty well-versed in all things pop culture. She knows exactly who they are. She also knows she's better than them. She's better than all of us.

The main tension during this group date is that Blake hates Whaboom, and that Whaboom is not here for the right reasons. The guys are told they will need to compete in an intricate obstacle course, which involves changing a diaper (holy shit!), putting a doll in a baby bjorn (a what?!), vacuuming (wait, do men even know what vacuums are?), fishing an engagement ring out of a sink, and... setting a table! For the love of GOD, how will any of these handsome devils deal with the challenges of domesticity? In the end, Kenny (the wrestler) and Whaboom are head to head, until Whaboom pushes Kenny to the ground and wins the challenge. I repeat: Whaboom pushed the professional wrestler to the ground. I feel like we might find out that Whaboom is living out the plot of a Jim Carrey movie circa 1994. He accidentally drank a potion that makes him shake his face and scream "whaboom" at the most inopportune times. It also gave him super human strength.
 Ashton Kutcher makes the bold statement that he doesn't think Rachel's husband is among the group. No shit. Rachel's husband is currently a New Jersey Senator. Seriously though, guys. If Cory Booker marries her right now, then by 2020-- she could be our first lady!

During the cocktail portion of the group date, Whaboom gets alone time with Rachel and reads her a "poem". Just because you slowly read words out loud, it doesn't make it a poem. He's basically like:

Rachel
I like
You
I can't wait
To go on this
journey with you
You're
cute

Meanwhile, we learn that the reason Blake hates Whaboom is b/c he lives with Whaboom's ex-girlfriend and he knows that Whaboom is here just to promote himself. Is the douchebag pool really that small that these guys have prior knowledge of each other? Is this ex-girlfriend a producer on the Bachelorette and that's how they got cast on the show? Honestly, I don't care about either of these men. They're both huge long shots and they'll be gone by episode five. Meanwhile, another mediocre white guy continues to charm Rachel with his uncomfortably racist pick up line (I'm going black and I'll never go back) and gets rewarded with the group date rose.

Luckily, back at the house, we learn that Peter is getting the first one on one date. YASSSSSSS. I need more Peter on my television. Rachel takes him to the airport and reveals they're going to take a private plane to Palm Springs. But then a limo pulls up and Rachel tells him that she's actually bringing along her best friend who recently survived a terrible accident. I'm not gonna lie... I kind of thought Tracy Morgan might get out of the car for another celebrity cameo. But instead, it's... COPPER (Rachel's dog) and his adorable little cast! Hot Peter immediately asks what happened to Copper's leg, but Rachel says it's a story for another time. WHAAAAT IS IT?!? The suspense is literally killing me. I haven't been able to sleep at night, because I need to know exactly what happened to Copper and why it couldn't be discussed immediately? And why all the secrecy? My dog is blind in one eye from getting attacked by another dog, and I tell random strangers what happened to her every chance I get.

At this point, the only relationship I'm invested in is the one between FBB (first black bachelorette) and Copper. I'd like to think that Copper's one of those crime sniffing police dogs, except that he can detect where a guy's peen has been. This is why we will probably never see Copper and Chris Harrison in the same room together. You just know Harrison's penis has stories. It's been places. It's seen things. It's spent so much time in paradise that it can probably play the ukulele.

Did anyone else think that Peter was a bit awkward with Copper? Like, I'm not totally convinced he's a dog person. OR, maybe he just doesn't want Copper to retrace his dick-steps. I'm gonna go with the latter, because if the former is true, he's ruined for me. Their date is relatively uneventful, but basically my dream come true. They go to a dog party in Palm Springs (So cute!) and Copper gets to unwind in a kiddie pool. Guys, I don't think Copper is here for the right reasons though. I think he's here to try and nab a role on the ABC sitcom, Downward Dog.

The dinner portion of the date has Rachel and Hot Peter bonding over two things: the gap in their front teeth and the fact that they both went to therapy after getting their heart broken. A couple observations: I LOVE watching two gorgeous people discuss how their dental imperfection gives them character. Um, yeah. My face gives me character. I'm also totally on board with the fact that they're both into therapy. I will be spending my next therapy session dissecting my utter horror over the fact that someone broke up with Peter. Who was his ex-girlfriend? Margot Robbie?

In a move that surprises no one with eyes, Peter gets a rose. Part of me wishes that Peter had a little bit more personality, and part of me doesn't give a fuck cause look at him.

Let's get to the really exciting part of the episode, shall we? The second group date. The guys meet Rachel at a high school gym to play basketball and get coached by... Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Told you: A list. DeMario is by far the best player and he and Rachel flirt the whole time. Even though I found him a bit too eager and "on" last week, I'm starting to like him. It's cute when he dunks on Rachel. There's chemistry between them and I'm into it. After the guys play a game in front of a packed house, they head into the locker room, while Rachel takes selfies with adoring fans. And that's when shit really goes down.

A young woman approaches Rachel and tells her that her boyfriend-- who never broke up with her-- is currently a contestant on the show. And that boyfriend is none other than DeMario.

NOOOOOOOO. Not one of the guys with signs of a personality. We need DeMario. According to this girl, who I swear to God is actually from the year 1992 and took a time machine to get here (see: her tight body suit and the scrunchie around her wrist. No way this girl has experienced the 21st century), DeMario ghosted her after dating for six months and then she saw him on After the Final Rose.

I start getting heart palpitations when Rachel decides to bring out DeMario and get his side of the story. Ugh. I hate a TV ambush! The guys are still hanging out in the locker room (weirdly, not discussing grabbing women by the pussy) and Rachel asks DeMario to follow her. Everyone assumes he's already getting the group date rose, and he probably does too. I can't stop cringing as he tries to make small talk only to be confronted by his former hole girlfriend. The worst part is when he actually pretends that he has no idea who this girl is. But the ex kept the receipts. She's got text messages that prove that they were boning until recently.
 DeMario does a shitty job of trying to defend himself and Rachel tells him to get the "fuck out." And he does. And his ex-girlfriend gets back in her time machine and returns to the year 1992 where she will probably get a perm and watch an episode of 90210.
 I know you guys might think I'm crazy, but I kind of felt bad for DeMario. He didn't really get an opportunity to explain himself and was shuttled back to his condo in Century City. I'm also not convinced that girl was actually a girlfriend VS someone he was just sleeping with. Am I a terrible person? All of that said, have you ever been totally turned off by a dude after you've seen who he dated before you? His ex was just a tad trashy compared to Rachel. That's reason enough to get rid of DeMario.

What I love most about this whole sequence is how PISSED Rachel gets. She refuses to talk to the producers and she even blows off Chris Harrison! You can see the stunned look on his face when she barely looks in his direction and walks into the ladies room. No one will make a fool out of FBB, and I'm glad she lost her shit. We all understood why she was mad, right? Because the producers arranged for this ex-girlfriend to show up.  Please don't tell me you thought any of this was random and that DeMario's ex caught wind of this basketball game and showed up to expose him. Um, no. This was a set up and Rachel wasn't having it.

The rest of the episode was totally uneventful and not really worth recapping. Just two things: #1 Rachel looks so pretty in her long black dress at the cocktail party. #2 I kind of get her attraction to Bryan. I still don't like the way he eats her face, but he's a chiropractor and gave her a massage.

The episode ends when DeMario shows up, because he wants to talk to Rachel. Chris Harrison plays mediator and I'm super psyched when Rachel agrees to speak to him. But then something super annoying happens-- the entire crew of dudes decides that they must defend Rachel's honor and start heading toward the action. Ugh. These guys are so thirsty for screen time and they're going to deprive me of closure from this situation. Also, it's just way too much testosterone and dick-wagging. If Rachel has proven anything to us, it's that she can handle her own shit.

This is when I realize that the FBB is really a mixed blessing. It's long overdue, but I want to live in a universe where someone like Rachel doesn't have to settle for men who smell like protein powder and drakkar noir. She's too good for this show.

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