Tuesday, June 27, 2017

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

When ABC gives us FOUR HOURS of the Bachelorette in one week, I give you a truncated recap. No one has time for this shit. This is the era of peak TV and I'm four episodes behind on Silicon Valley. I was literally peeling and cutting fruit in my living room, so I could puree baby food for my child... while staying up to speed on Rachel's dating life. As a mother, I think it's pretty clear that I have my priorities in order.

Last night's episode picks up with Pitbull Kenny and Lee Harvey Racist having words out on the patio. Kenny does his best to keep his anger in check, but I would have preferred that he body slammed Lee, sat on his chest, and read The Goldfinch aloud cover to cover before letting him go free.

Meanwhile, on a completely separate show called "Rachel loves Bryan," Rachel and Bryan sit on a boat, discuss fairytales, admit that they think the other is too good to be true, and make out. Um, can we go ahead and end the season right here? It's beyond obvious that Bry is the front-runner, and that Rachel's only mildly interested in the other guys. I don't dislike them together, but I also want a black censor bar to cover Bryan's tongue every time it goes into Rachel's mouth. His kisses are a tad rapey. Bry gets the group date rose, Kenny publicly congratulates him, and insults Lee Harvey Racist in the process. The reaction shots of all the other dudes are priceless when Kenny calls Lee a little pussy bitch or something of that variety.

In a date that should have been cut from the episode to give us twenty minutes of our lives back, Rachel and Jack Stone (lawyer) hang out in Hilton Head together and shuck oysters. On one hand, Jack seems perfectly nice. On the other hand, he seems like the walking definition of "mediocre white man" who doesn't seem to have a clue that Rachel isn't into him. I think it's fair to say that Jack Stone makes Rachel's skin crawl. For any fans of Real Housewives of New York, Jack totally has creepy Ramona eyes!
During the dinner portion of their date (at what looks like a plantation house, WTF), Jack tells Rachel that he wants to take her back to Dallas and lock her in a room. Jackie Earle Haley's character in that movie Little Children had more game than Jack, and that guy played a child molester who took his date to a playground and masturbated in the car next to her.

I fully support Rachel's decision to send Jack home in the middle of the date, and vote Jack "most likely to monopolize the Men Tell All special with all his opinions, even though he was sent home early."

Back at the hotel, we get to watch a conversation on everyone's favorite reality TV dating show topic: racism! It pained me that Will had to explain to Lee-zard (get it, like Lizard? Kenny made that up!) that using the word "aggressive" to describe a black man has racist connotations to it. I can't believe this even needs to be spelled out. Lee defended himself by claiming that Kenny played the "race card." Ugh. Please get this Klan apologist off my television. Can we please agree to retire the term "race card"? A sweetheart like Will should be spending his free time drinking a beer and hanging out with his buddies, and not having to explain racism to a racist. 

At the rose ceremony, Rachel gives Iggy and the tickle monster the boot. Iggy cries and says he learned more about himself in the last four weeks than he did in the last 30 years. I learned in the last ten seconds that Iggy is pathetic and sad. The tickle monster tickles Rachel on his way out, and everyone cheers. He was clearly a beloved figure on the show, and now I wish we'd seen more of him. I hope they don't have to shut down production on Bachelor In Paradise when he goes on a tickling rampage. I'm super happy to hear that we're ditching Hilton Head and going all the way to Norway.

In a move that surprises no one, Bryan gets the first international one on one date. Brachel rappels down some really high ski jump thingy, and help each other through their fear. Rachel doesn't understand how Bryan is still single at 37. Based on the way he kisses, imma gonna take a wild guess and say he's got a weird sexual kink. Something in the ballpark of strap-ons or furry animal costumes or lemon parties. Here's some footage I found of Bryan hanging out with friends right before he came on the show:
Bryan (far left, with the martini shaker)
In an entirely different conversation about race, Eric and Anthony discuss the fact that Rachel seems to be leaning toward the white guys in the house. I've noticed this too, and I'm a bit surprised b/c on Nick's season, I believe she said that she'd never brought a white guy home. Eric, Anthony, Will, Josiah, and Kenny are the remaining black men left (which is unheard of this late in the season-- Most seasons of this show feature 2-3 black men and they all get sent home in the first three episodes), and Anthony points out that they're all different from each other and shouldn't be lumped in the same category on the basis of their skin color. Eric agrees. This might be the most mature exchange between two people in the history of The Bachelorette, and I would really like Rachel to give both these guys a chance.

The group date in this episode involves the guys putting on super tight wrestling uniforms to play a popular European game called Handball (a combination of water polo, soccer, and boring). The highlight of this segment was the Norwegian coach who never cracked a smile, and seemed to finally get some clarity on how a country like America was able to elect someone like Donald Trump. Nothing really important happened during this date, except that Will was really good at handball and Peter/Rachel dry humped and made out in a hot tub. Full disclosure: If I were single, I would totally dry hump Peter in a hot tub, too. BUT I kind of felt bad that the other dudes were just sitting around on their own that whole time (someone even said that Peter and Rachel were gone for 3.5 hours. Taping this show must be utter hell.) Full disclosure: If I were single, I would totally dry hump Peter in a hot tub for 3.5 hours, too. 

The episode ends with a two-on-one date between Kenny and Lee-zard. They take a helicopter into the wilderness (b/c the best part of a two-on-one date is leaving someone stranded in the middle of nowhere). The date consists of a lot of back and forth between Rachel/Kenny, Lee/Kenny, Rachel/Lee, and then Rachel/Kenny again. Lee tells Rachel that Kenny has a dark side, that he got violent with him and pulled him out of a van, and that he maybe said he would take a shit in his cowboy boots? I'm not sure. ABC bleeped that part out, but it only makes me love Kenny more. Kenny denies all this, and the episode ends with Kenny laughing maniacally as he approaches Lee. I can't lie-- he kind of gave off Robert De Niro in Cape Fear vibes at the end.
 I feel like Kenny's just falling into Lee's trap. I don't blame him for losing his cool, but I wish he could have his own Key & Peele Obama anger translator--- just so Lee would come off looking like the racist fuckhead that he is. Let's be real, people: the only person who's ever sported the beard without a mustache look who wasn't a racist was Abraham Lincoln.

Tonight, the show promises a dramatic confrontation between Kenny and Lee and we even see blood dripping down Kenny's eye. I can't wait to find out the benign and drama-free incident that actually caused this injury. I'm gonna say that Kenny went on a group date where they were finger painting with orphan children, and some red paint got on his face. I won't be watching tonight or recapping, because the iZombie season finale is at 9pm on The CW. I encourage you guys to skip the Bachelorette and watch that instead. It's the best show on television, obvi.

not a racist beard.

1 comment:

  1. Hahahaha thank you! Made my day a little lighter getting to laugh like this.