Wednesday, July 12, 2017

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

I was traveling all this week, so here are just some stray observations on Monday night's episode...

#1 Who is Matt? No, really. Who is he? Why didn't he get more screen time? Rachel was SO emotional when she sent him home on the group date. She told him that of all the dudes in the house, he reminds her the most of herself. Whaaaa? I literally didn't even know what his name was until she broke up with him. I vaguely remember him showing up on the first episode dressed as a penguin, but that's about it. I predict he will appear on Bachelor in Paradise and will be the new Vinny. He'll meet a girl, fall in love, and then she will break up with him once someone hotter comes along. I'm a little annoyed that we didn't get better acquainted with Matt this season. If it wasn't for racist assholes taking up prime real estate, then perhaps we would have had an inkling of emotion once Male Rachel went home. I did like his pea coat and his decision to take his glass of champagne into the car with him on his way out.


#2 Adam REALLY doesn't like the word "difficult." Which is SO weird, cause like, I LOVE the word difficult. I really love it when things are super challenging and hard and impossible and sucky. And that's why Adam pretty much blew my mind when the word "difficult" appeared on the group date card and he announced to everyone that he doesn't like that word. Whoa. I bet he also doesn't like words like "apartheid" and "childhood obesity" and "genital mutilation."

#3 Peter tells Rachel that he's not sure he's going to be ready for a proposal at the end of this, and this worries her. To that I say, WHY? Personally, I think the dude who says he may not be ready to ask you to marry him after seven weeks of dating on a reality show where he's probably had 6 hours total with you (none of which without a camera crew), should automatically get the final rose. He's clearly #1 the most honest, cause none of those guys are actually ready to get engaged #2 the most rational #3 the hottest (that has nothing to do with the whole engagement thing. It's just an objective fact). For once, I'd love it if the bachelorette was like, "Thank GOD. We barely know each other. Let's just go steady and see what happens." There must be a bonus check that kicks in only if you get engaged at the end of the series. Or like, you're only allowed to go on Dancing with the Stars if you have a diamond ring on your finger.

#4 Bryan is so mediocre in every way.

#5 I CANNOT wait to meet Dean's dad. First off, I feel really bad for Dean. Second of all, his dad is dressed up like Mike Meyers in the love guru in next week's preview. Dean warns Rachel that his father is eccentric, but I never expected this. It's going to be the most epic hometown date ever and I cannot fucking wait. Sorry, Dean. I know this is hard-- but your terrible upbringing is going to make for some excellent television. Sadly, I'm pretty sure this is the only reason that Dean has lasted this long. Also-- are you allowed to just say-- "my dad won't sign the release and won't be appearing on television??" OR, do we think a producer convinced Dean that going through with a cringe-worthy hometown date will just increase his chances of being the next bachelor?
Dean's dad
#6 I almost had a panic attack that Eric might be sent home on the group date, and that Adam would somehow get the rose--- giving us no diversity. I personally love Eric and Rachel together, and I don't think it's that big of a deal that Eric has never brought a woman home to meet his family. Before my husband, the only other boyfriend my family had met was the guy I dated in high school. But even though I think Eric/Rachel have the most easy-going rapport with each other (and don't talk about fairytales like she does with Bryan), I'm not convinced that Eric is the chosen one. If I had to make a prediction, I think he's in line to be the first African-American bachelor. ABC got a shit-ton of PR with Rachel and they're gonna keep that gravy train moving. Bryan will fall to the wayside once Rachel's family sees through him, and Peter will be the last man standing.

#7 WHERE THE FUCK IS CHRIS HARRISON? I was lost without him for the entire episode.

#8 I miss Copper the dog.

#9 I wish that Rachel wouldn't sport fake eyelashes. She's just as pretty without them.

#10 Now that ABC has finally infused more diversity into the Bachelor franchise, I'm going to make another request to them. Can they infuse more atheists? I guess it makes sense that most of the contestants are religious. They can justify their decision to appear on the bachelor as God's plan or something they were destined to do. An atheist only has themselves to blame. But I'm kind of sick of how much religion seems to play into each season. I need separation of church and reality TV. I don't need a date of Dean and Rachel going to Catholic mass and discussing faith. If you're gonna ask yourself "what would Jesus do?" I'm gonna keep it one hundred and say that Jesus would NOT go on The Bachelor(ette).

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